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“No. I didn’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it now.” Gray closed his eyes and sucked in several deep breaths, trying to shove all his emotions back in the dark hole where they belonged. But it was no use. His defenses had been cracked and everything came spilling out.
“All I ever wanted when I came to this place was a nice quiet place where I could hole up and wait to die. Did it ever occur to you to ask why I wanted that so desperately?”
Jason shook his head.
“Of course not.” He took a deep breath. “I’m tired, Sunshine. So tired. Do you know how many friends I’ve watched die? How many men I considered brothers drop dead at my feet because someone was aiming for me and they got in the way? How many women I could have loved running away after the first gunman showed up trying to best me? How many times I’ve watched someone I care about leave, most times in a pine box?”
Again, Jason shook his head.
“All of them,” Gray said quietly, something breaking deep inside of him. “Everyone I’ve ever cared about. My parents…I barely remember them. And was never with anyone else long enough to get too attached. And then later…” Gray shrugged. “It came with the life. A life I never wanted. I stumbled into a gunfight one day and that was it. I signed my death sentence right then and there. I was a walking dead man. Even alive, I was no better than dead.”
Gray swallowed hard, his eyes staring at the ground though he didn’t really see it. “I should have let that man kill me that day. My life was over anyway.”
He closed his eyes and tried to shake it off. Tried to get back to that place where nothing and no one mattered. But that place didn’t exist anymore.
“I should have been dead a dozen times over by now, but I’ve somehow managed to stay alive. And despite doing my damn-level best to find a nice corner of the world to hole up and die alone in, I’ve never been able to manage that, either.” He tugged his hat lower over his eyes. “And then I find a place called Desolation. A hole in the wall in the middle of nowhere. The perfect tomb. All I had to do was sit there, let my scary name get rid of a problem, and I could die in peace.”
Jason gave him a ghost of a smile, and Gray sucked in another deep breath. “But then there was Mercy. And Doc. And Mrs. DuVere. And Preacher. And Frank. And Martha,” he said, his voice shaking. He swallowed hard and looked back up at Jason. “And even you, you persistent pain in the ass.”
Jason choked out a laugh, and Gray gave him a faint smile before sobering once again. “You all made mefeelagain, damn it.” He shook his head. “No, I don’t want to leave. But I amnotgoing to stay here and let anyone else I care about die because of me.”
Jason nodded, his arms still crossed though now it looked more like he was hugging himself. “I get it,” he said quietly.
Gray cocked an eyebrow. “Do you?”
“Yeah.” A hint of his trademark smile finally peeked back out. “That doesn’t mean I like it or agree with it. But I get it.”
“That mean you’ll shut up about it?”
Jason’s grin grew wider, and Gray’s chest tightened again. He was going to miss that irritating smile.
“For the moment.”
Gray nodded. “I’ll take it.”
“Everything okay here?”
Gray and Jason both turned toward the voice. Doc stood framed in the doorway. Who knew how much he’d heard.
“The sheriff just stopped by to say goodbye,” Jason said.
Doc glanced at Gray, his face unreadable, and Gray braced himself for another berating. Instead, Doc just nodded. “Let’s get a drink.”
That wasn’t what he expected. “I don’t drink. And I should get going.”
“I know, but waiting a few more minutes won’t hurt any. Besides, Birdie is snoring. The whole town knows if she’s sleeping, you aren’t going anywhere.”
Gray rubbed a hand over his face. That damn horse.
Doc chuckled. “Come on. You’ll have to wait Birdie out anyway.”
Gray opened his mouth to argue more but… For once in his life, he could really use a drink. A real one.
“All right. Let’s go.”
Mrs. DuVere herself was behind the bar when they entered the tavern.
“Sheriff,” she said, with a distinct chill to her voice. “I thought you were headed out of town.”
