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I smile, pulling her closer, holding her tight as I give her a peck on the lips. I met her six months ago at the grocery store where she works as a supervisor. She’s just so simple and easy to be with that I enjoy unwinding with her when we do get the time. She’s nothing like what I’m used to but that’s what makes her refreshing. I don’t have to worry about her safety, past the normal everyday concerns which is already a lot to deal with. And I find myself appreciating the ability to come home to a quiet house and a warm meal in the oven.
It took me a while to move on from Julissa but I had to realize that it was over and it was for the best. I couldn’t hold on to something that was never coming back forever. Something that hurt just as much as it felt good to remember but when it hurt, it hurt way too much. I needed to close that door so after taking my fiancé for granted for the first three months, I wised up and put a ring on it just last month and we’re basking in the whole newness of our engagement.
“Gotta pay the bills, baby.” I slap her on her round soft bottom and she laughs as she drops her arms from me, allowing me to go.
“I’ll miss holding you tonight, Lance,” she says, holding on to the knob of the door as I walk off, clutching my chest in a playful gesture. Sometimes my shift as a security guard lines up with her supermarket shifts but many days we don’t get to see each other as often, even though we live together. It makes for that whole “distance makes the heart grow fonder” thing. I suppose if we were constantly in each other’s way, we’d probably drive each other crazy. And boy, don’t I know a lot about crazy. The most Daisy and I do is bicker every now and then. After all the extremes of my previous relationship, this one is like therapy.
As I get into my car and turn the ignition, I hear her calling out. “Lance! Lance! Wait, you forgot your lunch.” She rushes toward me with tupperware in her hand. She doesn’t know anything about me and I like it this way. She thinks my name is Lance and I’ve gone through great lengths to ensure that all my documents are legitimate so that I can cement a life here without problems. I don’t want to keep living on the run. I like finding a place where I can settle and explore life the way I want to. And since I’m settling here, getting married just gives me even more of a reason to stop running.
“Thanks, honey.” I peck her and watch her go back inside before driving off and checking my reflection in the mirror. I’ve kept the longer hair although I have a much shorter beard, this time around. I tried changing my hair and beard color but I hated it so I decided that as long as I keep a beard, I can continue to hide behind it. Although it’s still long, my hair isn’t as long as I’d had it as a mechanic. As a security guard, I’ve got to keep it a lot more groomed, so it’s neck length, flirting with my collar a little bit. I’ve been living here for over a year and so far, so good. No one’s suspected anything so I think I’ve managed to blend in.
I pull up to the hotel parking lot where I work and as soon as I step out of the car, my phone rings. I think it’s Daisy calling to see if I’ve gotten here safely but when I look at the number, I recognize the Las Vegas area code. My heart races. Should I answer it? At the thought of it possibly being Julissa after so long, I can’t stop myself.
I take the chance and answer it. “Hello?”
I don’t recognize the voice on the other end of the line and the hairs on my body stand on end as this person I don’t recognize asks me my name. My chest begins to tighten and I feel my knees buckle with anxiety as the fear of the world I’ve managed to build crashing around me due to my past catching up to me consumes me. I think about Daisy and her safety and wondering if being with me would have put her in any danger. A million thoughts flash through my head, including imaginations of tragedy. And the latter isn’t alleviated when this unknown caller tells me that Julissa might need me. I don’t think I can breathe. The knowledge that Julissa might be in trouble freezes me and I can’t move my legs to continue into the hotel building.
“News report?” I whisper to myself as I go back into my car as soon as the call disconnects, locking the doors before searching for the Las Vegas news. I see Julissa’s picture and my heart stops beating. She looks amazing. Like muscle memory, my heart and body reacts as if I’m with her again, helping her take on the world. Love bursts in my heart as well as desire. The short haircut is sexy on her as far as I can tell from the blurry photo that looks like a video capture. My body and my heart shouldn’t be reacting this way. I shouldn’t have these thoughts about her. I’d decided to give my heart away to someone who appreciates it even though Julissa is the one that got away. I reprimand myself in my head as I click on the video to hear news that leaves my body shaking with the need to throw myself into the fire for her.
This fucking crazy woman! I bang on the steering wheel. What is she thinking? I’m back at square one, where I’d give my fucking life for her. There’s no escaping that she’s my ultimate soulmate. I curse myself for going behind Daisy’s back but I can’t stop the way my blood flows through my veins FOR Julissa. It’s like my heart pumps blood just for her, for a woman I never thought I could have again, who I may still never have again but I know she’s about to get herself killed so I don’t even think twice as I keep swearing in the car, pulling back out onto the road and heading to the airport to get some tickets for the first plane out of my quiet suburban neighborhood to the devil’s fangs of Las Vegas.
Chapter 36
Calder
It’sonlybeenafew days since I’ve been discharged from the mental hospital I checked myself into. After a year of being monitored around the clock, being fed meds and talking on end about the sexual abuse I suffered as child as well as disclosing as much as I could about trauma in my past relationship, without talking about the things we did together to cause that trauma, I’m more than happy to be taste the fresher unclinical air of freedom. However, it makes adjusting to living life as a normal person a bit shaky for me. I’m still a whole bunch of nerves and a part of me misses the routine for that reason, of knowing that I’m not responsible for myself in entirety and that I can give my brain a break from taking care of myself for a bit while someone else does it for me.
Being out has been both terrifying and exciting but it’s like learning to walk again and it’s almost as if my legs don’t work the way they used to anymore. I feel like a baby deer trying to find their footing. Everything is wobbly since I have no one here and I had to hide so much during the therapy sessions about who I am and what I’ve done since they don’t even know my real name that I haven’t gotten a chance to heal those unknown elements. I’m thankful for the savings that I’ve had all along in addition to the money we got from the casino though because that hospital stay was NOT cheap and the cost of meds is no joke.
Without all the extra money, I wouldn’t have been able to afford to rent this new place that the hospital helped me to find since people have a hard time renting to someone who has just come out of an asylum with no job. I’m still struggling to adjust to the new apartment with how bare and echoey it is. I’m not sure what to fill the space with since I’m not even sure I know who I am anymore. Sure, I’ve healed a lot of stuff but I’ve also been continuing to live a lie for my safety.
I don’t do much all day, although I do try to leave the house, as jarring as meeting new people has been and I am contemplating getting a job just to fill the time and space so that my mind isn’t left to wander and go back into old patterns of thinking, ruminating on what’s lost and I can’t get back, temptations on falling back into things that aren’t good for me. And although I don’t do much all day, I find it hard to settle down by the end of it. I’m a bag of nerves and I can’t sleep. I was told that this was something I should expect, though, so I'm hoping that I’ll start to feel like a person again with time.
Since I can’t sleep, even with the meds, in order to help me reach a state of relaxation, I meditate at the end of every day. It’s something I was taught to use when I was in the hospital to silence my thoughts and remind my anxiety that I’m safe where I am in the present whenever my mind forces my body to react to thoughts of the future or memories of the past. And that’s what I need right now as my body feels electrically charged. I feel as if I were to touch something that needs electricity to operate, I could zap it on without connecting it to an outlet.
I’m super sensitive to all waves of energy and so I cross my legs, inhaling deep into my lungs and letting the air go through my mouth. I’m playing meditation music on my phone next to me and as soon as I start to reach a tranquil place, the music stops and all I can hear is the vibration. Lucky for me, I’m in such a state of calm, I don’t rush to pick up the phone, although I can feel my body starting to become irritated. I breathe through it, swaying a little with relief as I answer the phone in a tone filled with light and relaxed energy.
“Hello.” I breathe.
“Um…hey…Is this Calder?” the person on the other end of the line asks. Their tone is one of confusion and at the sound of my real name, I freeze.
Who is this? And how do they know my name? Are they coming to kill me? My mind fills with voices of terror and I try to practice deep breathing as I was taught to do through these moments. “This is Ben,” I respond.
“Oh! Okay, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else…” the person rambles.
“Hold on,” I say. “I may know a Calder. What do you want with him?” I ask.
“Oh, do you?! Thank goodness, man. Listen, ask Calder if he knows someone named Julissa. I hope this is the right number because she could really use some help. Tell him to check the Las Vegas news too.” The person on the other end of the line speaks in a rush and his tone is filled with panic, triggering my own anxiety especially when he mentions Julissa. Before I can ask him any more questions, the line goes dead.
My paranoia tries to convince me that it’s a trap as I try to resist checking any news about Las Vegas, needing to not fuck up my progress but the noise in my head won’t shut up unless I can prove to myself that it’s not a trap, that they’re not going to show up at my door, busting into my apartment, carrying me off to jail or worst.
My chest tightens and I do what I shouldn’t. I search for the news he referred to and I see Julissa in a thumbnail. Like a defibrillator has just been placed on top of my chest, the vibration of earlier collides with the shock of energy racing through my body now and in some weird way, it evens it out so that I feel alive again. And it’s a weird feeling, since feeling alive again in this way terrifies me because I know the world I was forced to escape is terrible for my mental health. Yet as I click on the video, terror for Julissa’s life overrides my need to protect myself. I keep getting flashing images of her dying and I can’t sit still.
I jump to my feet with the need to stop her. Although I know I shouldn’t put myself in such a vulnerable situation, I can’t let the woman I still love very much pretty much commit fucking suicide. I’ve got to go stop her. But I promise myself that I won’t get involved in the shenanigans. I won’t grab any guns, I won’t fucking try to fight anyone, I won’t stand in a line of fire. I won’t retraumatize myself. All I’ll do is go down there to talk to her. I might not even stay long. I’ll just go and give her advice although Julissa is way too stubborn to listen to anyone else. My therapist would say that people are responsible for themselves. We can’t save others. We can only do our best to save ourselves. And others can do the same for themselves.
But I also learned that when we’re incapable of helping ourselves, that’s when we need someone with our best interests to come in and help us save ourselves. And that’s the reason why I’m booking a flight to Las Vegas.
Chapter 37
