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‘That’s very nice, Ellie.’ She cleared her throat. ‘I’m...’
What? Living next door? Coming to rescue Jack and his family? For a moment she couldn’t think of any other reason for her to be in the picture than the one that Ellie so obviously intended.
‘Okay...’ When Jack pulled the picture out from in front of her, she almost cried out with loss. His other arm curled around Ellie and he took her on to his lap for a hug. ‘I think it’s nearly bedtime, don’t you, Ellie?’
‘No.’ Ellie’s voice was indignant.
‘I think it is...’
Suddenly Cass couldn’t take it. The nightly debate, which Jack always managed to win one way or another. The kiss, before Ellie ran to her father to go up to bed. She squeezed past Jack, almost knocking the tent down in her haste to get out.
‘Cass...?’
‘I’m going to stack the dishwasher.’ She didn’t wait for Jack’s reply but ran downstairs, turning on the kitchen tap to splash cool water on her face. She’d done the one thing that she’d promised herself she’d never do again. She’d fallen for Jack, and dared to dream about a happy ending. One that could never come true.
* * *
Jack tried to get Ellie into bed as fast as he could, but hurrying always seemed to have the same effect. The more he tried to rush, the slower Ellie went. He read Ellie’s favourite story, hoping she wouldn’t mind that he’d missed a few bits out, listening for any sign of movement downstairs. When he finally kissed Ellie goodnight, the house had been silent for a while.
She was sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of tea. Cass didn’t need to look at him for Jack to know she’d been crying.
‘I’m so sorry. She didn’t mean it...’ The words tumbled out. It was all his fault. If he hadn’t talked about his own father, then Ellie would probably never have drawn the picture. Jack had broken his own rule, dared to include Cass in his and Ellie’s tiny family unit. And he’d hurt her.
She shrugged. ‘I know.’
‘She draws whatever happens to be going on in her head at the time. It doesn’t mean anything.’ He was protesting far too much. Trying to deny the truth. It hadn’t just been going on in Ellie’s head; it had be
en going on in his. And, from the look in her eyes, it had been going on in Cass’s too.
She shook her head. ‘It’s what she wants.’
Jack almost choked. ‘Ellie has what she needs; this isn’t about her.’ On that level it wasn’t. On another, deeper level, the thought of hurting her the way he’d been hurt, deliberately putting her at risk of losing a parent again, still terrified him.
‘No? Then make it about you and me then. How would you feel, knowing that there was no possibility of having any more children?’ The intensity in her quiet words made it very clear that they would have been shouted if there wasn’t a sleeping child in the house.
‘Honestly...?’
She looked up at him suddenly. Such pain in her eyes. ‘That would be good. Honesty always is.’
‘Honestly, I think it’s you that needs to face that, not me.’
‘My problem, you mean?’ she flared angrily.
‘No, I didn’t mean that at all. I meant that you’re the one who thinks it’s a problem in our relationship, not me.’
‘We weren’t going to have this conversation, Jack. You said you’d keep me safe.’
The words stung because they were true. And wanting to change didn’t mean that it was easy.
‘It’s been a hell of a day. Perhaps we should sleep on it.’
She nodded, her face impassive. ‘Yes. I need to be up early tomorrow. I’m seeing the electrician at my house in the morning.’
Jack nodded. ‘Are you coming to bed, then?’
He’d never had to ask before. Always known that Cass would go to her own room, to get ready for bed, and then come to his. The moments of waiting, which had seemed like hours in his impatience to hold her, were almost the best part of his day. Second only to when he actually did hold her.
‘I don’t want to disturb you in the morning. And I could do with some sleep tonight.’
