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Chapter Forty-Three
Melissa
After making a mad dash to follow Tommy to an out-of-the-way bathroom in the outdoor mall complex, I’m spinning. Not just from his quick and confusing change of mood, but from how fast he moved to get away from me.
I track him down to the bathroom and come to stand in front of his stall door. Of course, he’s locked it and tells me to leave him alone. I ask him what’s the matter, and while he gives me some kind of answer, it’s not all that coherent — something about clothes that he loved and were destroyed, and worth around those. After that, he devolves into a heavy breathing mess. Some of which is laced with words, but I can barely make them out.
The ones I do make out, and the ones that spur me to more action, are about him being a waste of time. My time and money, specifically. And not knowing what I see in him, and that I should just leave him alone or leave him behind.
You silly boy! I think, setting my shopping bags down on the nearby bathroom counter, and deciding he’s going to come face-to-face with me after a statement like that. That’s exactly why I wanted to do all this with you! That’s exactly why I knew you needed to get a wardrobe update, and why you needed to know how well you are loved and looked after! Because I know you believe you’re not worthy of me, just like I believed that I wasn’t worthy of someone better than Dennis! Thinking this, I follow through on my previously decided course of action: to climb under his bathroom stall door so that he can’t keep ignoring me and pushing me away.
I’m not so temperamental or superficial that I’m willing to let him separate himself from me with a grubby bathroom floor or a locked stall door. That’s not going to keep me at bay. So, I get down on the floor and began to wiggle myself underneath the opening under the stall. I do so quickly and easily, knowing that he’s going to use any opening given to him to get away and try to keep up his own internal dialogue of self-debasement, no matter what I try to tell him. Unless I make it absolutely clear, I’m not going to let him talk or think about himself that way anymore.
“You’ve shown me what kind of filth and garbage I was putting up with, so it’s my turn to show you unequivocally how valuable and important you are, Tommy!” I say as I finish fitting myself under the bathroom stall door and stand up to face him.
The Tommy I see is sitting haphazardly on the toilet, looking out of breath and lost. He looks like he’s had some part of his soul drained. But at the same time, he also looks like he’s responsible for the draining. That he would rather be drained to the point of death, then sit and be confronted by me.
The moment he sees me, he looks even more pained and more tortured, as if I’ve never given him comfort, only suffering. He puts his hands in front of his face and lets out a pathetic and cute wail. At that moment, he sounds like a puppy who’s afraid of being reprimanded and who needs love and reassurance at the same time.
“You shouldn’t have spent any money on me,” he says mournfully. “I’m not worth any of it. Not one cent!” He sucks in a breath, but that’s only the preamble to yet more whines. “You weren’t supposed to fund this whole date! I was!” As he says this, he actually meets my eyes. He jabs a thumb at himself. “I’m your boss! Your boyfriend! I should be the one treating you to things today! I should be the one funding my own wardrobe update! Not you!” He grimaces, takes a deep breath, but only breaks down into more sadness and self-pity. “I was going to do that for you. Until…” Here, he can’t continue.
I can’t help it. He looks so fragile and adorably distraught, I just move up to hug him. I want him to continue telling me what’s wrong. I’ve been waiting all day for him to tell me something other than, “It’s nothing.” So, I bend down next to him, hold his hand, and encourage him.
“What happened, honey? What’s got you in such a rough spot all day? It’s not just me spending my money, is it?”
For a moment, I fear that’s exactly what it is. I fear that I’ve accidentally emasculated him while trying to treat him to the best day of his life.
But he shakes his head and cuddles into me for the first time since he ended up in the bathroom. “My dad,” he squeaks.
