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Tess sat there, holding the crying baby, crying herself, for what seemed like hours. Please, God, she prayed over and over again, don't let me be a failure as a mother. Please ...
45
Finally someone knocked at the door.
"C-Come in." She tried to yell the words but couldn't. They slipped past her lips as a tired sigh.
"Mama?" Savannah opened the door and poked her head around.
Tess bit her bottom lip to stop its trembling, and swiped the wetness from her cheeks. She tried to smile, and failed miserably.
Savannah came in the room carrying a metal bucket full of steaming water. Thick cotton towels were draped across her forearm like a maitre d' at a posh restaurant.
She set the bucket on the floor and sat down on the bed. Scooting close, she eased one of the towels off her arm and dropped it in the water. As she pulled the soaking rag out and efficiently twisted off the excess water, she frowned at her mother. "Daddy said you had a ... swelling problem."
Tess would have burst out laughing if she hadn't been in so much pain. "You could say that."
"Hot rags might help. We done that for Bessie last?"
"Bessie?"
"You know ... the cow."
Tess forced a weak smile.
"Anyhow, I done this on Bessie when her teats gummed up last spring. It worked good. Here, I'll just set these hot towels on your ... chest. There, like that."
The hot rags brought immediate relief. Steam wafted upward, curled across Tess's nose, and plucked at the straggly curls of hair along her brow. Her milk released in a rush. The terrible, aching tautness began to lessen. She closed her eyes and let her head bang back against the wooden headboard.
Savannah bent closer. "Better?"
"Yes," she said shakily, "I think it's helping...."
46
After about ten minutes and an equal number of towels, Tess felt like a new woman.
"Do you want to try feeding him now?"
Savannah's voice eked through the almost hypnotic state Tess had slipped into. She smiled sleepily and lifted Caleb to her breasts. "Come on, baby Caleb, let's try again."
This time Caleb latched on as if he'd been doing it all his life. His tiny fingers unfurled and planted themselves on either side of her breast. In the blink of an eye he became more than just the baby she'd been holding; he became a part of her.
Tess stared down at him and felt an emotion so big, so profound, she knew she'd never feel its like again. Awe, pride, humility, love, peace. The feeling filled her soul and lit it with brilliant, white-hot light. She got a hint?a fleeting glimpse?of what motherhood could be, and it made her ache with longing. She felt ... needed right now. Important. And not as a scientist with a brilliant mind, but as a human being. A person. It was a feeling she'd sought all her life, at first with desperation, and then with a nagging sense of despair.
She looked up suddenly at Savannah, eager to share this moment with someone.
The cold, guarded look in Savannah's eyes sliced through Tess's happiness. The words backed up in her throat, became a tangled mass. She closed her mouth.
Her joy bled away, turned into another aching sadness. All her life she'd waited to find someone with whom to share her joys and sorrows. Someone to love. And now here she was in the midst of the one thing she'd always sought?a family of her own?and she was more isolated and alone than ever.
She lowered her lashes to hide her disappointment. "Thanks."
Savannah lurched to her feet. "I gotta go start dinner."
47
She was halfway to the door before the words were even out of her mouth.
