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I swear, if she tries to change his name, I might explode. One minute I’m talking to the nurse and the next, my hand is inside the incubator, my son’s hand clutched around my finger. My heart has died a happy death just now.
“FC?”
The sound of Lila’s voice causes me to whirl around.
“What are you doing out of bed?”
“I heard you were here.” She slowly shuffles over to us. “Does this mean we’re okay?” she asks as she stares at Sawyer. There’s no emotion on her face. None. She looks as impassive as ever. She doesn’t ask to touch him either.
“This means I wanted to see my son.” I turn away from her, angling so my back is toward her, but I keep my hand with Sawyer’s.
“We have a child together, FC,” she whines.
“Doesn’t mean I have to be with you,” I fire back. “You shouldn’t have come in here. There’s a restraining order and you should avoid me as much as possible.”
The fire in her eyes is there in a flash. Here’s the Lila I’ve become so close to. “What the fuck was that even about, FC? How could you do that to me?” Her voice rises enough that a nurse looks our way.
“Why don’t you return to your room? We’re not arguing in a room of babies, especially ours. If you continue to argue with me, it’ll just show me how much you don’t give a shit about him.”
The glare she gives could kill me. If we were at home, she’d hit me. Thankfully, a nurse comes over and convinces her she shouldn’t be out of bed yet and she really should go back to her room.
Every second I can, I spend with Sawyer. Every second I don’t have to spend with Lila, I don’t. She does allow me to name him still. By that time, my parents have arrived. Poor Sawyer has to have a feeding tube to help him eat, but we are able to hold him.
Everyone does.
Except Lila.
She has zero interest. Every time she denies an offer, I pointedly look over at her parents. As if to say, See? She doesn’t care about him. She’s too busy being pissed I’ve left her than to care about him.
Sawyer does have to stay in the hospital for a bit, but I stay at Lila’s apartment while she’s at her parents’. I get in touch with a lawyer to get the custody case started. Not once does Lila visit Sawyer in the hospital. How do I know? Because if I’m not there, my mom is and Lila never shows up. She breaks her no contact order multiple times, too.
She calls me, wanting to get back together.
She apologizes for what happened.
She promises nothing like that will ever happen again.
She never speaks of Sawyer.
When I mention him? She changes the subject or ignores what I said.
But it’s okay. I’m in love with my son. He’s growing and doing well as a premature baby. He’s keeping me busy, though, so it’s been two months since I’ve talked to Idaline. My son has done so much growing in that time, however. He’s spent all of that two months with me. Lila has only seen him when I take him over to Karen’s for visits, and that’s if she happens to be there to break the no contact order.
My mom has been with me almost the entire time. We’ve been in an apartment, with a month-to-month lease, just waiting until I can move to Raleigh. Sawyer could be in daycare, though I don’t like the idea of that, but there’s a waitlist at the majority of the daycares around here.
Today is a good day. I can feel it. On my lunch break, instead of calling my mom to check on Sawyer like I usually do, I call Idaline.
“It’s been two months, FC,” she snaps when she answers. I wince at the anger in her voice. It’s rare I hear that from Idaline.
“I’m sorry. There’s been a lot going on. Have you been doing well?” I ask. She’s quiet for so long that I worry she’s hung up on me. “Idaline?”
“You sound happy,” she says softly.
I laugh. “I am.” It’s been so good to be away from Lila as much as I can be. And having Sawyer around? Life is ten times better than it ever could be.
“You don’t know how good it is to hear your voice and it sound so happy again. I’m glad things are better, FC.”
“Me too. Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore?”
