Page 43

And this brings her ever-running mind back to her high school biology class when there was an overly prudish student in her class who kept complaining to their parents, prompting the teacher to use the image of a cave to symbolize a cunt instead of the standard diagram.

And a certain no-filter kid even asked why said cave looked so loose.

Reproductive system class is sure a dick, no pun intended.

Back to the cave, the actual one.

Lily-girl, now an adventure girl, points at the pathetic little cave. “So how’re we gonna open it, Every? With lube?”

Her man blinks his blue-brown eyes, unaware of her wild imaginations. “Huh, no, with my shoulders, of course. As a CEO, I’m born naturally blessed with extra-wide shoulders.”

He then shoulders the boulder. The stone creaks, pushing against his Dries Van Noten suit, newest of the season. Like the main love interest billionaire CEO he is, Every, every trope in one man, conquers the troubles of life once again, saving his beloved pixie girl love interest from having to lift even a single finger.

Damn.

How romantic.

At once, a whole horde of little bats fly out, flapping their little wings and squeaking like hamsters. Honestly, they sure do look like hamsters, that is, if they ever gain the ability to fly and turn their fur black.

Who knew there are bats even on fucking Pluto.

Every lets out a very unmanly squeak along with the non-hamsters, stunned. He hates bats, and seeing them swings the lever of his anxiety level scale right to the maximum range. Then a spider follows the bats out, swinging on its four nanometer-wide web. The shock nearly gives him a testicular torsion.

Now cue in the ambulances and blaring sirens.

And the silicone replacements.

“Hush, don’t be dramatic,” his girl coos as he staggers back, the great fear of nocturnal creatures impelling his chest muscles to involuntarily bunch like a pumped-up bodybuilder after five sets of bench presses.

“Lily, love, the fucking flying mice. Did you see them?” the man exclaims.

“I saw ’em with my three eyes.”

Every the Tall leans in to check her aesthetically pleasing face, just in case. “You only have two eyes, Lily.”

“Yeah, duh. Now that the cave is open, we should go in, yeah?”

So in they go, into the cave that reminds Lily of a gaping cunt she once saw online on the university’s shared library computer as an unsupervised student using the internet wrongly. It was a whole year ago, but damn, that picture sure is ingrained in her little brain, taking up to half the space of the one sole brain cell she still has left at this moment. And she’s pretty sure it made its way into her long-term memory too, stuck in there as a core memory, somehow.

The interior, unlike the bleak grey exterior, is actually nice, with hints of rare earth ores stuck between the sedimentary layers of the walls. It is warmer than the outside to such a degree that Lily gets a suspicion it might actually be heated, somehow. Not that she would complain about it, though.

“Slow down, girly,” Every says from being her wander form, then rushes ahead of her. “We’ve gotta check for bears too, ya know. My great-great-grandfather imported them here on a vacation, and they sure have multiplied ever since. A real nuisance, really.”

Lily-girl pouts disbelievingly. “But aren't you a bear yourself, my man?”

“Yeah, but that’s different. I’m a civilized bear.”

“And I’m a purple flamingo.”

“Well, guess what? There ain’t a single bear here. Although I can always transform into one if you ever feel like it, sugartits. Every at your service.”

The main character just snickers. “You sound like an advertisement from the nineties. And to answer your question, no, but thanks for the unnecessary offer.”



For a couple of hours after that, the young lovers sit their asses on the cave’s rocky floor in silence, as if deep in meditation, though they are simply out of topics to bicker about and are now in an awkward position. Then a topic of possible interest crosses Every’s pea-sized brain. “Yo, Lils. Are you feeling cold? Chilled to the bone? Perhaps freezing the fuck out? I can start a fire for you.”

Is that still Every the CEO?