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I didn’t have time to think about it too much, and not until the retching and heaving finally stopped. I sat with my back against the bathtub and blew my nose. My eyes were watering from throwing up, and I wondered if this was going to be the standard for the next nine months. I felt like crying. How was I going to do this? I lay down on the bath mat and curled into a ball, my arms folded over my stomach. I had taken two pregnancy tests, and both had come back positive. I was throwing up now, and I had been sick the whole week, but somehow I still hoped that I was wrong, that the pregnancy tests were false, and that something else was wrong with me.
At this point, there was a lot I was willing to accept if it meant I wasn’t going to have a baby.
I had gone to the doctor for a blood test, and I still hadn’t heard back from him. Why was it taking so long? What could they possibly be doing to my blood to take this much time? I had hoped I would get the results back on Thursday, shortly after I’d had the test done. A full weekend had passed, and I still hadn’t heard anything. I was starting to get angry. My life had been turned upside down, and the results I needed to find out what my course would be were taking forever.
After I was sure I wouldn’t throw up again, I splashed cold water on my face, brushed my teeth, and crawled back to bed. I should have been getting ready for work, but I didn’t feel up to it. Physically I was still sick even though I wasn’t throwing up anymore. Emotionally I was drained. I didn’t know how I was going to be an asset to the office, let alone upbeat and cheerful the way Brett needed me to be.
The moment I thought about Brett, my stomach clenched again. I hadn’t spoken to him since we had fought. He had come to win me over with a grand gesture, but I had pushed him away. I hadn’t had what it took to play along, not when I knew I was potentially going to ruin his life. Again.
My cell phone rang, interrupting my dark thoughts. When I answered, it was the doctor’s office.
“How are you feeling today?” Dr. Gordon asked.
“I feel awful,” I admitted. “Please tell me you have the results.”
“I do.” He took a deep breath as if he was bracing himself. “You definitely are pregnant.”
My stomach dropped, and I wondered if I was going to throw up again. How was this possible? How could something like this be happening to me? Brett and I had been safe every single time we had slept together. He had always insisted on using a condom. My mind jumped back to the first time in his office when the mess between my legs had been more than I had thought it should be. Could the condom have torn? I couldn’t think of any other way this could have happened.
“Thank you, Doctor,” I said.
“There is more,” Dr. Gordon said.
Oh my God. I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. “What is it?”
“Your HCG levels are very high for how far along you are.”
“Is that cause for concern?” I asked.
“Not necessarily, but I do want to check it out. Usually, it’s an indication of twins.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. How bad could my luck be?
“It’s always good to know about these things sooner rather than later,” Dr. Gordon carried on. “I would like you to come in for an ultrasound in three weeks’ time.”
I agreed, and after I finished the conversation with Dr. Gordon, he put me through to his secretary so I could schedule the ultrasound with her. When I hung up the phone, I couldn’t believe what was happening. Four days ago I had taken a pregnancy test, something I had never thought I would do in the near future. Now, I was scheduling ultrasounds. It was all happening too fast.
The more I thought about it, the more upset I became. It felt like the punches just kept on rolling. It was one thing after the other. I had stayed over at Brett’s place when I hadn’t intended to. Someone had photographed me leaving the building, bribing the front desk to reveal who I had been visiting, and then it had been plastered all over the news. Reporters and journalists had bombarded me, and I’d had to put on an innocent act for days. Not to mention, judging by how things stood between me and Brett right now, I wasn’t sure if we would ever be on good terms again. And now this. Pregnant. It was as if everything just became worse and worse. I covered my face with my hands and cried. What was I going to do? How was I going to handle this? I felt like I was in this alone.
