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But that was old me talking, that was me who didn’t know to expect better.
“Of course it wasn’t a fluke. You’re officially a successful entrepreneur.” Bex handed me a mimosa.
We clinked glasses together and celebrated my success.
“So, are you going to call Brant or Dick—Kieran to take you out?” Rosa asked, not looking at me.
“Neither.”
Rosa eyed me.
“Well, I can’t say that I don’t want to share this news with them both. They each helped me get here. You and Hollie, too. But Kieran is the one who said he didn’t want to be friends.”
“Could you really have just gone back to the ways things were before? You don’t think that would’ve been a slow death in itself?” Bex asked quietly.
“Maybe. And maybe one day, we’ll see each other and we’ll say hi. Or…” I didn’t want to think about what that would be like. I didn’t know if it would be bittersweet or just bitter.
I suddenly had this vision of twenty years later seeing him in a corner store getting bread and milk and I wave, and he waves, there are lines around his eyes making him that much more devastating. And me… I couldn’t see myself. All I could see was that we pass each other with a solemnity and a reverence for what was, and maybe contentment with what is.
I guessed that’s the best I could hope for.
“What about Brant?” Rosa prodded.
“You’re just not going to leave this alone, are you?”
“No,” Rosa said.
“Duh,” Bex replied at the same time.
“His graduation is today. I’m going to go.”
“Oh really?” Bex smirked.
“He sent me an invitation. It’s not like that.”
“Why the hell not?” Rosa demanded.
“Because, I told you. We both need to heal and I’m not ready to worry about a relationship with anyone but myself. I’m just getting to know me.” That was true. I was just getting to know the me I wanted to be and it was hard work to get there.
“Riding Brant like a carnival attraction will in no way detract from your vision quest.” Rosa snorted.
“Maybe. Maybe not. He’s got his own stuff too, you know. He was really patient while I figured out what I wanted, but I know I hurt him.”
“So say you’re sorry.” Bex shrugged.
They just weren’t getting it. I couldn’t expect someone to love me until I could love myself. I didn’t have anything to give back. I cared about Brant, but was I in love with him?
No.
Could I be? It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility it could happen, but I was still healing from Kieran, and most importantly from that voice in my head that told me I was never pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough.
I had to tell myself every day that I didn’t have to be any of those things, that myself was good enough.
“So why are you going to his graduation?” Rosa eyed me.
Okay, so maybe I did want to see him. Maybe I did want to feel what it was like when he looked at me like I was some kind of goddess. Yes, I wanted that, but I wasn’t going to play with his feelings to get it. I wasn’t going to test him.
I wasn’t going to be Kieran.
“He was a good friend, even when it hurt him to be so. I want to do the same for him. I’m proud of him. He worked hard to get here.”
“Speaking of working, do you know that he quit The Rooster?” Rosa said while inspecting her nails, as if this wasn’t huge news.
“When? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I kind of thought you guys would hash this all out. You know you belong with him,” Rosa said.
“And to think, that once upon a time, I was sure he couldn’t be anything like prince charming because he’s so much shorter than me. I guess that would be like him saying I couldn’t be his princess because of how fat I am.” I sighed. “You know what? I believed that part too.”
“Shut up with that,” Bex said.
“No, really. You don’t know what it’s like. You’re thin, petite even.” I shook my head. “You don’t know what it’s like to wear a label.”
“Oh, you think? Want to walk a mile in my Louboutins?” Bex bit her lip. “I’m not fat, but I am a slut. Or that’s what they call me.”
I turned my head sharply. “Really? Why?”
“Because I’m a slut, obviously.”
I knew it was meant to be light, but there was such pain behind her words.
“Tell us,” Rosa encouraged.
“I don’t do anything a man wouldn’t.” The outgoing Bex was suddenly shy and withdrawn. “I sleep with who I like, when I like. I like sex. So I have it.”
