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When he walked in, he looked so handsome and even a bit relaxed. The tension in his body and face were there as always, but not as pronounced.
“Hey Doc,” he said. He studied me like he was trying to assess my mood, as I’d done with him.
“Hi.” I was sitting and didn’t get up.
He sat on the couch, resting his hands on his thighs. “How was your weekend?” There was some humor in his eyes, but I could also see some concern. Like he was worried about what I thought and felt about what happened. I supposed he had some reason to be.
“It was lovely,” I said.
He smiled, and it was one I rarely saw, if ever; wide and real. I hated that I was probably going to ruin it.
“The thing is, Hunter, it can’t happen again.”
As predicted, his smile faltered.
“And, I need to refer you to another therapist.”
The dark shadow descended over his face. “So that’s it? You get your cherry popped, and you’re done?”
I expected him to lash out. It was his MO. “I’ve told you from the beginning, having a relationship with a client is wrong. I could lose my license.” I’d worked too hard and invested too much to lose it, even if I was grappling with my career choice.
“So, you’re going to cut your losses?”
“I can’t see you professionally.”
He looked away for a moment in what I’d come to recognize as his way of gathering his thoughts and settling himself. When he turned back, he said, “No.”
I sighed. I wasn’t giving him a choice. “Hunter, we haven’t been at this very long and, to be honest, I don’t think I’ve helped you very much.”
“You’re wrong.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. “I came in here ready to work. So, let’s work. Let’s start by talking about the other night.”
“The other night is why I have to refer you to someone else.”
“Why me?” he asked.
“Why you what?” I’d told him why I had to refer him.
“Why did you let me fuck you and take your virginity. You’re in your mid-twenties. How is it you were still a virgin? You were waiting for someone special, right? But then you gave it to me. Why?”
I had a sense of déjà vu from the other night, except at that moment, I was questioning why he thought I was so pretty.
“The same reason why I probably should have stopped working with you before I started. I find you attractive.” We’d had sex, so there was no reason not to be honest. Plus, at the very least, I could model how to deal with challenging situations and disappointments.
He scoffed. “My packaging is alright, but the inside is rotten. Kade or Ash would be better choices.”
That pissed me off. “Shut up, Hunter.”
His eyes widened.
“I don’t know if you like people to think you’re broken and ruined inside or you really think that, but it’s wrong. You have legitimate reasons to be angry and suspicious, but you’re also kind and generous.”
“And yet, I’m not good enough for you.” He leaned back on the couch.
See, this was why seeing him had been wrong. By trying to do what was right, now, I was making him feel unworthy. Therapists were supposed to build people up, not make them feel worse about themselves.
“It’s not about that. I’m your therapist. There are ethics that I violated.” I stood as my emotions began to get the best of me. Another reason I needed to let him go. “I failed you.”
“What?” His brows furrowed in confusion. “You haven’t failed me.” He rose and came to stand near me by the window. “I haven’t used women or sex to manage my…feelings since I met you. Because of you.”
I gave him a pointed look. “You had sex the other night.” Probably because it had been so long. See, I wasn’t special. I was available.
“I’ve slept better since meeting you,” he said.
“So you do have nightmares. See. You’ve never talked about that with me.”
He looked down for a moment. “I don’t talk about that to anyone.”
“But I’m your therapist. I’m the one person it’s safe to talk about that with.”
His jaw tightened, and I wondered why he found it so hard to share himself with me. I looked at him, wishing things could be different. I realized I wasn’t sure what he was asking me or what he wanted.
“What do you want?” I asked him.
“I don’t want a new therapist, that’s for damn sure.” He sighed. “I’ve been resisting this therapy thing. It’s not your fault. But I’m ready to work, Doc.”
“That’s wonderful, Hunter, but it can’t be with me.”
“Why not?” His voice had an edge indicating he was getting agitated.
“I told you why. I compromised our professional relationship. I can’t be objective.”
He walked away, running his hands through his hair. Then he whirled around. “Did you even enjoy it the other night?”
