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This bassinet rocked when she pushed it. They watched it in silence until it came to a stop. Karl took Vivian’s hand and gave it a squeeze.
“My mom lost everything because of her pregnancy. No one actually said those words to me, but my aunt Kitty used to remind my dad of that when they fought, and I often overheard.” This time, she was the one to give his hand a squeeze. He squeezed back, to support them both. “My mom’s parents hated my dad, and they eventually disowned her. She dropped out of college. She died in childbirth. When I got older, I wondered if my aunt Kitty tried so hard to get custody of me because she felt guilty for her family abandoning my mom. I don’t know and I’m afraid to ask.”
Karl stepped closer to her so that he could wrap his arm around her, a full understanding of her childhood finally beginning to form in his mind.
“Even though I was an accident who forced him into marriage and then killed the woman he loved, my father never let me believe I wasn’t loved.” She tucked her head against him and he pressed a kiss against her hair. “I’m not pretending he was a great father. He’s a liar and a cheat who could never figure out how to make sure there was food in the house for his kid. But he always had time to listen to my stories from school. He would take me to the library and the park. And when he told me I could be anything I wanted to be, I believed him. My dad’s greed is just the negative side to his vision for a better future. He always believed in me.”
Vivian shifted a bit, as if to pull away from him, but Karl kept his arm tight around her. He wanted her against him as he processed what she said. Their respective fathers had each fought for their belief in their children, only they each seemed to be fighting for a different team. His dad also believed in his children and in a better future. Only Pawel had taught him to believe in justice and fairness. That there is a right answer, even if it is the hard answer, and that usually right and easy are on opposite sides.
Karl opened his mouth to say the words Vivian wanted to hear. Not just “I love you,” but also that he didn’t judge her past decisions. That he understood them and, more importantly, he didn’t care anymore. That he wanted her more than his sense of self-righteousness.
But his memory of his father grounding him for an illegal hit during a hockey game was as fresh in his mind as if it had happened yesterday. The ref hadn’t seen the hit, but his father had. Not only had Karl been grounded for a month, he’d had to call the opposing player and offer an apology. “Just because the ref didn’t see you, doesn’t mean you can get away with cheating,” his father had said before Karl had taken a deep breath, dialed the number and prepared to ask forgiveness, all the while knowing any absolution would have to wait until the next time he went to confession.
So the words never came out. He put down the shopping basket he was carrying and turned so that he faced Vivian, putting his cold hands against her warm face. The fire of her lips melted his as soon as he touched his mouth to hers. Her lips were soft and, when she opened her mouth to welcome him, moist. He could feel the puffs of her exhaled breath on his cheek.
If only he could say the words, then he could have a kiss like this every night of his life. And every morning. And before he left for work and when he came home from work. And just because his wife was amazing. Her tongue slipped into his mouth before he could pull back and say anything. If he was going to pull back and say anything. His track record so far wasn’t very good.
Vivian slid her hands down his back and grabbed the waistband of his pants. Karl stopped thinking and just let himself feel.
Vivian was the one who finally broke the kiss. Her lips were shining from a mixture of their kiss and her lipstick, and her eyes were bright.
“I’m sorry,” Karl said. Not for the kiss—he could never be sorry for the kiss—but for his inability to say the words she wanted to hear.
Vivian closed her eyes for several seconds. When she opened them, their brightness had been replaced by pity. She nodded, patted his cheek with her hand and walked off. Karl was left standing in the middle of a field of baby furniture alone.
