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It wasn’t just the night previous that had made that decision for me, I think it was a long time coming and when I realized that her voice was so much like my mother’s, I knew it was time to cut her loose. I’d already had that in my life once before and it hadn’t done anything for me.
She called several more times until she finally texted to say that she was coming over.
It was tempting to hide in my bedroom and rot.
She didn’t have a key and I doubted that Kieran would be letting her in any time soon.
The very idea of her being in my house made me sick. Maybe Kieran and I weren’t together, but as selfish as it was, I couldn’t have it: Her. Him. In my house. Together.
Again.
I was sure that the gentle tap on my window was her.
If she tapped it again, I’d answer it. But if she was content to let it go with one tap, so was I. It would be a relief to let the friendship die quietly, rather than with an explosion.
The bitch tapped again.
Damn her.
I opened the window. “I would have thought the whole not answering your calls or texts might have been a pretty good indicator that I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I have some things I need to say to you.”
Her face was puffy from crying. She looked bad and rather than having any empathy for her like I should have, all I could feel was a certain sense of grim satisfaction. “Because it’s all about what you need to do, right?”
“Claire—”
“No. Fuck you, April. We’re done.”
“Over a guy? Are you kidding me?”
“I could say the same to you. I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt. But fucking Kieran now, after you knew we were together? Yeah, whatever.”
She looked like I’d slapped her. “He told you?”
“Of course he told me. He tells me everything. He always has.”
“I bet he didn’t mention the part where he couldn’t keep it up because all he could do was say your name and snivel in his whiskey.”
“Well, look at that.” I cocked my head to the side. “I guess you were wrong.”
“About what?”
“About it always being about who was thinner? I guess it’s not.”
“Yeah, and I guess you’re having a grand old time saying ‘I told you so’.”
“Of course I am. You would too if you were me.”
“I’d never let myself be you.” Her lip curled in disgust.
“Let yourself? You couldn’t hack it in my skin, sweetheart.” I nodded. “So whatever you think you have to say, I don’t want to hear it because I don’t care. So go back to your tower on high and fuck yourself while you’re at it.”
“Maybe I’m here to see Kieran too.”
“And maybe you can take him with you because you won’t be seeing him in my house.”
“He can have guests.”
“Not you.” Christ, I knew it was petty, but at the moment, the one thing I could control was access to my own property.
“That’s pathetic.”
“You can paint it up in any whore’s makeup you like, but after it all washes off, the answer is still the same.”
“What do you think he would have to say about it?”
“That’s what you keep missing, April. He doesn’t get to say anything about it.”
“It’s sad you’d use the roof over his head to keep him.”
I wasn’t trying to keep him at all. I wasn’t forcing him to do anything. “What’s sad is that you still think I care about your opinion. Why don’t you go think about why it was he couldn’t keep his dick hard for you? You know that old adage it’s not you, it’s me? Well, it’s not. It really is you.”
I slammed the window closed and the blinds fell back into place.
It was a strange brew of emotion left for me. I was heartsick, but there was a manic kind of joy too.
Until Kieran opened the door to my room.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
At first, I thought that was a stupid question, but since I’d decided to lie about the answer, I guess it wasn’t after all. “I’m fine.”
“I heard you yelling.” He peered around the room, as if someone was going to pop out from under the bed.
“That would have been April telling me how sad and pathetic I am.” I nodded slowly.
He looked like refried shit. The bags under his eyes, the exhaustion written on his face, and deep pools of sadness in his eyes.
In that second, I wanted to forgive him anything and everything. I couldn’t stand to see him looking so broken and lost.
“I’m sorry,” he said, eyes closed, as if he couldn’t stand to look at me.
