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“Why is it your fault if Wallace was the one who ignored you?”
“I should have tried harder.” I could have maybe caused a mutiny of some sort as many of the other men in the platoon agreed with me, or at the very least, respected my opinion.
“Were you in charge? Was it your decision?”
I shook my head. “But I had more experience. I should have knocked Wallace out like I wanted to.”
“And be arrested?”
“They’d all be alive now if I did.” I opened my eyes, wanting to leave Iraq.
She stared at me, giving me a moment to reorient to the present.
“I know what you’re going to say, Doc.”
“I know you do, so why don’t you say it,” she said, those hazel eyes looking sad yet determined.
“It was Wallace’s decision. I shouldn’t feel guilty.”
She nodded. “Yet you do. Do you really think if you punched him, they’d all have abandoned the mission? Do you think they’d be alive now?”
“We won’t ever know.”
“Do you think the families blame you?”
“They should.”
She shook her head. “You’re a strong man, and I’m sure a fierce warrior, but you’re not God.”
My jaw tightened.
“In fact, it’s a little self-centered of you to think you have so much control over the doings of other people. You’re not responsible for Wallace.” She took a beat and then said, “You’re not responsible for Sara either.”
“What the fuck!” I bolted up from the couch as emotion rocketed through me.
“Do any of your dreams involve her?”
How the fuck did she know?
“You said ‘at first’ when describing your dreams, which suggests there are some other dreams. I know what happened with Sara. And I know you often watch over her.”
I ground my teeth, not wanting Grace to know what a fuck-up I was.
“Are you in love with her?” she asked.
I whirled around shocked by her statement. “What? With my brother’s wife?”
She nodded. I tried to figure out if she was being for real or just jealous. Maybe she was right in that we couldn’t have both a professional and personal relationship if she was going to use the professional bit against me.
“No.”
“Then why follow her? Why all the one-night stands instead of a committed relationship?”
I stared at her, working as hard as I could against the urge to walk out. “Because I failed her too. Because a hard orgasm and warm body help keep the dreams away.” There. I said it. Was she happy now?
“A warm body could be had in a relationship. Why not have one of those?”
Was she serious? “You know me, Doc. Who the fuck wants to put up with me? You don’t.”
There was a flash of green in her hazel eyes that made me wonder if she was thinking she was up to the task.
“Are the nightmares all that you want to get rid of? What about anger and bitterness? What about being happy?”
All of a sudden, I was exhausted. I got a bottle of water from the minifridge and sat back on the couch. “This isn’t ever going to go away, is it? If I could just have a reprieve while I slept, I’d be happy.”
“You’ll likely always have some issues related to PTSD, but you can learn to avoid or at least anticipate triggers, develop better coping mechanisms, and achieve greater peace and happiness than you have now.”
“Sign me up.” I took a sip of water.
“Tell me about Sara.”
I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but I figured that wouldn’t help. “As I said, I failed her.”
“So guilt again?”
I nodded. “But justified. I knew that fuckhead, Glen, wasn’t right. He’d tried to snatch her once before. But I didn’t have anyone watching her as much as I should have. Fuck, even when Chase called to tell me she’d gone missing, I figured she’d either realized how fucked up our family was or simply took the money and ran.”
I looked at Grace for signs that she was repulsed by me.
“Did you hand her over to Glen?”
“I might as well have,” I snapped.
“Do you think Chase and Sara blame you?”
I looked away. In some ways, that was worse. Chase should kick the shit out of me, yet he never did. He never yelled or said a word.
“I know for a fact they don’t. And they shouldn’t. Just like Wallace, what happened isn’t your fault.”
I glared at her. “Security is my job.”
“Not for family.”
“She was an intern,” I snapped.
“When she was kidnapped?”
“Not then, but before, when Glen first tried to take her. I should have done more then.”
Grace tilted her head. “So, you did something, just not enough?”
“I did background checks on Glen and her predator professor.”
“Did you give Chase the information?”
“Of course.” I wasn’t a complete idiot.
“So why isn’t it Chase’s fault? It was his wife.” She paused. “His baby.”
I closed my eyes, knowing in my head what she was saying but unable to let go of the guilt. “It was my job.”
