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“Me too.” I nodded.
“What did you do?”
“I threw away our friendship.”
“Are we so broken we can’t be fixed?”
I studied him again and this time, he met my regard. This wasn’t the same man who’d told me on the night of April’s birthday how I deserved to be happy, how I should give Brant a chance… That was the Kieran I was in love with. This guy was someone different. He wasn’t the Kieran I knew and he wasn’t Finn McCool either.
“Why can’t we just say April was my Brant and start over?”
Again, there was part of me that surrendered to this idea. That it would be okay if I could just forget about it—this was the happily ever after I wanted and the only thing standing in the way was the evil stepsister who tricked the prince.
But no one tricked him into anything.
“If you’ll remember, I wasn’t your girlfriend when I slept with Brant. In fact, you set us up.”
“It cut me just the same.”
“So every time you’re hurt, this is what I can expect from you?”
“April told me that you were the reason I could never have a relationship because I was already in one with you.”
“What does that even mean?” I cried.
“It means that none of the women I’ve been with in the last five years have mattered a damn to me except you.”
It disgusted me that his statement made me feel special. It shouldn’t have. It wasn’t a compliment. “So April’s the great sage now? Fine. You know what else she said? At the beginning of any relationship, things are the best they’re ever going to be. So if this is the best it can be, it’s not worth it for either of us.”
“Claire—”
“No. Look, I love you. That’s never been in doubt.” It felt good to say it. “But you didn’t trust me not to hurt you and now I don’t trust you not to hurt me.” I straightened and lifted my chin. I felt lighter for saying it, like I’d laid down a burden. “I did once, even though that voice in my head told me not to. You know, the one that makes me think I’ll never have anything, ever be anyone. Ever be beautiful enough, smart enough… loved enough? Do you know what it’s like when that voice is right?”
“I do.” He nodded solemnly. “I never wanted to be that to you.”
“I don’t know that you do. You never net let anyone close enough to let the voice be right.”
“You.”
That answer was like ignition on a rocket. “Me? When, Kieran? When did I make the voice right?”
“By not forgiving me.”
“This was a test and you know what, that’s not how love works. Life tests us enough without testing each other. I’m supposed to feel bad that I can’t be okay with you sleeping with other women? With a woman who used to be my friend?” I shook my head. “No, I’m done.”
“I can’t just be friends with you.”
Panic threatened to strangle me, but logic overrode fear. He was manipulating me, just like the test. And April had been right on at least that, the part about how things would never be any better.
I could suddenly see why Kieran couldn’t maintain a relationship with anyone. Anytime someone had expectations of him, he couldn’t stand it.
Finally, I realized maybe I could be the woman I wanted to be, maybe I was actually on my way to becoming her because the way I perceived myself—that woman—she would have taken this shit because she thought she deserved it.
Or she couldn’t do any better.
But I didn’t deserve it.
And I could do better.
Even though my heart was breaking, I think it was a lot like re-breaking a bone to set it correctly.
“Then I guess you should look for somewhere else to live.”
“You’re evicting me?”
“Of course not, but if you don’t even want to be my friend, we shouldn’t be living in the same house.”
“What are you going to do if Chubbalicious fails? All your money is tied up in that and this house.”
“If you’re not my friend, why do you care?”
“Damn it, Claire.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “Things can’t end like this.”
“You’re the one ending them. I’m trying to be your friend.”
“But we’re not friends, not anymore.”
“Why? If we can’t be friends, we sure as hell can’t be lovers.”
“I guess you’re right. I’ll start looking for a place.”
It was stupid that part of me still wanted him to fight for me, for us. But I’d told him no, what did I expect?
The short answer was not this, but the long answer was much more complicated and made of fairy dust and bubbles.
