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My throat was so choked with emotion that I found it hard to speak. “I feel so violated,” I finally said, though my agitation only seemed to feed his anger.
“Damn it, Alex! I can’t do anything else for you unless you accept what you want, and quit fleeing from the very things that turn you on the most.”
“If you care about me, truly care…”
“I DO care about you, dammit,” he stopped me cold, then calmed himself. “I told you, I called a friend, just as you might have called one. I did nothing to violate you in any way. He doesn’t know you and you never need to meet him. That’s your choice.” His exasperation with me was obvious. “But you know, a possible solution has been suggested, and that is the real problem, isn’t it?” His eyes gleamed as if a light had dawned in him. “You’re angry because you really do want to go. I’ve babied you and coddled you, waited for you to open yourself and accept, but you won’t. You know as well as I do that to get beyond this damned block you have, this misery you’re wallowing in, you need someone who won’t listen to your BS! This pitiful victim routine. You’re a powerful woman and you walk through life like a scared puppy, whining. I’m offering you the best opportunity I know. You can refuse, but you’ll regret it.” His words hit me hard. But I sensed he was right.
“Why can’t we, you and I, try one more time?”
“We won’t try again, because I refuse to. I love you too much, my heart gets in the way…you need a firmer hand than I can offer.”
I sat silent and stunned.
Something in the word love seemed to knock the anger from me. He was doing this because he cared for me, and I finally saw that. “You really want me to go?” I asked softly.
“Yes, I do. Or at least consider it. It won’t be easy giving you to another man, but we can’t go on like this. I don’t think our relationship can last if something doesn’t change.”
I couldn’t think of what to say. To lose Will would have been the worst thing possible.
I finally gave in. “And you trust him?”
“I do.”
“So how long…?”
“I don’t know. Several weeks, a couple months.”
“And my job?”
“You have to decide what’s most important.”
I already knew that answer, although the whole idea still seemed crazy.
“What will he do to me?”
“That’s up to him – and you. He can’t do anything without your consent. But once you give your consent, I know he’ll expect your absolute obedience.”
My fantasies flashed through my mind… “I suppose it might involve a certain amount of pain?” I could barely say the word.
“Perhaps.”
“Will you be there?” I asked.
“Maybe. But you probably won’t want me there most of the time.”
“You really believe that this will cure me?”
“You don’t need to be cured. It’s about acceptance. But you have to decide this for yourself. Reggie will respect you, but he will not love you. He’ll help you grow up. He’ll take you where you need to go – without emotion. He’s insightful and sensitive. Although as sensitive as you are, you’ll probably find him cruel at times. But that is all for your benefit.”
I recognized that a Reggie was, in fact, what I needed. Hadn’t I spent hours in my dreaming of such a master? Once again, my private thoughts were finding their way into my reality.
“It’s your choice,” he said gently.
“I need some time – to think.”
We both knew that the decision had been made as soon as Will presented me with the solution, but he was kind and gentle, my savior from the stairwell once again. “Take all the time you need.”
He held my hands. We stared at each other for several moments, and then he left me sitting alone on the pale blue chair. The door closed quietly behind him.
