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Maybe Jerry is right. Maybe I do need to spend some time talking to someone. Even if it’s the last thing that I want to do.
But right now, I’m happy. Even if I know that it can’t last. Because there’s still too much between us that needs to be said.
“Can I ask you a question?” Tia asks softly, and I know that we’re about to start with it right now.
I smile at her and take a sip of the beer. “I bet I can guess what you’re going to ask, but of course, go ahead.”
“Why did you do it?”
And there it is. The question that’s probably haunted her for a decade. Why did I leave her behind without saying goodbye when we had already made so many plans with each other? How could I be so callous and cruel?
I swallow, and take another sip of the beer to steady myself. “First there’s something I need to tell you about back then. I don’t think it will make it better, just provide some context.”
“Okay.” She turns toward me, sitting with legs crossed, and I can’t not look at her. The fading light is brushing across her face, and with her hair still damp, she’s beautiful. She’s always been beautiful, but in this moment, I have to catch my breath before I start to speak.
“My father was an asshole.”
Tia shakes her head. “I knew that. Everybody knew that.”
“Yeah, everyone did. Everyone knew he was a drunk and an all-around mean guy. But I did my best to hide the fact that he hit me. I’m not sure why I didn’t want anybody to know. Maybe because when one person knows something here, then everybody knows something. But I hid it. Especially from you.”
Her face goes still with shock. “He hit you?”
I nod. “I’m not sure if it was a side-effect of his drinking or the fact that his father hit him too, but he did. That’s why I worked long hours in the summer time and we never spent time at my house. There was no way I was going to risk you seeing that, or worse, him trying to hurt you.”
She’s silent for a second. “I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago,” I say, waving a hand. “But that day that I left, I told him that I was going to join the army. He’s the whole reason that I decided I had to. He was never going to give me any money for college, and I knew that I couldn’t stay in that house after I graduated. Because staying in that situation voluntarily wasn’t a thing I could do.”
“I get that,” Tia says, “I really do. But you could have told me. You didn’t think that I was worth a goodbye?”
“It wasn’t that. I told him that day that I was going to join the army, and he lost his shit. He beat me more than he ever had before. I was lucky to get away without broken bones. The idea that I would turn my back on him was an unthinkable for him. I had two black eyes and half my body was bruised by the next day. He left to go drinking, and I thought that if he was even more drunk when he got back, that I might not survive it. So I left.”
Tia’s eyes are full of tears. “But you could have come to me. You could have told me you were leaving. I would have understood. I would have done something. My family too. You know that.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t want that to be the last image that you had of me, beaten and broken. But even that’s not why.”
“For the love of God, just tell me. I’ve been waiting for years to hear the reason.”
“I was going to the army. Eventually into combat. There wasn’t a question that I’d see it, not with everything that was happening. And there was a chance that I wasn’t going to come back. You would have had to grieve me, and I didn’t want to put you through that. I thought it would be better if we both just moved on. You could live your life without worrying where I was or whether I was alive or dead.”
It feels good to get it off my chest. To make her understand why we had to separate. It was just going to be easier. But the look of relief that I’m expecting is not what I get. Instead, I see anger.
“Are you serious?” she asks.
“Yeah, I am.”
Unfolding her legs, she stands up like she can’t stand to be still anymore, and she paces back and forth on the small portion of the roof that’s flat. “You left me without saying goodbye because you didn’t want me to grieve if you died?” The anger in her voice is palpable, but I’m not getting it. Why is she angry?
