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His kiss convinced me everything would be okay.
“Oh my god, I’m so sore. I can’t do this again,” I giggled. It was a good sore though, it was something I could get used to.
“That’s good lass, because I don’t think I can do it again. At least not for another hour.” He grinned.
I clenched my thighs, thinking of it. If he wanted me again even if it hurt, I’d let him. “Actually, I need to go to the store.”
“What? Why? We don’t have anywhere we have to be. I just want to stay in your bed. Until tomorrow. Then we can stay in my bed.”
I laughed. “We had sex without a condom.”
“Aren’t you on something?” he questioned.
“No.”
His eyes widened. “Why the fuck not?”
“It makes me sick.”
“Oh Jaysus.”
“No, it’s fine. Don’t lose your shit. I’ll just get the morning after pill. It’ll be fine.” The water was starting to get cold.
“It needs to be.”
His response pissed me off at first, but he looked so terrified, that I couldn’t stay angry. I mean, he could have gotten a condom. Brant never—I couldn’t start down that road. “Kieran,” I said his name to make him look at me, really look at me. “It will be. I promise.”
“I guess we need to talk.”
“I thought that was what we were doing?” I turned off the water. “Hand me a towel.”
I wrapped the towel around my body and one around my hair before stepping out on to the bathmat.
“There’s more I need to tell you. You may not want to be with me after.”
“Unless you kick puppies for fun, or you’re a serial killer, there’s nothing you can tell me that’s going to change my mind.” I realized that he needed as much reassurance as I did.
“Even if I said that I don’t want children? Not just not now, not ever.”
I considered. “I guess we should’ve had this talk before we started having sex.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I can’t say what I’ll want in the future, but right now, I don’t either. Now, I know that comes with being with you. I accept that.”
“Can you really?”
“Not all women want children. I wouldn’t want to just have them to have them. I’m in love with you, and that means all of you.”
“Even Finn?”
I bit my lip. “I guess even Finn.”
“You guess?” He raised a black brow. We were back in playful territory. Back where we were both comfortable.
“Well, you know, Kieran is better in bed than Finn.”
“When did you ever sleep with Finn?”
“Finn and Brant. After Brant left, then you were Kieran.”
“You do know me.”
“Was that in doubt?”
“I guess not.” He grinned. “So where do we have to go to get this thing?”
“Just to the pharmacy. I can go myself. It’s no big deal.” Except I really did want him to go with me. I was an adult, I could handle my reproductive choices alone if I had to, but I really wanted him to do it with me for some reason.
Maybe because I was still kind of irritated about the condom. I could have spoken up, I should have told them to wear them. That was on me, too. I couldn’t think about how many women either of them had been with or it would turn my stomach.
Which was completely hypocritical of me, but I couldn’t help how it made me feel. Although I could help how I reacted to it.
“I’ll go with you. Then we can get dinner.”
“Okay, let me get dressed.”
I thought about the takeout Brant had brought me sitting in its styrofoam container. I picked it up when I walked into the room and carried it out to the fridge.
He wasn’t going to call me.
He wasn’t coming back.
When he said he’d miss me, it wasn’t just tonight. That certainty clanged through my head like a bell.
There was a pang deep under my ribs that I couldn’t explain, so I didn’t think about it. Instead, I got dressed.
On the ride to the pharmacy, I enjoyed my newfound freedom to touch Kieran as I chose, to indulge my every urge to be close to him and it was an amazing feeling. I kissed down his neck, nipped at his ear, ran my hands over his thighs.
Who would’ve thought I’d have ended up here?
God, I loved him so much it hurt. If I’d thought being with Kieran was like a razorblade when I didn’t speak of it, it was sharper somehow now that I could. I was so afraid I’d wake up and this would all be a dream. I’d fallen asleep petting his hair last Saturday and I hadn’t woken up.
I inhaled the scent of him and he still smelled like sex—he smelled like us. It was like I’d marked him with it. I liked that.
