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The first time, at least. All the other times… I didn’t have much of an excuse.
Nev opened his eyes and looked around, then pointed a finger at me. “This is not the place for this conversation, Rafe Hare. You made me forget my bananas!”
Despite how embarrassed I was, I snorted with laughter. “Sorry.”
“I love you, and I’m so glad you’ve figured the liking-dudes thing out about yourself, but you need to tell me every single detail of your peeping Tom deal, so we’re going to finish shopping and get in the car.” He marched off back toward the produce aisle.
“I’m not a peeping Tom!” I called after him in frustration, then cringed and ducked my head when the same orc from before looked over while selecting a chicken and tutted at me. “I’m not,” I told him, the defensiveness in my tone bordering on aggression.
He just raised a judgemental brow and turned away.
“You can peep on my Tom any day of the week, baby.” A wiry guy with a billy goat beard, who I was pretty sure was really a faun, was casting me a lascivious look as he loaded a weird amount of duck legs into his shopping cart.
I took an immediate step back, then another, my throat closing up with embarrassment before I finally managed to stammer, “I—That… that doesn’t even make sense.”
“You can make my sense make sense any day of the week, baby,” he growled, waggling his eyebrows, so I turned and powerwalked away as quickly as possible, grabbing Neville’s arm the moment I reached him. Nev was way taller than me. He could protect me from the billy goat creep.
“I’ve changed my mind,” he declared immediately. “I don’t want to wait ’til we’re in the car. I have my bananas now, so I’ve calmed down. Who was it? Who did you see jerking off?”
A nearby incubus picking up a punnet of strawberries looked up and stared at us. I groaned in despair, scrubbing a hand over my face. Why did my best friend have so little of a filter? And such a loud fucking voice?
“Who do you think?” I muttered, not wanting to say it out loud. His name. Ugh.
Neville stared at me, nonplussed. “I mean, I don’t think.”
I snorted. “That’s about right.”
He snickered and shoved my arm. “Bitch. I mean I have no idea. How would I know?”
I huffed and tipped my head back in exasperation. “Come on, Nev. You can make an educated guess. It’s not like I go anywhere.”
Logically, there was really only one person I could’ve accidentally seen masturbating in his own house.
His brow creased. “Why won’t you just tell me? What do you…”
When he trailed off, understanding slowly beginning to dawn in his eyes, I squirmed and took a few steps away to pretend to be really interested in the oranges.
“Big Dick Dan?” he practically shouted, and I cringed so hard I almost pulled a muscle in my neck.
“Dude,” I hissed, looking around. “Volume.”
“Tell. Me. Everything, Rafe Hare.” Neville pointed that accusing finger at me again. “You saw Big Dick Dan jerking off and I’m only hearing about it now?”
“Well, it was actually more like… I saw him, uh…” I lowered my voice and glanced around again. “Sucking his own dick. You know, with the severed head and all…”
Neville staggered back dramatically, like he was actually about to faint, into the display of melons, sending several tumbling onto the floor.
“Oh my god. I only came with you to buy bananas.” He pressed a palm to his forehead. “I wasn’t prepared for this.”
“You’re right, I shouldn’t have brought it up here.” My face burning, I hurriedly knelt to collect the fallen melons and shoved them back onto the display, then grabbed Neville’s arm to drag him away. Mainly because I could see billy goat creep bopping his way toward us. “Let’s just finish shopping or I’ll end up being late for work.”
“But now I want to know!” Nev protested. “I want to know everything. You just told me you saw your ridiculously hot cowboy wrestler neighbour sucking his own dick, and now you expect me to keep grocery shopping?”
“You saw what?” a passing banshee asked in fascination.
“Neville, oh my god.” I grabbed his arm yet again. As I dragged him away, I hissed, “I promise I’ll tell you everything, okay? Start to finish. If you promise to stop fucking shouting about it in the grocery store.”
“I’m sorry.” Nev pressed a hand to his flushed cheek. “I’m just excited, okay? This is a lot to take in. Although honestly, in a way, I’m not super surprised.”
