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10
MONTY
Babies were strange creatures.
Hunter slept the entire car ride to the restaurant while his mother held him in her arms, sleeping through even a few road bumps and sudden stops. After giving me explicit instructions on how to feed him and what to do if he became fussy again, Kayla went into the restaurant to start her shift, and that was when Hunter decided to wake up out of the blue. He blinked at me for a few seconds first and then gave me that disarming smile of his that was like a shot straight to my chest. I smiled back, running a finger lightly down his cheek. And then, without warning, his face crumpled up, and he began bawling his eyes out.
“Oh, damn,” I said, quickly starting to rock him in my arms the way Kayla instructed. I glanced through the floor-to-ceiling windows of the restaurant, hoping Kayla hadn’t heard it and wouldn’t come running. Luckily, she hadn’t, as she was currently too interested in whatever her manager was telling her.
She shouldn’t be here,I thought.She shouldn’t be doing this.
Throughout the past couple of days, I had tried to drop hints that Kayla didn’t need to work anymore and that when I said I’d provide support, I was referring to both her and the baby. But either she hadn’t picked up on the hints, or she had simply ignored them. It was probably her misplaced sense of independence that kept her from taking me up on my offer, and while it was admirable, it was also frustrating as hell, especially since I could tell this wasn’t what she wanted to be doing with her life.
I had broached the subject again on the ride here, asking, “What about writing?”
“What about it?” She feigned nonchalance, but her voice was tight.
“The first time we met, you told me you wanted to be some kind of famous writer or something.”
One thread of conversation we’d had in that bar was about her love of literature and how she had always wanted to be an author since she was young. She had spoken about it for a full fifteen minutes, her face glowing with so much purpose that I had been envious. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be that young and hopeful, to have dreams that didn’t morph into nightmares. Now all I had were a series of duties I had to complete. Like tracking down shadows that ranged from cheating ex-husbands to criminal enforcers.
I didn’t have much passion for my job, to be honest. I did it well, and I was good at it, but the drive that should be there simply wasn’t. Still, I continued to work because, without it, I wouldn’t have a reason to exist or wake up in the morning, and, well, the endless monotony of nothingness in front of me terrified me.
Who was I without the soldier?
Who was I but the man I had learned to be for the past twenty years?
Hunter coughed, distracting me from my musings, and I glanced down at him. Sometime during the rocking, he had quieted down and was now staring up at me, blinking, his eyes wide with innocence and curiosity. I imagined he was thinking, “Who on earth is this strange man my mother left me with, and why are we sitting in a car?”
“This is just as confusing to me as it is to you, buddy,” I said, brushing my hands over the wisps of hair on his scalp. The side of his mouth kicked up another smile when I did, and my heart jerked. Damn it. The little tyke already had a hold on me. The only other person who had ever gotten that kind of reaction out of me this quickly was…well, his mother.
I never imagined being a father. Maybe when I was in the Marines, I dreamt, like everyone else, that I would come out and have a family, but that dream went bust the minute I got out and faced the reality that I was not the same boy who had joined.
I was a man who was far too damaged and lost to function fully in the real world.
Hunter was still staring up at me, and I tweaked his little nose.
“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep or something?” I asked him. Kayla had stressed the absolute importance of nap time to me before I left.
As if in response, Hunter’s face twisted in another show of pain, and he made sounds of distress. His curled-up tiny little fist came up to rub his mouth again, and just like that, I got it.
I used one finger to open his mouth slightly and saw his angry red gums.
“Yeah, that can’t be fun,” I said, wishing I’d had the forethought to bring an ice cooler or something that could help with his gums. I looked around and spotted an ice cream shop next door.
“They should have some shaved ice or something in there, shouldn’t they?” I mused aloud. I could only suspect that Hunter’s huff was a yes. I glanced through the window and saw Kayla hustling around and balancing several trays of food in her hands. Better not to disturb her by letting her know I was going next door. I would be back soon enough anyway.
I hiked Hunter up in my arms and got out of the car, tightening his little jacket against the breeze in the air. Then we braced ourselves against the autumn air and walked toward the ice cream shop.
The door jingled its welcome when we walked in, and the woman behind the counter looked up. I noticed interest immediately sprang into her eyes. She was a pretty enough girl, but I didn’t even feel a stirring of interest.
That’s wasted on me, darling, I thought.I have nothing in here for you.
Ever since I stopped drinking, my interest in sex had dropped drastically. I still got horny every now and again but rarely felt the desire to see it through. In fact, since that night with Kayla, no woman had ever sparked my interest like that again, and I doubted anyone could.
Still, I turned on the charm as I walked toward her, smiling as I inquired, “Afternoon, darling. You wouldn’t happen to have a cup of ice, would you?”
“Um…” it seemed to take a second for her brain to start moving again. “Well, we have an ice-making machine.”
