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The door has barely swung closed behind her before I’m exiting too, my bag clutched in one hand and my phone in the other. Sending Everest a message to meet me, NOW, I make a beeline to his house without giving a fuck who sees me.
Wow, I should have started taking these pills years ago. Taking the long route to only walk across campus, my strides are leisurely and unhurried, my hood down for the wind to sift through my white hair. This is possibly the freest I’ve ever felt. No more hiding or lurking, no more secrets or games.
My sneakers hit the stone path leading directly towards the front door, and I stop to inhale deeply. I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell Everest everything because fuck me, I can’t take the loneliness anymore. The complete isolation of having a secret that will destroy every shred of love Everest has for me, but withholding it is destroying me anyway. At least once Everest casts me aside, I can start to rebuild, possibly make amends from a distance. I don’t know, the drugs are talking.
Within minutes, a car screeches to a stop on the sidewalk, a red Lexus pulling up behind me. I turn to see Everest climb out, his green eyes wide and golden hair glinting in the sun as he strides straight up to me. Stupidly, my arms open, anticipating some jolly reunion, but instead, he grips me by the collar and drags me the rest of the way into the house. I stumble, trying to keep up with his long strides in baggy shorts. His T-shirt is stark white, popped at the collar, and he smells incredible. Fuck, I forgot how good he smells. Whipping me into the entrance lobby, Everest spares a glance around the house before getting in my face.
“What the hell are you doing here?!” he shouts, panic lacing through his irritation. I spare a glance towards the porch, realizing how long I was just standing there out in the open. Grunting, I shove Everest’s hand off my hoodie.
“Back the fuck off, Ev. I didn’t come here for a fight.”
“Me, back the fuck off? You pulled me out of class for no good fucking reason. You know we can’t be seen together. Are you trying to ruin everything, or does it just come naturally?” His eyes are blazing now, darting to the doorway and back. I know what he’s worried about, someone happening to walk past and catch sight of us through the strips of glass either side of the front door.
So what? Big deal. I’m twenty-one-fucking-years-old. I’m going to stand on my boyfriend’s doorstep. I’m going to tell the whole world who he belongs to. That’s what I should have been doing all along, refusing to let Nicholas dictate who we are and what we can be. Everest doesn’t seem to agree. Grabbing my hoodie again, he drives me back into the wall, my movements sluggish and delayed.
“Don’t worry about any of that,” I wave a hand towards the real world. “I just needed to see you.”
Everest’s expression hardens, but not in the usual way. The initial anger gives way to concern, his gaze dragging over my face with careful precision now. This is the man who knows every version of me, and all too soon, he’s caught onto the unfocused glaze of my eyes, the sluggish sweep of my hand as it drops back to my side, the way I sway once he takes a step back. Cursing beneath his breath, he runs a hand through his neatly styled hair.
“You’re high,” he huffs, jaw clenching. I stifle a laugh, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip as I reach for him. Everest isn’t playing my game, slapping my hands away. I persist anyway, taking a step closer and tilting my head as if to press my mouth over his. Slamming his open palm against my chest, he shoves me towards the door.
“Get out of here,” Everest growls, shoving me onto the front porch and slamming the front door closed in my face. I open and close my mouth, the sluggishness of my brain unable to grasp the anger that would usually coat my vision. All that I can think is, yeah, I deserved that too. Turning up in the middle of the day, high as fuck, probably isn’t my finest moment, but I still don’t leave. Not in the way Everest hopes.
Instead, I stumble down the steps, follow the curve around the house with one hand dragging along the brick to keep myself upright, and let myself in through the side entrance. Everest may not want me here, but heading back to curl up in my bedroom for one more moment sounds like hell. I’ve spent too long in there, sinking into a dark place that I’m worried one day I won’t be able to climb out of.
The utility room is cold, deeply smelling of detergent as I press my back to the washing machine. I’ve been here hundreds of times over the years, hiding like a desperate stalker who can’t stay away. This time, I had some vague, noble intention of waiting out the worst of the high I’m riding so that I can confront Everest again, in a better headspace this time. Except, above me, the house isn’t silent.
A low thud sounds against the ceiling, followed by Everest’s voice, rough in a way I know too well. A second later, Meg replies, and my lungs stop working. Shaking my head, I try to convince myself that I’m imagining again. That the drugs have distorted another sound, but then a muffled gasp slips through the floorboards. Surely not.
Slipping out of the utility room, I creep through the house, my footsteps silent on the stairs. I follow the sounds to the games room, then duck into Everest’s bedroom next door. Through the connecting wall, his name is uttered in a voice that doesn’t belong to me, breathy moans filling the air. My first instinct is that Everest knew she was here all along, and wanted to get rid of me as quickly as possible. Then I remember, I called him here.
Sinking onto the floor, I press my back against his wall, and listen. Even in my hazy state, I know it’s wrong to stay. That the decent, sane thing to do would be to leave, but staying is oddly comforting. Even though I’m still an outsider, it’s as if I’m not completely detached from Everest’s world anymore. I’m not alone, stuck in the dark. I’m not involved either, but I don’t deserve to be. In their time away, Everest and Meg have clearly bonded, their relationship taking on a new form.
Curling my knees up to my chest, I force myself to listen to every sound I was never supposed to hear. Them chasing the same high that I’ve taken in pill form, Meg falling apart, and Everest’s love for her seeping through every growled order and harsh thrust. At some point, my eyelids lower, my body slumps against the dresser, and I fall asleep to those sounds, to the knowledge that at least Everest has finally got what he wanted.
Chapter Thirty Three
“Cody?” I frown, my brain struggling to make sense of the sight before me. My bedroom door swings closed behind me, spurring me into action. Hastily tugging up the waistband of my shorts, I drop to the floor beside him, taking the brunt of the hit against my shins. Touching two fingers to his throat, I find his pulse beating unevenly and rapidly. His skin is clammy beneath my hand, his lips slightly parted and breathing shallow.
“What the fuck did you do, Cody?” I whisper, my voice breaking halfway through the question. He doesn’t answer, not even as I shake his slumped body. His shoulder is pressed awkwardly against the wood, white hair falling over his face, knees loosely drawn toward his chest as if he curled into himself into a ball before deciding to take a nap. Except he’s not napping, because he’s not responding. In the distance, I hear Meg leave, giving me one less person to deal with right now. Cody needs my full attention, as he has for a long time, and I’ve been too distracted, too damn selfish to give it to him.
Uncurling the limp hand from his stomach, I wind his arm around my neck, preparing to lift when my gaze glides up to the wall. The connecting wall to where I was just intimate with Meg. My head drops forward, pressing my forehead against Cody’s sweat-pebbled one. Right, one problem at a time. I know Cody does drugs from time to time, battling demons he refuses to talk about, not even with me. He doesn’t like me to worry, and he’s doing a really shit job at it. As am I, at protecting him the way I promised to.
“How has it come to this?” I ask out loud, sighing over his face. Beneath me, Cody stirs, and my head shoots up. “Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you,” I rush to say, running my hand over his back. What I should be saying is, I’m so fucking sorry I sent you away, but I’ll save that for when he’s fully conscious.
“Everest?” Cody rasps, his eyes opening to reveal slits of unfocused gray, his pupils far too wide. Blinking, he winces against the sunlight, his body slumping into mine harder. “Floor’s…moving.”
“The floor’s not moving,” I reply, heaving his weight up into my arms. It takes some more convincing to get off my knees, but I manage to roll Cody into the bed and then move to draw the curtains. “Do you know what you’ve taken?” I ask, trying to keep the judgement out of my tone. Cody groans, rolling into my pillow.
“It was blue.” I’m about to chastise him when his body suddenly lurches, and the panicked look in his face tells me there’s no time. Grabbing the wastebasket near my desk and getting it beneath him just in time, he retches hard enough to make his entire body shake, one hand clawing weakly at my wrist. I kneel there with him through it, holding his hair back, one palm braced between his shoulder blades, fury and fear tangling so tightly in my chest, I can’t tell one from the other.
How has it come to this, indeed. Although I already know the answer. It’s me who’s brought us here. Me who has routinely fucked up whilst promising Cody I can be and do better. He spoils me with his devotion, because I know he’ll always be there. No matter what I do. He might hate me, might stay away from me, but he’ll never stop loving me, even when it becomes a detriment to himself.
Sighing, I wait until Cody slumps back before helping to strip off his hoodie and tug the blanket over him. His breathing remains uneven, and he’s deathly pale, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. As Cody drifts in and out, I press a cool cloth to his face and chest, tucking the blanket in when he starts to shiver. We spend most of the day like that, none of our other responsibilities taking precedence.
By midday, he throws up again. By late afternoon, he manages half a glass of water, and by evening, he’s settled enough for me to sit on the mattress beside him, catching up on some coursework I missed whilst I was chasing ghosts with Meg. I’m dreading having that conversation with Cody, but it’s coming quick and fast.
As soon as my laptop loads, messages start pinging into my inbox. Most from my father’s assistant, a few from the team, and even one from Thiago. Something about a knitting club at my place on Thursday nights, which I’m going to pretend he didn’t even suggest. Typing out short replies to the rest, I switch tabs and try to focus on a business assignment I was meant to complete two weeks ago. I manage to get most of it done, as shit as it is, before distraction seeps back in.
