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He was right, I didn’t want to think about the reality of this baby inside me. I would have to come to terms with it at some point, but it pissed me off that this was a factor in my life now. This pregnancy I had never agreed to or wanted. Maybe I didn’t even totally believe in the baby’s existence. It would be nice to see an ultrasound or something. I had no way of knowing how far along it was. Though I’d tried to keep track of days in my grimoire, it still worried me that time moved differently here.
Besides it wasn’t as if I had any sort of experience along these lines. Completely out of my depth with no medical resources to guide me. Who could blame me for being in denial?
Still.
“You’re right. That was mean and uncalled for. I take it back.” Kind of. “It just continues to eat at me that I’m only important to you as some kind of vessel for your progeny.”
“I think that sometimes you say these things to me so that I’ll reassure you that they are not true.”
I cringed, hating that he’d called me out on my insecurity. Also, it seemed I could never explain my very mixed feelings about this pregnancy.I’m not thrilled about giving birth in what amounts to a Third World country. How much he understood of that, I didn’t know. But what still remained a theoretical construct to me seemed to carry considerably more import for him. His next words confirmed it.
“I didn’t tell you this before, because of the way you fret that the child is more important to me than you are, but the babe you carry is my one and only opportunity.” His eyes burned like the heart of the flame on a Bunsen burner. “So, my tenderer feelings for you aside, I also have a stake in this battle of yours.”
Chapter 9
In Which I Fight an Epic Battle…Against Myself
‡
Sometimes I wonder if the commonality of references to forces like “Mother Earth” reflects a parallel between my world and Faerie, or if that’s simply my own frame of reference contaminating myobservations.
~Big Book of Fairyland, “GeneralObservations”
“So, if that’swhere you stand on the matter, why are we even here?” I gestured at the practice arena, feeling more than a little heartsick about it all. “I’ll just loll about and gestate.”
His jaw flexed, and it perversely pleased me that I’d annoyed him. “We are here because I already agreed that it’s your choice. I would likely want the same thing.”
“But I’m risking the embryo’s viability.” Took some getting used to the idea. “You’re right. I didn’t want to think about that.”
“And, not incidentally, your own life.”
Now that part had become quite familiar. “Let me ask you this.” I weighed my options. “Okay, if I give this up, let the cat keep the claws until at least the baby is born, what kind of guarantee does that give us? Will it be enough to satisfy her—particularly if I’m having to work magic, given what lies ahead of us?” One thing I did know—the more I worked magic, the more the cat stirred. I could probably graph it on a nice exponential log scale.
Rogue contemplated my questions. “You do have a rather ruthless method of breaking down options.”
“I take it that’s a no.”
“Beyond the fact that there are no guarantees?” He shook his head, bothered. “I must admit that you are right. The détente, as you called it, is unlikely to last long—particularly if you draw heavily on magic, as you’ll undoubtedly be required to do. This is a downside to you being a sorceress that I failed to consider.”
“Hey, even you can’t plan for every damn thing.”
“If you only knew. Shall we explore your other options then?”
“I can’t wait.”
He began pacing. “The principle to understand is that the cat is a separate entity from you. Though her roots twine in your soul, the seed that gave her life came from elsewhere.”
“Like some kind of elemental spirit.” I tried out the concept on him, to see if it would click or not.
“If you will.”
Okay, good. “So, when I work magic, I create a sort of fertile soil that allows her to grow and draw strength.” A closer parallel to the embryo than I liked.Don’t think about that now.“But why does Falcon have one? He works no magic.”
Falcon—call him General—had been in charge of my life for too long. I’d enjoyed pushing him into the involuntary reaction that made him a falcon in truth. Small joys.
“Yes, he does—you’re simply not aware of it.”
“Really? What is it?”
