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Icontemplated his request, outweighing the pros and cons. Most days Thomas appeared to be truly content. His rare smiles appeared more often, much more than what used to be never, and we were able to have civil discussions and laugh through our disagreements. Thomas had mastered his temper.
Or so Ithought.
The mini tantrum of today showed the thin control he had over his temperament and it scared me. These volcanic eruptions, these destructive lava spills—Ilived through them long enough to know Ididn’twant them anymore.
“Thomas”—Itilted my head up, the knot in my throat tightening as Ibegged him to save our relationship—“at least tell me you’re willing to consider bringing it up in the future. Someday.”
His eyes turned into fossils, frozen in time, not seeing me.
For both him and myself, for us, really, Ihad to say one more thing if it might drive him to change his mind. “Being on the receiving end of these anger fits is my open wound. Even if you’re not upset withme, there’sonly so much Ican take. Ithink we were meant to meet, to heal together.”
“I’mnot achild or abroken toy that needs fixing.” He lowered his tone, sending shivers down my spine as he drew the words out slowly.
He stepped away from me, lifting his hands in the air and putting aworld of distance between us.
One thought circled around in my head over and over and over again.
Ifailed to save us.
My heart broke, its pieces shredding my insides. My chest burned with it and Igripped it to ease the pain. With nothing else to do, Itrudged slowly out of his house.
The white glowing snow Ihad marveled at just aday before seemed bland and dull. It fell on my hair, my arms, my chest. The little flakes, dots on my face, dropped along the tear streaks on my cheeks. Ididn’tbother to brush them away. Not now, and not when Igot home and hid under the covers, crying myself to sleep.
“Ugh.” Igroaned the next morning as Iopened my eyes. All this light felt like too much.
My head pounded from last night, and the rays of sun were mocking me, reminding me how nice the day must have been while my life crumpled.
And then another light flashed in the room, coming from my nightstand.
My phone. My heart pounded, saying,It could be Thomas.
Ipushed off the blanket, reaching for the flashing device with the silly hope for amessage from him saying he had achange of heart. Asharp pang coursed through the dull ache when none of the messages were from Thomas, but Laura. The four texts started with abenignErin?toYou up?thenI’mstarting to worry,and ending withCall me back!!!
Idid, not before looking at thematryoshkathat stood right next to the phone, passing my finger on her vibrant red dress, and missing Thomas.
“Erin, finally,” she answered on the first ring. “Where were you?”
“Took aquick vacay to Ibiza, didn’thave asignal on the plane.” My throat was still sore, and my voice came out groggy. “What’sup?”
“Stop being smart.” She paused and hesitated. “Iwanted to check on you after last night, and don’ttell me you slept in. I’ve known you for years and you haven’twoken up at noon once.”
“Noon?” Idrew the phone away, my eyes widening, all remnants of sleep gone. “Wow. Um, yeah, Idid then Iguess. Alone.” Ireturned to the comfort of my bed and pulled the covers over my head. There was no such thing as too much blanket love.
“I’mso sorry.” Silence. When she got tired of waiting for me to elaborate on my own, she said, “Want to talk about it?”
“Idon’tknow.” Idebated how much to tell her, then decided on everything. Ineeded advice, and Itrusted Laura to be that voice of reason. “The bottle thing, I’mguessing you figured it was intentional.”
“Yup.”
“I…Ifeel like it was my fault, when Igoaded Zach, and then Thomas did the only thing he could think of at the moment, and…” Ichoked as the blame consumed me.
“Let’sget one thing straight…” Laura’swarm voice turned stern. “You are not, Irepeat, not, to blame for anyone else’sactions. Okay?”
“But…”
“No buts,” she sighed. “Listen, Iunderstand it hit anerve for him and it wasn’tthe worst reaction, but it’shis issue; you can’tblame yourself. So I’ll ask again. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” Laura helped me hold it together, to assuage some of the guilt.
