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I know my Mum well, so I know that on the inside she’s rejoicing at my news. On the outside, though, she’s doing her best to stay cool and appear calm. “I’m so glad to hear that. And I’ll come with you.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You’re supposed to be resting. I’ll ask Holly to come with me.” And if she can’t, I’ll be a big girl and do this on my own. I don’t tell Mum that, though, because I know she’ll turn up if she finds out I’m by myself.
Her expression tells me she’d do anything to be the one with me at the appointment, but she doesn’t voice that. Instead, she points her finger at me and says, “Okay, but I’ll be calling you afterwards to see how you are, so make sure you answer your phone.”
I grin. “I see you’ve been taking tips on how to be bossy from King.”
She shakes her head with a smile. “That man will be the death of me one day.”
“And you wouldn’t have it any other way.” I wrap my arms around her in a hug. “I love you, Mum.”
“I love you too, baby.”
After the way Fury made me feel earlier, I want to stay here forever with her. In her arms. She’s my safe place. Hell, with the kick in the guts he delivered, anywhere other than near him is my safe place today.
13
Zara
* * *
“Last time, we talked very generally about the trauma you’ve been through, and you gave me some history on your family and your life,” my psychologist says on Tuesday afternoon when I have my session with her. “Today I want to go back to the night of the mugging and talk about what happened that night.”
I want to tell her no, but I don’t. “Okay.” My mouth has gone dry and the word squeaks out. When she doesn’t speak again but sits silently, waiting for me, I start, “I was walking along Pitt Street. It was late. Or actually, early morning, just after 2:00 a.m.” I stop talking and reach for the glass of water she gave me when I arrived. I desperately need the water.
While I take a sip, she says, “I want to start earlier in the night.”
I stop sipping, every muscle in my body tensing. No. “Why?”
She considers her reply a
nd then says, “I heard self blame from you last week. I want to explore where that’s coming from.”
I know where it’s coming from and it’s entirely warranted. I just don’t know if I have it in me to explore this with her because right now, everything inside of me is saying to get up and walk out. Possibly the one thing really stopping me from doing that is the fact Holly is sitting outside waiting for me. I’m not sure what I want more: to escape this room or to finish out this session and make my sister, and my parents, proud.
Taking a deep breath, I try to ignore the feeling of a heavy weight pressing down on my chest and start at the beginning. “That night started at a club in town with my friends.” God, please let my heart stop beating so fast. “It was just another night out for us. We drank some cocktails, took some Molly, danced for hours. The guy I’d been fooling around with for months… I mean, not sex… everything else but that… he hooked up with some other girl, and Marissa, my bestie… well, she’s not my friend anymore, but she was… she told me to find someone, too. It was dumb, but I was rolling and fucked up, so I thought it was a good idea. Kind of like a “fuck you” to Tommy.”
“Tommy is the guy you’d been fooling around with?”
I nod. “Yeah. He’s an idiot. I know that now, but I’d been into him since last year. We had this push-pull thing going on. It was messed up. Anyway, I met a guy at the club and danced with him for hours before he asked me to spend the night with him. I agreed, which is something I’d never done before. I mean, I’d only ever slept with two guys before that. And I didn’t do one-night stands.” I pause for a moment and meet her eyes, needing her to hear me when I say, “I had a reputation at school for being a slut, but I wasn’t. I was into guys, and I flirted like crazy and did stuff with them, but I only ever slept with a guy if he was my boyfriend.”
I reach for the glass of water again and take another sip, willing the dryness in my mouth to ease. I’m also waiting for her to tell me I can stop talking, that she’s got enough background now. But she doesn’t. She just nods and says, “What happened next?”
My hand is a little shaky as I place the glass down and I quickly snatch it back and press it into my lap. My fingers fidget and I look down. “I went back to his hotel with him. He was older, maybe like twenty-eight or so. I don’t really know, but he was way more experienced than me. It started off amazing. He was so nice and seemed to want to make it good for me.” I meet her gaze again, trying like hell not to allow my tears to fall. “But then it wasn’t good. He got rough.” My first tear falls. I can’t control them anymore. Not when my memories are rushing at me like this. Not when my shame has taken over. “I told him I wasn’t into rough sex, but he told me just to go with it, that I’d like it by the time he was finished.” I have so many tears now I can barely see through them. I don’t bother wiping them away because I know more will replace them. Swallowing hard, I shake my head madly. “I can’t do this. Not today.” I stand. “I’m sorry.”
Without waiting for her to respond, I flee the room, rushing right past Holly and out the door. Taking the stairs faster than is safe, I reach the bottom and push through the front doors of the building to run outside. Gulping in fresh air like I need it to survive, I try to slow my racing heart. To stop the memories crashing into me, delivering unbearable shame and pain.
I can’t do this.
Not today, not ever.
It’s too much.
I’m drowning.
“Zara.”
I jump at Fury’s voice from behind, but I don’t turn to face him. He startled me so much my chest is tightening like it does when I have one of my paranoia episodes. I grip the railing in front of me and focus on my breaths, trying to get a handle on this before it turns into a full-blown attack.
