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Of all the guilt I had, one of the biggest regrets I had was having to let Morgan’s mother go as our housekeeper. She was such a lovely woman, and I should have had the money to allow her a comfortable retirement, especially since she seemed to be having some health issues.
“So… what happened with Ash?” Morgan’s eyes glinted with interest.
I glanced at Hannah. “We talked. I got mad. He said all the right things. We ended up on the couch.” I wiggled my brows to let her know we weren’t dressed at the time. “Then Ben walked in and … well, he wasn’t happy.”
“He’s sick,” Hannah told Morgan. “Sometimes he’s weird when he’s sick.”
My stomach sank. Guilt piled on guilt. Hannah shouldn’t be seeing that.
“So how do you feel about it all?” Morgan asked.
“I don’t know. There are moments when I feel like all my prayers could be answered. But most of the time I feel like I’m moving from one crisis to another. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together.”
“You’ll pull through,” Morgan put an arm around me.
There was more guilt from my feeling sorry for myself. Morgan had it harder than me. “There’s interest in the house which will allow Hannah-Banana and me to start over.”
“I wish you weren’t planning to leave,” Morgan said. I had to admit, it would be hard to leave her. She had been my rock through all our hardships. And one of the only people who stuck by Ben and me now that we were broke.
“Where are we going, Mommy?” Hannah asked with a mouthful of bacon.
“Chew your food, baby. Right now, nowhere, but remember we talked about moving to a new place.”
Hannah shrugged. “I like it here.”
“I know.” I’d hoped we’d be able to move before school started to make it easier for her.
“Can I go play?”
I wiped off her face and sticky fingers. “Yes, but quietly. Morgan’s mom is still resting.”
I helped Hannah down from her chair at the table. She took her paper and crayons into the living room.
“I know you’re eager to start over, but what if Ash says he wants a relationship with you? I mean he’s giving all the signs. Saying the right things,” Morgan repeated the words I’d recounted.
“You know why that can’t happen.” I nodded toward Hannah in the other room.
Morgan sighed and looked away. She thought like Ben did, that it was wrong to keep the truth from Ash. When she looked back, I knew she wasn’t done with the topic. “Have you considered that maybe it could turn out okay? I mean he’s showing the signs he likes you. And you said yourself that he walked away and then didn’t respond to your letter, so he’d have to realize why he didn’t know about Hannah until now.”
She had a point that I should have told him when he first came back into my life. “What if he wants nothing to do with being a father? I don’t want Hannah rejected that way.”
She pursed her lips at me. “Now you’re just hunting for excuses not to tell him. You can tell him without her knowing, so if he decides he doesn’t want the responsibility, she won’t know she was rejected. But from what you’ve said, it seems unlikely he’d reject either of you.”
“I don’t know, Morgan,” I said look at my sweet girl coloring in the other room. “If it didn’t work out, he could get custody. I could lose her.”
“That’s hogwash and you know it. You’re a good mom. No judge in the country would take away your rights to her. Sure, you’d have to share, but Beth, he is the father. He has rights too.”
More guilt. I was going to be crushed by guilt.
“There’s something else to consider,” she added.
“God, I’m not sure I can handle more.”
“Hannah.”
“What about her?” I asked.
“Someday she’s going to want to know about her father.”
I remembered she’d already asked. As she went to school and met more kids with dads in their lives, she’d probably ask more.
“The older she gets, the more she’ll understand about these things. She might even hunt him down. What sort of relationship will you have with her when she discovers you’ve been lying to her?”
“I’m not lying.” I defended myself, albeit weakly.
Morgan gave me the look that said I was lying to myself. And I was. Hannah would likely be angry if she learned I kept her from her father. But I still felt like the risk was too much to take. His finding out could risk me losing the one good thing in my life. I’d protect that at all costs, right or wrong.
Hannah stood up from where she was drawing and came into the kitchen. “I’m done, Mommy. Can we go to the park?”
“Absolutely,” I said glad for the opportunity to move to a new topic. “Want to join us?” I asked Morgan.
