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Nate parks, and we sit in silence, as my thoughts scream at me to run, hide, and never resurface.
He doesn’t push me to get out of the truck or to go home. Instead, he sits with me and somehow understands that I don’t need him to sway me to either decision. I just need him here with me, like he promised to always be.
Movement catches my eye, and my body immediately locks up, frozen and immobile.
Then I’m fumbling for the door handle, pushing myself out and stumbling through the gate, not bothering to look around me with my focus locked onto one thing.
“D…Daisy,” I croak through a sob, falling heavily to my knees, unbothered about the gravel sharply digging through my jeans. My tear-streaked face drops into her fur when she steps onto my lap and nuzzles against me. Her loud purrs drown out my cries.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sorry I let you down,” I confess, my heart crumbling through the guilt I can’t seem to shake.
Regardless of what others say, I know in the dark parts of my mind that it was my fault he took me. Because he didn’t decide to take anyone else, he chose me, and I should’ve done better. I trusted the wrong person too easily, and…
“Rosy…”
I pull back from Daisy’s long hair, brushing my face with a sweatshirt sleeve.
“Oh, Ro. Come here.” Anita stands above me, face creased with worry. Her arms are spread, waiting for me to fall into them. And I do. She somehow manages to hold us both, as I collapse into her embrace.
I brace for the crawling itch beneath my skin this time, even though it no longer makes sense. The doctor, I could somewhat understand—she was a complete stranger—but now Steph and Anita? It just reaffirms that I’m broken.
“I’m so glad to see you.” She strokes the back of my head. This sweet woman who gave me a place to breathe, to add value to the animals’ lives, and most of all, became a friend to me too.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” I blubber, unable to hold in the guilt.
“Hush. Don’t be silly. I don’t want to hear any sort of apologies from you. I’m just so grateful they found you,” Anita declares, pulling back and stroking my cheek. “That nice boy, Noah, kept me updated. I wasn’t sure if you’d want an old lady coming to visit after everything you’ve been through, so I appreciate him keeping me in the loop.”
“Don’t say that. You’re not old, and I love your company,” I scold, although in my tear-stained state, I’m not sure it can make much of an impact. “But I’m here, and I want to help.”
I brace, waiting for her to turn me away and tell me to go home.
“Sure thing, duck. You know you’re always welcome here.” She loops her arm through mine, tugging me along. “Who’s the big one?” She nods behind us.
“Nate.” I smile, glancing to see him scowling at his phone. “He’s my…neigh—”
“Boyfriend,” he interrupts, cutting me off.
The sound of tyres coming up to the farm gate has me dropping Anita’s arm and spinning, heart pounding heavily in my chest.
“Logan sent someone to keep watch.” Nate steps in, blocking my view as he tilts up my chin. “You’re okay.”
“I’m…okay.” I exhale, trying to release the tension holding me hostage.
“You say when, and we’re home. Until then, we’re here as long as you want to be.”
I nod, uncomfortable that I’m causing so much upheaval in everyone’s lives.
“Come on. They’ve all missed you. I’m sure we can put the big one to some use.” She gestures to Nate. “He’s all right, that one. Not as charming as the other one. But he’ll do.”
The back of my neck prickles again, but I ignore it. It’s been happening since I arrived, but nothing bad has happened. Everything in me is still screaming to go home, to hide.
I’ve lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember, and I’m sure that’s what this is…just an elevated version.
Nate returns, pushing the wheelbarrow back into the cow’s shelter, and stops in front of me. I’m familiar enough with the noise that it doesn’t make me jump this time. When I’d initially gone to empty it, he’d taken the handles and refused to let me push the heavy barrow to the muck heap. When he’d returned with it empty, his sudden reappearance had made me jump, throwing me straight into a panic attack.
Apparently, that had him freaking out enough to call Noah to help get my breathing back to normal. Not that I could physically see Nate in a panic—externally, he looks the same. Yet I could almost feel his mind bellowing at his inability to help me.
Either way, it was an embarrassing moment that I’m refusing to acknowledge happened.
