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I wanted them to be normal, right? Because maybe Kieran was a fantasy best left as the path I didn’t take. What if I fell in love with him, and I was just another notch on Finn McCool’s bedpost?
Or what if I was the pity fuck? That was even worse. I imagined him closing his eyes while he was on top of me and thinking about god and country so I didn’t kick him out.
How could I be so stupid?
“Do you want to start, or should I?” he said.
I closed my eyes, as if not looking at him could somehow drown out the cacophony in my head and all the things he was going to say that I didn’t want to hear.
“You.”
“Will you at least look at me, Claire?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
I took a deep breath to steady myself. “I’m afraid of what I’ll see.”
“You didn’t mind looking at me earlier when you were grinding on Brant.”
“That’s not fair. I didn’t expect you home.”
“Neither did you bother to stop.”
“Would you have?” My eyes were still closed.
“Not a chance.”
“Well, then.” What else could I say to that?
“Claire, look at me.”
The pads of his fingertips were warm on my jaw and he tilted my face up and my eyelashes fluttered—eyes opening against my better judgment.
“Was that so hard?” His voice was gentle.
“Yes.” My stupid lip quivered.
“I’m sorry.”
That wasn’t what I expected. “For what?”
“For earlier. I shouldn’t have said that to you. Can you forgive me and we’ll forget about it and move on?”
This was what I thought I wanted, but it couldn’t be that easy. Not for me, anyway. I’d pick it to death forever unless there was some real resolution. “It wasn’t what you said. It was that it was Finn saying it and not you.”
“Finn is me.”
“Is he? Because all this time, I thought Kieran was someone else. I thought Finn was a character you made up, and you get to play at being him.”
His shoulders sagged. “That’s because I wanted you to think I’m a better man than I am.”
I was torn. His words cut me, but they pissed me off too. I was pissed for him, pissed that he’d lied to me…only, those moments of quiet that were just us, that afternoon I’d spent in his arms, that wasn’t a lie. That was real.
“You just broke my heart,” I whispered. “You made me think that our friendship was special. That it was something different.”
“So did you. How do you think it felt to realize that you weren’t just watching the show, but me. Me!” he snarled. “And then you left with Brant anyway.”
“You wanted me to!” He’d set me up with him, for fuck’s sake.
“No, Claire. That changed everything.”
“What did?” I didn’t understand.
“The way you watched me.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “I always thought I was more to you than pretty meat. That’s all this is.” He pointed down at his body. “It’s just meat. It doesn’t matter. We were more.”
“And less.”
“And less,” he repeated quietly.
“It was just a dance.”
“But it gave me hope that you finally saw something more in me. It killed me that you saw me like everyone else, but it meant maybe things would go to the next level.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted?” I cried.
“Because I figured if you wanted me, you’d say so.”
“That’s what I thought about you.”
“I don’t think you realize how everyone else sees you, Claire. You’re like this force of nature. You don’t ever scale a mountain in your path, you barrel through it and no one is going to stop you.”
I laughed. “I thought out of everyone, you’d see through my hype. That’s all it is. I’m faking it until I make it, Kieran. I’d never in a million years think a guy like you could want anything from me but friendship.”
“We’re a fekking pair, aren’t we?”
“Can this be fixed?” I asked.
“Call Brant and tell him you’re not hungry and that he should take April home.” His eyes were dark and full of promise.
In that second, if I said yes, I could have him. I could have Kieran Holt. But at Brant’s expense. I couldn’t hurt him like that.
“I can’t do that.”
“Can’t? You mean you won’t.” His words were practically a growl.
“No, Kieran. I won’t. I won’t call someone I made plans with, someone who is currently buying all of us steak dinners, and tell him that he just spent a hundred dollars for no reason so you can get your dick wet.”
