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“I don’t know, Mom.”
“Oh, honey, don’t wait for good things to come to you. Go out there and get them. Grab the man by the horns, yeah?”
“That’s the bull, Mom.”
“Both are males,” Mom says, unruffled.
Sounds like good advice, until I remember Mom has stopped thinking of men as members of the human race since Dad left her. Us. I’m not sure if she’s taking revenge on all of male mankind through sex, or on herself, and me—not the brightest bulb on the porch, and her only daughter and friend.
Still, the doubts have been successfully planted.
What if she’s right? What if Shane is shy, if the subtle signs he’s giving me mean he wants me? After all, like I told Mom, he’s quite closed off and cold with everyone, including his half-brother Seth, so…
But what if I’m making a mistake—another one? A second mistake of this sort in the space of half a year would be a first, even for me, and what’s more...
I’m not sure this time I’d be forgiven.
***
After a sucky, mopey and lonely Sunday, which I spend alternatively reading a crime novel and dozing on the sofa with images of Shane’s silky long hair and dark eyes teasing my memory, doubts nagging at me and boredom torturing me, I decide I need to get out.
Enough is enough. Staying in isn’t helping me make up my mind one way or another—talk to Shane, ask if he likes me, like really likes me, and risk losing him as a friend, or leave things as they are.
Besides, plenty of men in the sea, right? Or fish. Whatever. Shane might be a hottie, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I should sleep with him.
And since when has sleeping with Shane become so important to me? A blind man—a blind girl—would see he’s sexy off the bat, and I surely didn’t fail to notice, but after he failed to notice me time after time, I guess I gave up.
Which begs the question why now I’m back to thinking about him that way. As if there is a chance he might come on to me, push me against the wall and press that beautiful mouth to mine, mold that strong body to my curves, shove his hands in my hair and—
And what the hell’s wrong with me these days? Why can’t I just be friends with Shane? What changed?
Too many questions, no answers, and my head frigging hurts. That’s it. No more weird thoughts about Shane. No more feelings. I need to withdraw, put my defenses back up. Be the happy-go-lucky girl I used to be. Live for the moment. Stop making plans in my head with a boy who doesn’t love me back.
So where should I go?
My first thought is Halo, but then I change my mind. Not ready to face the firing squad just yet.
Okay, I exaggerate, but I don’t know how my apology to Jesse and Amber went down, and I’d rather have a drama-free evening.
So by the time I’ve applied my makeup and pulled up my hair in a ponytail, dragged on shiny leggings and my high-heeled boots, my long black sweater and long coat, I know where I’m heading.
No squad and no Shane to confuse me. Since Asher’s wedding, I’ve been trying to be someone I’m not, and maybe that’s why I’m also so unsure about what to do with Shane and my attraction to him. The thing is, Jesse Lee might have found the love of his life, and it changed him, but me?
I’m still Cassie, and I need men to notice me. I want to have sex and a good time. No complications. No strings attached.
I don’t know how to handle men without this. Without the sex. Not if I’m attracted to them. So I’m going to do what I’ve always done, even if deep inside my mind a tiny voice is wailing that this is exactly what my mom keeps doing to cover up her sadness.
Go grab me a man and have some fun.
***
Don’t know how many shots I’ve had, but the lights overhead swirl and make me want to laugh. A guy is dancing with me, flashing his straight white teeth at me, and I can’t help thinking he looks like a horse.
It makes me giggle. God, I’m wasted. The guy’s eyes are glued to my cleavage as he grabs my hips and twists his hips, and we dance together.
He’s hard. I can feel his boner against my stomach as he writhes against me, and I laugh harder.
Hilarious.
