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She knew she was rambling, but she couldn’t stop the angry rant that spilled from her. It was too unfair, hurt too bad. And Jason was the unfortunate person it was all going to spill over onto. He stood wordlessly watching her as she paced the room, venting all her fear and anger.
Mercy took a shuddering breath and kept going. “And I know he didn’t want to get married, but I told him he didn’t have to, and he said he wanted to go through with it and if he didn’t mean it then he should’ve said so. He should’ve walked away then, but he didn’t and now when we need him the most…when I need him the most…” She swallowed hard and forced the rest of it out. “Now he’s just going to leave? Well fine. He can leave. I don’t want him to stay anyway.”
“It’s okay to admit you’re hurting,” Jason said quietly.
Her gaze shot to his and the kind, knowing look in his eyes nearly broke her tenuous hold on her emotions. “Hurting?” Her voice broke on the word, and she cleared her throat, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill.
“Disappointed, disillusioned and…yes, okay heartbroken. Soul sick. For a brief moment, I had the type of life I had never let myself dream of having. Not that I dreamed of being married,” she said, waving her hand to dismiss that notion. “In fact, I think I always preferred to never marry. But…” She sighed, some of the fight going out of her. “Having someone there, someone who had my back, no matter what. Someone I could tell everything to. Someone who felt like…home.”
She looked back at Jason, his face blurring through her tears. “For just a brief, crushing moment, I thought maybe I’d found that.”
Jason reached for her. “Mercy—”
She spun out of his grasp, her anger burning through her with renewed fire. “He had no right to come here and change everything and then just leave. He thinks he can simply turn his back on everything? On me? Well fine. Who needs him? I did fine before he came into my life, and I’ll do just fine now that he’s gone.”
And if there was a Gray-size hole in her heart… Well, she would just have to deal with it.
“It’s okay if you’re not fine, you know?” Jason said. “Hell, I’m not fine, and I don’t even love the man.”
Her eyes shot back to his again. She desperately wanted to deny that she loved him but couldn’t make her mouth form the words. So she ignored that statement, focused on the rest.
“I’ll deal with it. I’m good at dealing with things. I’ve always had to be the one to deal with things.”
Should have known better than to hope she may have found the companion she’d always longed for. “I should have known better. Well”—she shook her head—“I won’t let it happen again.”
“He’s hurting, too, you know,” Jason said.
“What?”
“Gray. He’s hurting, too. I’ve never seen him like this before—and believe me I’ve been following him for a long time. I’ve never seen that man show any emotion except annoyance. But this… What he’s going through since the moment he walked out your door… He’s in hell.”
Mercy crossed her arms over her chest and stuck her chin in the air, ignoring the pain throbbing in her injured arm and swallowing past the hard lump that rose in her throat. “Good. I hope he regrets it for every day of his life.”
“He will,” Jason said. “He already does.”
Mercy blew out a frustrated breath and dropped into a chair. “If he feels that badly, then why is he leaving?”
“Because he’s a stubborn, cranky, hermit of a man who thinks he’s doing the right thing. He doesn’t think he has any other choice.”
“He’s got less brains than a goat,” Mercy said.
Jason laughed. “I agree. I tried to tell him that and so did Doc and Preacher. And when he wouldn’t listen and insisted on being noble and sacrificing his happiness for the good of the town and the woman he loves—”
Mercy’s head jerked up and she stared at Jason in shock. He just smiled at her. “When that didn’t work, we marched him across the street to the tavern and got him drunk. Well, hopefully.”
Her mouth dropped open even farther at that. “Did you say you got him drunk?”
Jason laughed. “I said hopefully. That was the plan anyway, and he seemed ready and willing. And frankly, I don’t think it’ll take long, either. As far as I know, he’s only had a drink maybe a handful of times in his life. I doubt he can hold much liquor.”
“I…I can’t believe he would do something like that. He might be lazy, but he’s also very keen on keeping sober so his senses and reflexes are sharp when he needs them.”
Jason sighed and leaned against the back of the armchair. “He doesn’t want to leave you, Mercy. You said you always wanted someone who felt like home. Well, I think it’s the same for him. And I think for the first time he finally feels like he’s found it. Like he has a place where he belongs. People…one in particular,” he said, nodding at her, “who he belongs to.”
“Yet, he’s still leaving.”
Jason shrugged. “Maybe he figures it’s better to leave than risk losing everything he loves.”
Her eyes widened. “You think he loves me?”
