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“That’s not the only reason why.” Mark’s shoulders stiffened and she could feel the tension in the moment. He put down his fork.
What wasn’t he telling her?
He took a deep breath and turned to face her. He took her hands. “When I first decided to try for the prize money, yes, I wanted to get away and I wanted to sail off to a faraway place and be on the water, where I think Timothy’s spirit is.” He took a deep breath, his dark eyes troubled as they met hers. “But I’ll admit to you that part of me hoped I wouldn’t come back.”
“What do you mean?” Laura frowned. “You’d settle somewhere else? A different country?”
Mark shook his head slowly. “No.” He took another breath. “It’s dangerous in some parts of the world, you know. Storms come out of nowhere. Sailboats get lost at sea all the time.”
Suddenly, Laura’s heart rate sped up. She squeezed his hands. “So you mean you wanted to sink the ship? On purpose?” The weight of the revelation hit her and she leaned against the kitchen counter for support. Was Mark suicidal? She thought about that day at the beach, when he’d gone under and hadn’t come back up right away.
“I don’t know exactly,” he admitted. “All I know is that since Timothy died, I haven’t found much of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. And I liked the idea of trying to go out in a blaze of glory.”
“But…” Laura was still processing this. Was he still considering suicide? “Are you serious about this? I mean, really serious? Or is it just a passing thought?”
Mark dropped her hands and then let out a long breath. “I’ve tried to drown myself,” he said, not meeting her gaze as he studied the wooden spoon sitting on the counter.
“When?” Laura felt like her heart almost stopped. Her appetite suddenly fled as she studied his profile.
He sighed. “That day. On the beach. When I went for a swim and you were there.”
Laura hugged herself, not knowing what to say. “I knew something was wrong that day. How you just walked out there. How you stayed under so long.”
He nodded. “But I couldn’t do it. My reflexes took over…and…” He held out his hands, palms up.
“I’m glad you failed,” she said.
He nodded. “Me, too.”
She glanced at him, realizing maybe for the first time just how wounded they both were, how much healing they both still had to do. And then she remembered the pregnancy test. She ought to take it. She needed to take it. But first, she needed to know how Mark was.
“Do you…” She almost didn’t want the answer to this question. She almost didn’t want to know, but she had to ask it. “Do you still want to…” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word die. The idea of him killing himself made her feel panicky. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t leave her. He couldn’t do what her own mother did to her—abandon her and leave her wondering if there was something she could’ve done to save him. Left wondering if it was all her fault.
Mark moved his bar stool closer to hers, so their legs were touching.
“No,” he said. “I mean, I’m not sure.”
Not sure. The words hit her like a punch to the stomach. All the air left her lungs.
“Before you came into my life, I had a plan,” he admitted. “I knew exactly what I was going to do. I was going to race, win the money, sail around the world and then when that was over, I’d either figure out how to put this all behind more or just…not come back. But, you…you changed all that.”
Laura glanced up at him, saw the earnestness in his dark brown eyes. He took her hand.
“I used to wake up in the morning and just think about the boat. The boat and Timothy and nothing else.” He reached for her hand and linked his in hers. “But now…”
She studied their interlaced fingers, her heart pounding in her chest like she’d just run a marathon. She had no idea she’d had this effect on him.
“But now, I think of you when I wake up. I think of the boat and Timothy…later.” He moved closer to her. “Laura, you changed me. You have.” He put his arms around her and she moved into his embrace. The truth was he’d affected her, too. He’d given her a reason to hope again.
“You changed me, too.” Laura knew what it felt like to be hopeless. “I came to this island not knowing what I’d find. I ran away from my problems, and in doing so, I found you. You gave me a purpose. You helped me see how my life could go on.” Laura clung to him. She felt a tear slip down her cheek. “You can’t leave me. You’re not allowed to die.”
