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Which wasn’t as great as it sounded. I was wracked by guilt and worry, especially for Nessa. Brody knew the deal and understood the risks, and he was a soldier anyway, he put himself out in harm’s way all the time.
But although Nessa betrayed me, I still didn’t want her to get hurt. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.
“You look stressed.” Matteo stretched next to me, wearing only a black bathing suit. His skin glimmered in the afternoon sunlight, and I felt a sudden spike of desire. We’d been sleeping in the same bed every night since we got married, and he was still as insatiable as that very first night. It was almost too distracting, except every time he touched my skin, I completely forgot all about my hesitations and worries, and gave myself over to him completely.
“I’m just thinking,” I said, shrugging a little. I rolled onto my side and smiled as he shaded his face. “Worried about Nessa, I guess.”
“She’ll be okay,” he said. “Brody’s looking out for her now.”
“She sounded a little unsure the last time we talked.”
“What, last night?”
“Yeah.” I reached out and touched his hand. “I’m starting to worry about everything, you know?”
He squeezed my palm in return and sat up. “You should call her then,” he said. “Talk to her.”
“Maybe I should.” I bit my lip and checked the time. “Think she’s around?”
“I don’t know, but it can’t hurt to try.” He leaned forward and kissed my thigh.
“I keep thinking about killing my own family,” I whispered, looking at the pool. “Could you do that? Kill your own uncle?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “If it meant saving the rest of my people, I think I could. But remember, you’re not the one pulling the trigger.”
“I know that, but I’m a part of it.”
“You don’t have to be.” He stared at me, frowning slightly. “You could back out, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have the contracts now,” he said. “I can deal with Nessa and Brody directly. You don’t have to be in the middle of everything anymore.”
I chewed on my cheek and shook my head, standing abruptly. “I can’t do that,” I said. “That’d be even worse, right? Just sitting back and watching it all happen?”
“I’d rather you backed out,” he said honestly. “Otherwise, you’ll be in danger like the rest of us.”
I picked up my towel and wrapped it around myself. “I think I’m going to call Nessa,” I said.
He nodded once and leaned back onto his chair. “All right, come find me when you’re done.”
I slipped my feet into my flip-flops and walked off onto the grass, phone clutched in my hand. I felt a little dizzy and had to move a bit before dialing Nessa’s number and waiting for it to ring.
She answered right away. “I was just thinking about you,” she said. “I’m sitting here in the park, swinging all alone, and I was wondering what you were up to, and then you called.”
“I was thinking about you, too,” I said.
“What are you up to in that big old mansion with that hot husband of yours?”
“Oh, you know, sitting by the pool.”
“Oh my god,” she said and sighed. “I am so extremely jealous.”
“I know, but listen, I didn’t call to brag.”
“I hope not.” She laughed softly and some wind blew into the receiver. “So what’s going on, you okay?”
“I wanted to ask you something.” I headed down to the tree line, but stopped before I got there. I didn’t want to go into the woods without shoes on. “I’m having second thoughts.”
She was quiet for a few seconds. “How big of second thoughts?” she asked.
“Not huge,” I admitted. “But still. Colm’s my uncle, you know? And I’m helping Matteo kill him. I’m just conflicted.”
Nessa let out a deep breath. I could practically see her swinging back and forth in that beat-up old playground all alone, staring at the ratty row homes that were our entire lives, the crumbling neighborhood, the broken-down cars, the trashed-strewn gutters. I could see her looking around and wondering what the hell Colm ever did for her or for anyone, other than get them killed.
“I understand what you mean,” she said finally. “It’s not easy, you know? I’m glad I’m not Brody.”
“But you’re helping him.”
“I know.” She took a deep breath. “Look, I think you should meet someone. Can you get away for a few hours?”
I looked back toward the pool. Matteo wasn’t watching me, but I knew that he’d come looking if I went out of his sight for even ten seconds. I was his pregnant wife, even if our marriage was more for political reasons than anything else.
“Not alone,” I said.
“Bring the husband then.” Nessa laughed. “Look at you, whipped already.”
“Yeah, yeah. Who am I meeting?”
“You know her already, but I think it should be a surprise. Can you come to Rittenhouse? Somewhere public but where the other Healy guys wouldn’t go.”
