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“Please believe in us enough to wait until I sort through.”
“That’s the point. I did believe enough. You didn’t.” His breath catches as he scrubs the stubble on his face. I’ve composed myself. At least for the moment. “You have to leave me for real. Leave me to heal. Please give me a clean break. Leave me in pieces so I can finally pick them up. Please go. Please don’t say pretty things and make me believe I’m more than just a side piece. I’m the affair to your work. And you have to stop promising you’ll leave your ‘wife’ someday.”
It cuts him to the quick. I chose my words carefully.
“I love you,” he says.
There’s a sharp pain in my stomach. I search for a response that gets him out of here without seeing me crumble.
“Always,” I say, and he holds his hand over his heart at my words. I turn my voice cold, “Think about what that means to you, and then maybe you can truly do that for someone someday.” He takes my hand, and it almost breaks me.
“Look, Tess. My Tess.”
I say to him, “I love you, Alex, but I’m not your Tess anymore. As much as I want to abandon everything for you, unless we do it together, it won’t work. It’s a fundamental problem that has no current solution.” The pain on his face is too much to take. He picks up his suit jacket and puts his wallet back in his back right pocket.
I force a grin and say, “Don’t forget to pick up our baggage on the way out.”
He laughs at me. I’m serious. It’s what stands between us. I stand up, shocked to find stability in my legs. “But I love you too. Always.”
He crosses to me quickly and pulls me to him. Then kisses me on the forehead. I squeeze his hand, and he walks away.
The moment the door is closed, I fall to the floor crying. Here’s the breakup cry I pretended already happened. I’d held on to that tiny slice of hope we’d figure out how to have a relationship like Alan and Alana or Ari and Mikey or Joan and Daryll. I sob for our demise and mourn for the future and the absence of a man who could possibly understand my madness. No one ever will, but Alex.
XI
Structured Leave
75
Tess
One Week Later
MIKEY: You both fucked up the plan. Where are you? Answer me. Joanie says you’re on the floor. Get up.
TESS: Can’t.
MIKEY: Try harder.
MIKEY: Tess. You there?
MIKEY: Honey, call me. You’re scaring me.
MIKEY: Calling Joan now.
Three Weeks Later
MIKEY: Please meet Ari for dinner. I know he texted. 8 p.m. tonight at your favorite place.
TESS: Secret shame or fancy place?
MIKEY: Secret shame.
TESS: Liar. There’s no way Ari is going to Panera.
MIKEY: He’ll be at the one near Bryant Park. I hear they make their own bread.
TESS: Ok. Still mad at you.
