AllFreeNovel
Share Us
It seems like forever, but finally, we step out of the shop with Melissa carrying all of the bags. Despite the fresh air and open space, all I can hear is ringing in my ears. All I can see and feel around me is a thick numbness. In it, I begin to see flashes of things I remember from my childhood, but don’t quite understand — cruel faces, and clothes I really loved.
As these images move in, and through me, I begin to feel my lungs squeezing. My heartbeat is thumping out of control in my veins to the point where I think I can feel it in my feet, and my wrists.
Something wet moves across my face, and before I’m able to really think about what I’m doing, I’ve moved away from Melissa at a run. As I’m running, all I can think of is how unworthy I am. How small and worthless my life and my body is. How it doesn’t deserve any kindness or special treatment or any fancy clothes.
I hear the laughing of children in my head that I remember, and yet don’t. This reaches a fevered pitch as I duck through the metal door, I find myself in front of. It’s only when I stumble inside that I realize it’s a bathroom. Somehow or another, I’ve managed to flee to a bathroom, out of all the places I could’ve ended up.
As I stumble into a stall and lock the door, the voices in my head from memory grow louder, clearer. Tommy doesn’t deserve to look that good. He’s too fat and too tall for anything he likes. I flop down on the toilet, hearing and feeling myself hyperventilating, though it feels like someone else. Again, I’m so out of it, I’m not even sure how I’ve managed to end up on any solid ground other than the floor. But I have, and I use that stability to let emotions I don’t understand rage through me.
Physical pain in my stomach and heart actually overwhelms me here, and I start babbling about things, I didn’t even know I was still hurt over: about how I was treated at school as a kid; about how I always wanted to be, but never had the courage to be myself; that I hated the “fat camp” I was sent to; and that I hate my dad for everything he’s ever made me hate about myself. After all that, I end up yelling about how I’m not worthy of anyone. I’m not worthy enough of love, or the generosity Melissa’s showering on me after I’ve done absolutely nothing, and never will be able to. I’m too weak and too frail, despite my two hundred and eighty pounds of weight.
And then I hear the bathroom door opening. I don’t even need to wait for her to speak to know who it is, but I can barely hear her over my rapid breathing.
“Tommy?”
I just keep panting, sagging back into the toilet, wondering if I’m going to breathe right ever again. Right now, it doesn’t feel like that’s going to happen. Even sitting still, I feel like everything’s swimming and floating around me.
“Tommy, honey? What’s the matter?”
I can only answer her with incoherent mumblings about worth and clothes, I tried to care about and feel good in, that were destroyed.
I feel Melissa come closer. I can see part of her heels underneath the stall door, and at that moment, I just want her to get away and stay away. I’m terrified for her to be close. I’m terrified for her to comfort me. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I’m being dragged down into a tattered, black hell. One where all the beautiful colors my life could be smudged, greyed out, and infected.
“Don’t come near me,” I say. “I’m not worth all the money you spent on me. I’m not worth any of this attention, any of this love. I’m not worth anything, Melissa.” My voice is shaking, but not nearly as bad as the rest of my body. I’m feeling close to passing out with each word. “I’m not worth five dollars, let alone close to five grand.” I hear and see Melissa’s shoes move closer to the door. I hear the stall door rattle like she’s going to try to come in anyway. “Leave me alone. Leave me behind! I’m just a waste of your time and your money, and I have no idea what you see in me!”
At this point, I stop seeing Melissa’s boots by the door, and instead, I see her head of black, chin-length hair. She’s gone from standing by the door to deciding she’s going to crawl underneath it. That’s how much she’s decided she’s not going to let me push her away.
