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She shook her head. “No. I need to stay with mom. I told her I’d be around today.”
“Let me know if there’s something I can do for her. I know I don’t have much, but I feel indebted.”
“You’ve done plenty. And she gets so much joy from visiting with Hannah.”
I hugged Morgan, “Thank you again.”
We took the subway back near our place and I took her over to Central Park to play. Hannah was running and jumping and exploring without a care in the world. Her smile was huge, much like the one her father had when he was happy. What struck me was how easily joy infused Hannah. Was I ever that filled with bliss?
Over the last five years, I’d worked to grow up, get my education, build a career, and more than anything, be a great mom to my daughter. Until my father’s illness, that plan was working. Mostly. Working in my dad’s company hadn’t been my dream in life, but it was a career. We lived in Europe, where Hannah was learning multiple languages. My mother wasn’t the warmest person, but Hannah enjoyed spending time with her.
Back in the United States, caring for Hannah and my father took all my time. I trusted Ben to deal with the business, which turned out to be a mistake. He said that dad had made a few bad decisions, but told me not to worry about it. But as time went on, Ben struggled, turning more and more to the bottle as the stress consumed him. He didn’t ask me to help, although I’m not sure I’d have had the time between my father and Hannah. Nor did I know if I had the answers. My dad had been the mogul. If he’d made bad decisions, who was I to know how to fix them?
I should have felt like life was getting better. With some of our assets sold, the financial situation, while still bad, wasn’t as bad as it had been. So why did I feel like my life was about to come crumbling down?
I knew Ben was grappling with declaring bankruptcy. At this point, it was probably the best answer. We couldn’t pull this company back from the drink, nor pay all the creditors. Bankruptcy was the only chance we’d have to get out from under the burden of all the debt. We’d have little to no money, but we wouldn’t owe millions either.
This was why moving was the best option for me and Hannah. We could start over. I might be broke, but I had marketable skills. Hannah would be in school, so I’d be able to get a job and work during school hours. Or maybe I’d freelance or consult, giving me even more flexibility. I could possibly even work from home.
Moving away would also get us away from all the history I had in New York, including Ash. I’d feel bad for leaving Ben, but I was losing hope that he’d ever get better. My love for him was beginning to turn to resentment, which wouldn’t be good for either of us.
“Mommy!” Hannah ran up to me holding a little flower. “Look what I found.”
“It’s so pretty.”
“It’s for you.” Hannah thrust it toward me. Then she gave me a hug. These spontaneous expressions of her affection made my day.
I’m going to make it alright for you, baby, I vowed. Ash would too. A voice inside my head pointed out. It was right. Ash could solve all our problems. He’d probably be a great father too. For a moment, I let myself imagine what a life with him could be like. Us as a family. Going to the park. Having meals together. Maybe having more children.
Maybe in a different world that could have happened. But now I was broke. Ben was sick and hated Ash. And in the end, I was too afraid to take the risk that he might take her away from me. All Ash could be to me was a dream that never came true. We had that one perfect summer, but that was it.
“I want to see Balto,” Hannah said, referring to the statue of the hero canine that helped bring medicine to Nome, Alaska. He was so famous and beloved; a statue had been erected in his honor here in Central Park.
“Okay, baby.” I took her hand and we started walking to where the statue stood. We needed to enjoy as much of New York as we could, because, in a few months, we’d be moving across the country.
21
Ash – Sunday
I have always felt a little outside my family. I tended to be an introvert growing up, preferring books and computers to being around others. My father’s efforts to turn us into competitors instead of a team widened the gap between my brothers and me. Not that we didn’t have some level of care and even loyalty to each other, but until my father enacted his crazy new plan, the four of us brothers were islands unto ourselves.
