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I looked at it dumbly, the piece of technology in my hand. I glanced back and forth between the phone and Kieran.
“I didn’t want to hurt her,” he said.
The mean girl in me raged. Who cared? If he didn’t care about hurting Brant, why should it matter how April felt? April didn’t care how anyone else felt. But the woman I wanted to be, the one who I was trying so hard to become, she just nodded. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“I shouldn’t have invited her to breakfast. I should have kept everything the same. But I thought since we were friends… I knew this would happen. I warned her.”
“I did too, but that doesn’t change how shitty it feels, does it?” Even though those words were hollow, considering I was still doing a poisonous little cheer.
“No, it doesn’t. She’s the only one who ever said she wanted something other than Finn.”
“That’s not true.”
He studied me hard, another one of those seconds that loomed into the eternal. “You never wanted Finn at all. She said she wanted both.”
I decided then that words should be licensed the same as firearms because they were just as deadly.
“I’m going to grab that shower now.” I fled from him, from the accusation, from the possibility that it might be true.
He didn’t stop me, but a few moments later with the hot water running over my body, I heard the door creak open.
“I don’t want April,” he said quietly.
With the curtain between us, it was easier to speak, I felt protected. Which was dumb, it was just a stupid piece of plastic. “It’s okay if you do. What happened—” I tried not to choke on the words “—it can just be something that happened. Something we tried together. It doesn’t have to change us.”
“We’re already changed and I can’t pretend we aren’t. I don’t want to pretend we aren’t.”
“Me either.” I leaned back under the water, the heat comforting. “But I don’t want to lose you either. I don’t want you to feel…” I inhaled deeply, searching for the right words. Or maybe it was just the strength to say the right words. “I don’t want you to feel like because you live here, if you don’t give me what I want, that you’ll lose anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t have to fuck me to live here. Or to still be my friend.” I inhaled again, as if that would fortify me. “Or for me to love you. I’ll always love you, Kieran. Always.”
“I’ve wanted you since the moment we met.”
I peeked out from behind the curtain. I had to see the expression on his face. I needed to reassure myself he was telling the truth.
“Then why didn’t you say so?”
“Because I wanted to keep something in my life that wasn’t tainted by my dick.” He looked so haunted then it almost broke my heart.
“Why do you do the job that you do if you think your dick taints everything?” Water dripped down my cheek and he smoothed it away with the pad of his thumb.
“Because it’s what I’m good at.”
“You’re good at a lot of things. The way you suped up your car with your own hands? Not everyone can do that.”
“Bollocks. That’s a simple thing, lass.”
“For you. Not for everyone.” I ducked back behind the curtain and finished washing my hair.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said after a while. “With Brant I mean. I really thought you’d be good together.”
“We are,” I admitted. “But I’ve always been in love with you.”
“Part of me wonders if it’s fair that we have to hurt all our friends to be together.”
I swallowed hard, dreading what he would say next. That it was all over. This was a fluke. We shouldn’t have done it.
“But then I realize fuck them. It’s not our fault if we’re in love. It happened. They can either be happy for us or fuck off.”
Could it be that simple? Did I want it to be? Was I ready to give up all of my friendships just to be with Kieran? A few weeks ago, I would have said yes.
Who was I kidding? Of course I’d say yes. I’d wanted him for so long and now he was mine. I wasn’t going to throw away everything I’d ever wanted with both hands. I didn’t want to hurt Brant, I didn’t want to hurt April, but it was okay for me to be happy, right? I’d lived a long time worrying about making other people happy, worrying about what other people thought. It was time for me.
“Right. They can all fuck off. We have each other.”
“That’s my girl.” He pulled the curtain back and I squealed, but he tugged me against him anyway and kissed me hard.
