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‘It made the dying easier,’ he confessed with a grimace. ‘Which seems strange, but I suppose I had suspected the worst for so long it was a relief to know what I was dealing with. But then the powerlessness over King’s Acre, that was terrifying.’
Julia’s fingers closed tighter. ‘You are in control of all of it now.’
All of it except my wife, Will thought wryly. He honestly had no idea what Julia would do next or how she would react to what he said or did. Most of the time that was refreshing, but there was still some secret, deep down, he was certain of it and it nagged at the foundation of trust that he thought they were building together. At least he understood her reluctance to leave the estate now if crowds brought on attacks of panic.
She began to stroke the inside of his wrist and Will lost the thread of his thoughts as desire began to build, hot and heavy. He tugged his shirt over his head and let Julia pull him back on to the bed. ‘Nothing is going to get you in here,’ he protested.
‘I am not afraid,’ Julia murmured, running her nails lightly down his torso. ‘I am…’ She blushed.
‘Lustful?’ Will suggested as he rolled over on his back and began to unfasten his breeches. It was not the easiest thing to do flat on his back, with an erection and with a wanton wife crawling over him.
‘Will! Amorous sounds better.’
‘Both of them sound good to me,’ he growled as he kicked his legs free and sent the breeches flying. Julia gave a soft huff of laughter as he rolled over on top of her, but as she lay looking up at him the laughter ebbed away, leaving her serious. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her what was wrong when she pulled his head down and lifted herself to kiss him.
It was the first time she had ever taken the initiative in their lovemaking. Before she had been responsive and willing to follow wherever he led, but he sensed that this exploration with soft lips and delicate strokes of her tongue was different.
Her hands drifted down his rib-cage, down his flanks, stroking in fluttering caresses that made him want to purr like a big cat and then to plunge into her to assuage the ache that gripped him. He was almost impossibly hard, aroused, simply by a sweet kiss and gentle hands. This was some enchantment she was weaving, it had to be.
Without freeing his mouth she wriggled, almost tipping him over the edge beyond control, then wrapped her legs around his hips so he was cradled against the hot, wet centre of her. Will tried counting backwards, then doing it in Arabic. He was going to lose his grip any moment and behave like an animal and it was obvious from Julia’s gentle, languid movements that was not what she wanted.
It was also obvious she had no idea whatsoever that she was driving him to the brink, he thought in despair as she fastened her teeth on his earlobe with a delicate nip.
Then she wriggled again, and tilted her pelvis and he realised through the fog of desire that she knew exactly what she was doing. They were positioned perfectly for her to arch up and take him into her in a smooth, seductive glide that had him gasping for mercy until, somehow, he wrenched some self-control back.
And then he found that he could slow down, be as gentle as she was, make this exquisite pleasure last and last until there was nothing in the world except for their ragged breathing and the scent of arousal and the sound of their bodies moving against each other.
‘Will.’ She shuddered under him, around him, the force of her orgasm caressing him until he was falling with her. He knew he called her name, knew he found her mouth and stifled both their cries with his kisses, and then the world was still again.
‘Will.’ Seconds later, hours later? He had no idea. All he knew was that was the most perfect physical experience he had ever had in his life and that, somehow, it went beyond the physical into emotion. He opened his eyes and raised his head from the softness of Julia’s breast and saw her eyes were wide and dark as her mouth trembled into a smile. ‘I love you.’
It took a long moment before her words sank in. ‘Julia—’ He did not know what to say, what to feel.
‘It is all right,’ she murmured, lifting one hand to brush his hair back from his face. ‘You don’t have to say it too. I know you don’t love me, but I had to tell you. How could I keep that a secret from you?’
He was squashing her, Will thought distractedly. But if he rolled off her she would think he was avoiding meeting her eyes. Those painfully clear, honest eyes. Will took more weight on his elbows and sought for the truth. ‘I don’t know about love,’ he said at last. ‘I was not in love with Caroline, I know that. Just dazzled and charmed and rather a lot in lust.’
That made her laugh, a soft gurgle of amusement. ‘I know you were not. That is why I was not more angry with you after the dinner party. And I want you to be honest. I would hate to think you were telling me you love me and lying to be kind.’ She hesitated. ‘That would not be…kind.’
‘I know.’ How did he feel? ‘I desire you more every time I lie with you, every time I kiss you. I like you. I miss you when we are not together. I admire your intelligence and your strength of will and I like that you need me to protect you sometimes despite it. I do not know what that adds up to, sweetheart.’
‘Enough for any woman,’ Julia said. ‘I can live with that and be happy, believe me.’
‘I believe you,’ Will said, knowing in his heart that it was not enough but that he could not give her what he did not possess or understand. He pulled her with him as he rolled over, then gathered her against his chest. ‘Go to sleep now, Julia.’
So that was what the secret was that she had been keeping from him, he thought as he began to drift off to sleep. She had needed the shock of that day’s events to give her the courage to tell him how she felt. Perhaps he did love her. If only he knew what it felt like so he could recognise it. But whatever this was, he decided as Julia’s breathing became slow and her body relaxed against his in complete trust, it was the start of happiness. A more complete happiness than he had dared hope he would ever find.
Chapter Eighteen
Will looked content, Julia decided, watching him over the breakfast table the next morning. She felt wonderful, strong enough to keep the key turned in the lock of that dark little cupboard buried deep inside her, the one where the memory of Jonathan’s death lurked along with the new acceptance that she loved a man who, however fond he was, did not love her.
We are content, that is enough.
‘Excuse me, my lord, only there’s a message from the desk downstairs: there are visitors asking for you.’ Nancy closed the door on the uniformed page who waited on the landing.
‘What name?’ Will folded his paper with a sigh and slapped it down beside his plate. ‘This is very early to be calling. I suppose it might be about an investment I was particularly concerned about. Hapgood must have thought I was impatient for news of it after our discussion yesterday. I will come down.’
‘No, don’t do that.’ Julia laid her napkin aside. ‘We have finished our breakfast. If it is Mr Hapgood and he wishes to talk business you can give him a cup of coffee and I will go into the bedroom. I have lots of things to sort out.’
