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Page 24 of In Christofides' Keeping

“Why?…Why do you hate it so much, M?” Bash asked in a low rumble, still looking at me like I was two seconds away from attacking him in rage.

“Because I'm in love with you!” I don't know what possessed me to tell him, but the words were out of my mouth before I could do anything to stop them. The tension between us amplified to stifling levels, and there was no turning back. I had to lay it all out on the line and let our house of cards fall.

“I am so fucking in love with you, Bash. I have been since we were kids,” I cried, my eyes starting to leak tears like a broken sieve. “I swear to God, I tried not to be because I knew you wouldn't feel the same, but I couldn't help it. I fell so hard for you, and it's been fucking torture trying to move on from you. The day I met Ainsley was one of the worst days of my life because it was cold, hard proof that I was living a fantasy imagining that there was a world where you could love me too.” The first thought that emerged in my head was that the worst day of my life was undoubtedly when he woke up with no memory of us hooking up, but I at least had the presence of mind not to mention that.

I pressed on because the words just wouldn't stop coming. “I know you don't feel the same, Bash, and I am so sorry that I've complicated our friendship like this, but…” I paused, only then realizing that I had slowly approached him as I spoke and I was then inches away from him.

Bash was stock-still, frozen in place and still gaping at me with those captivating eyes. I couldn't help it. My body moved of its own volition, and my lips slammed into his.

The memories of our last kiss flooded my nervous system and I whimpered involuntarily. His lips were even softer and warmer than I remembered, and dear God, it washed over me like a rush of warm water. Bash was stone under my touch for a second until he started responding to the kiss, pressing a little firmer against my mouth and his hand came up to cup my jaw. He then took control of the kiss and opened his mouth a bit, his tongue tentatively probing for mine.

Sweet Jesus, how much did I fucking miss his kiss? How did I ever think that I could purge him from my heart? From my very soul?

I moaned lightly and Bash opened his mouth more, his tongue more sure as his left hand came up to join his right on my face. The kiss was liquid fire, spreading through my veins like the most potent drug.

The tears kept spilling down my face, flavoring our kiss with its saltiness and Bash's thumbs reached up to wipe them away. The gesture made my heart unfurl and open up to him more, begging him to take it as his own. I was consumed by his touch, his smell permeating every pore and seeping into the surface of my skin.God, please don't let this stop…I can't go without this again. This is everything I need and more.

As soon as I thought it, Bash yanked away from me, stumbling back a couple of paces and breathing hard. It took my brain a few seconds to recalibrate after our abrupt parting, and when I was finally able to focus, my heart started to bleed because I knew exactly what was coming.

“Micah, I'm…” Bash stammered, and the use of my first name mangled the bleeding organ in my chest and tears streamed down with no end in sight. “I'm so sorry. I got caught up in the moment…I shouldn't have done that...”

Please…fuck, please stop talking…don't say it…

“M, you are my very best friend in the world and are more important to me than anyone, and…”

I can't do this…I want the earth to swallow me whole and make me disappear…please just let me disappear…

“I do love you, but…I don't love you the same way you love me. I'm so sorry, but I don't feel the same.”

Why doesn't he love me?…I just wanted him to want to be with me…to choose me…

I closed my eyes, no longer able to feel embarrassment or shame that he was seeing just how much his rejection had torn through me. There were several moments of silence where I just stood there quietly crying and Bash breathing, just allowing me to break in front of him.

Finally, I gathered myself enough to end this conversation so I could drag myself into my apartment and begin the arduous task of piecing my heart back together, bit by bit.

“It's okay, Bash. I promise, it's okay. I don't blame you at all. You can't help how you feel, and I know you love me as your best friend. That's enough for me. I can do the work to move on from you eventually, but I could not live without you being my Person. I still need you more than anything, BB. I still need to love you in at least that way,” I managed to say, surprising myself with how steady I sounded despite the sadness coloring my voice.

Bash had the ghost of tears on his face, showing that he had been just as affected by our daunting, charged conversation. He nodded and cleared his throat, appearing to have trouble talking now and I couldn't blame him.

“M…you are my absolute favorite person. I couldn't bear to not have you in my life. I'm so sorry if I hurt you, but I willalwaysneed you. Understand?” Bash forced out thickly through his own tears.

That was enough. It had to be enough. The last time I had told him I loved him, he didn't hear it and I fought like hell to ignore my feelings and carry on like before. Maybe the key was to have all cards on the table to allow us to find a new normal. He knew I loved him now, and he had finally voiced the one thing that I had not been able to 100% accept in my heart.Bash isn't in love with me, and he never will be.

Half of me was shattered and broken at the declaration, but strangely enough the other half of me was calm and receptive. It was the confirmation I had needed to hear, no matter how painful. Yes. It had to be enough.

“Thank you so much, Bash. Thank you for still loving me even after all this,” I whispered, the faintest smile on my face to show him I meant it. Bash smiled at me, a couple of tears escaping down his cheeks and the sight made my heart throb painfully.

“Of course I do, M. I'll never stop being here for you,” he paused, taking a deep breath and breaking the intense eye contact of the last several minutes. “Do you want me to come up, maybe watch a movie? We never did finishThe Aviator, you know?”

It hurt more than I thought it would, but I couldn't be around him anymore tonight. I was too fragile, too sore, too wounded from all the discoveries the night had brought. His presence would pick at the wound that would never heal if I didn't get distance from him.

“Um…that honestly sounds great, but…I think I need some time alone tonight. This evening's been…heavy,” I muttered to him, finding it once again hard to maintain eye contact.

Bash deflated and his face fell, but he nodded and gave me a small smile after. “No, I get it, M. Really. Will you please text or call me tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course. We're good, BB,” I reassured him, and started for the door to my building, desperate to get inside and fall onto my bed so I could cry out all the emotions that had built up. Before the door closed behind me, I heard Bash call my name. I turned to face him.

“Promise me we're okay…we have to be okay, M&M,” Bash called out to me, his face pleading with me to answer him with that promise.


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