Page 68

Cody is curled into my side, his white hair a sweaty mess against my pillow. He looks younger like this, his light lashes fanning his cheeks, his pierced brow relaxed. The boy who was never allowed to simply be.

“Stop staring at me,” he slurs into the pillow, not moving any other part of his body. “I’m not dying today.” I shake my head at his attempt to joke, closing and setting my laptop aside. Once I sit back against the headboard, Cody’s head works its way onto my thigh. My fingers slip into his hair, slowly working through the strands, careful not to tug when they catch. His eyes open a little more, hazy but aware enough to peer up at me. “Today wasn’t my finest decision.”

“No.” I tilt my head forward for my own hair to fall over my eyes. “It was reckless and stupid, even by your standards.” His mouth twitches, but his humor dies when my expression doesn’t soften. “I’m serious, Cody. You don’t get to do that. I know I’ve been terrible to you, and you deserve so much better, but you can’t swallow whatever someone hands you and hope for the best. Do you understand me?”

Something flickers across his face, a mixture of defiance and shame before he turns his gaze away from me. I let him, keeping his head on my lap by my fingers stroking his hair. Despite everything, I do love it when we get to be like this. Together, alone, quiet, simple. I just wish we didn’t have to go to such extremes to make the time.

“You’re wrong,” Cody breathes, his hand wrapping around my shin. His strength surprises me, but I don’t know if he’s trying to ground himself or worried I’ll move away. “I don’t deserve better.”

“I promise you, you do. If I were the boyfriend I set out to be, you’d never doubt that.” Tipping my head back, I close my eyes. All day, I’ve been angry with him because anger is easier than digging deeper. It’s easier than admitting I’m scared, and then delving into all of the reasons why. Shifting my hand to Cody’s jaw, I tilt him to look up at me as I open my eyes again. “You’re worth so much more than I can give, Cody. I’m trying to give you the love you deserve, although it doesn’t look like it. I’m stretched in so many directions, some of my own making, and I’m so fucking tired of wearing this mask. I wish things were different, especially now.”

My eyes drift to the opposite wall, the dread in my chest that I’ve been trying to ignore returning like it’s made of stone. All week, I’ve been insisting Meg act normal. To not let anyone catch on to what we did, but that’s a ruse. I need Meg to act normal so that I can pretend it didn’t happen. So my life doesn’t have to have another layer of deceit, especially from Cody. Keeping such a huge secret from him is destroying me, causing me to push him away instead of dragging him closer.

As if he’s reading my mind, Cody shifts to pull himself up beside me. He’s still damp and clammy, and I don’t care. Throwing his arms around my shoulders, he holds me tight, his limbs trembling slightly. I figure the drug is still working its way out of his system, but after a few minutes, water pools in my collarbone, and I frown.

“Cody?” I pull him a few inches back. “What’s wrong?” For a second, he doesn’t answer. He just stares at me with those storm-gray eyes too wide in his pale face, tears clinging to his lashes. Cody doesn’t cry. Even at the lowest points he’s shared with me, he doesn’t cry. He bottles his grief up, suppresses it, smokes it away, whatever it takes. But now, his mouth trembles, and his entire face crumbles. His head drops forward, forehead landing on my shoulder as a broken sound tears out of him, and my arms automatically close around him.

“Fuck, Code. What is it? What happened?” I gasp, my heart trying to claw its way out of my chest to get closer to him. Cupping the back of his head, dread begins to spread cold through my veins.

“I did something,” he chokes out, struggling against small gasps of air. Every muscle in my body goes still. Cody tries to pull back, but I don’t let him move an inch. He’s shaking too hard, fingers digging into my shoulders, breath coming in uneven, panicked bursts that make my own lungs feel too tight. Wet, fat tears slide over my skin, and I hate myself for the first thought that comes to me. Not worry, not comfort, but a selfish fear that whatever he’s about to confess is something I should have already known. Something I missed because I was too focused on Meg, my father, the team, and the narrative that’s constantly tightening around us.

“What did you do?” I ask carefully. To further my confusion, Cody’s cry turns into a harsh, vicious laugh, and this time, I do let him tear himself away from me. Folding into himself, Cody slams his back against the headboard, cradling his own knees.

I shift with him, keeping one arm around his back as he presses both hands over his face. His knuckles are still smudged faintly with paint, his body still weak from the poison he swallowed just to get through a day. Whatever he did, he’s already punishing himself for it. I can see that much. I can see it in the way he can barely look at me, in the way his shoulders hunch like he expects a physical blow instead of comfort. My heart splits open in a place that already had too many fractures.

“I…I kidnapped Laura. Or, I hid her, is probably more accurate.” He’s mumbling into his hands, but I heard him clearly enough. For a moment, I don’t understand. Or at least, I’m actively trying not to because whatever he’s insinuating means Meg and I sought out Harrison for nothing. We…killed a man. The room tilts, and Cody mistakes the loosening of my grip on his shoulders as disgust. Scrubbing both hands down his face, dragging tears across his cheeks, he flies into the confession he’s been waiting to gift me.

“I mean, I paid her. She was an easy target, and I thought no one would care if she disappeared. No rich parents storming the gates, no real friends to notice the difference her absence would make. I made it look like she’d been taken from the party, and I let everyone think it might be Harrison because I thought it would make Meg spiral. I wanted her to leave. I wanted her scared enough to go back to rehab, or home, or anywhere that wasn’t here. I wanted…you back to myself.”

The silence that slices through the room prepares to make my ears bleed. My mind tries to reject it, to scatter the pieces of truth he’s offered before they can make one whole picture. I fail miserably. He paid her. He chose her. He planned this, my own secret boyfriend. While I was trying to build a future in which I envision Meg being able to love and accept us both, he unknowingly shoved her under a spotlight and sent us chasing ghosts. I pull my hand away from his back fully.

“Cody,” I breathe uneasily. “The party was weeks ago. You’ve had weeks to tell me this.”

“I know.” His eyes squeeze shut, his shoulders sinking in defeat. I stand before I can stop myself, suddenly finding the bed too small for me, him, and his confession. Pain sparks between my ribs as I pace to the end of the mattress, my vision blurring at the edges.

Cody watches me with tears still falling, his face bare in a way he never allows. I want to be furious. I am furious. I want to grab him by the shoulders and demand to know how jealousy could twist itself into something so cruel. How he could look at Meg, really look at her, and decide she needed another monster in her story. But underneath the fury, I know I’m not innocent in this. In fact, I’m the root cause. I drove him to this.

Leaning on the end of the bed, I manage to force my voice through the vice around my throat.

“Was Laura ever in danger?”

“No,” he shakes his head violently. “No, she had fake documents, money, and somewhere to go. I…I controlled the narrative, Ev.” His face crumples again and I receive a suckerpunch in the gut. Jesus Christ, he sounds like me, like my father. This is what we’ve been trained to do. Remove problems and not spare a shred of empathy on them. Well, look where that’s gotten Cody. Broken, relapsing, and passing out in my bedroom. My jaw works as my head hangs low, and I make my way back to his side.

His hand is tentative to reach for mine and I’m quick to smack it away, dragging him into my arms instead. Holding his head against my chest, I let Cody cry again, forcing myself to endure every ounce of his pain and suffering. He should never have been made to bear this burden alone. He should have never doubted my love for him.

“You should hate me,” he whispers eventually, once his tears have dried and his breathing has returned to somewhat normal. If there’s anyone in the house, they’ve had the good sense to ignore what they’ve heard or leave. Hopefully the latter. I’m done sharing my house with people I don’t care about. I’m done with keeping up appearances. Cody should have been here with me the entire time.

“I could never hate you,” I reply evenly. Cody’s eyes flick up towards my face, the depths of hope and despair locked in them slicing straight through me. Despite my vow, his fingers lock around mine with desperate force.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Everest. I didn’t know how to stop needing you. I didn’t know how to stop hating her. I still don’t know⁠—”

“Shh,” I tilt his head back and press my lips to his cheek. First one, then the other, tasting his salty tears beneath my trembling lips, taking ownership of them.

Here it is. The truth beneath the sins. Our love that doesn’t know bounds, good or bad. I can’t be angry with Cody, because I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same in his position. And because I betrayed him first. I allowed myself to fall for Meg, even though I knew how much it would hurt him. My greed caused this, but at least now I know everything, I can deal with it. I can start to repair the damage we’ve both caused, once I’ve made a confession of my own.

“Cody,” I breathe against his temple, my fingers threading through his hair. “I need to tell you something too.”

“I already know you fucked her again,” he replies instantly. My eyes briefly close. If only that was all, but I’m done hiding anything from him.