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“Harder.” I ram into her, and we both get down to moving our hips in a heavenly rhythm.

“Come with me, Tess, I can’t last. This feels too good. Come.” I push down on her clit, and she obeys my command. I feel her contract around my cock, and I come with her. We finish together—another thing I don’t want to overthink.

“Oh, my fucking God, Alex! How does this get better each time?” I shrug and pull out. I grab her a towel and sit on the edge of the bed staring at how lovely she looks just after we have sex.

“I can’t help but love you. It’s like it’s a part of me.” I lie down on the bed next to her, letting my hand wander up and down her torso.

“I guess we’re stuck with that feeling. I love you too. It’s the place we’re in.” It hurts, but she’s right.

“You and I were completely transparent about everything. And then we were opaque, hiding our real feelings behind a smokescreen.”

“Your words.”

74

Tess

He sighs and pulls me closer. I break free and grab a t-shirt from my suitcase. He crosses his arms and smirks when I realize it’s his podcast merchandise t-shirt. Suddenly I see the other side of this pain even if he looks sexy as hell.

“And you don’t think we can figure this out.”

“I’ll be less flowery: emergency contacts. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but it turned out it was the moment I realized I’d let enough of me slip into dependence, and you hadn’t. Lying in the most vulnerable moment in my life and the one person I counted on wasn’t there.”

“To be fair, you were in a hospital bed before.”

I take in a large breath of air and try not to say things to hurt him. “My response isn’t going to be fair.”

“What?”

“My answer to what you just said.”

“I can take it, fire away.” He grabs his own shirt and begins buttoning after he puts on his boxer briefs.

“My mom flew to England on her last dime to help me get home. I repaid her, but at the moment, when I was out of it all, she rushed to me. I don’t want maternal love—I’m sure that’s a whole other thing I need to unpack—but I do want someone to rush to me because they have no choice. They do it without thinking or evaluating. They throw everything away to be at my side. There’s no finishing up an email, just an urgent need to be with me. Because they’re such a part of me that they hurt too, that they can’t bear I’m suffering for even a moment without them by my side.”

He’s quiet. His head is in his hands. I turn away from him so he can process. That’s a ton I just dumped all over us, and I’m still post-coital. I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to articulate it that well. I pull on yoga pants, and he zips his pants. He walks to the other room, and I hear him pouring drinks. I follow him. And I can already feel how sore I’m going to be tomorrow. “How did you fold me in?” He looks up with a puzzled look as if he’s honestly asking for instruction.

“It just happened. I realized even on the road. Even in a reading, I’d started keeping my phone on. Even while at my shore sanctuary doing my dead mom ritual, my phone was on.”

“I know that. You told me, and it’s the irony that fucks with my head. There were many times you didn’t answer me,” he says forcefully, and my intention isn’t to fight. It’s simply to explain.

“Absolutely, but because you were lonely, not hurt. I called you back immediately and flew to Boston after your dad’s accident. When the Vice deal fell through, I called you back from the middle of a reading to make sure you were ok. I left a publisher’s dinner to hear all about the HBO news.”

He sits on the couch with his shoulders sagging a bit. “True.”

“I’d drop everything if you needed me, and I hate it’s probably still true. I’d resent the interruption the way I’d expect you to, but I’d be there. I wasn’t engrained enough in your life to register a phone call to tell me you were gone for the day. Whether that’s your Charlotte shit or not, you should get past it for your future. Hell, you didn’t even call me to say you were with friends for drinks.”

“Not fair.” He goes into attack mode. I’m not sure I want to coax him out of it.

“True. In light of tonight, I see why. But none of this is fair. I’m complicit. I didn’t tell you it all mattered. I didn’t notice I’d shifted until it was too late to explain. I broke our deal. Then held you accountable for not catching up, despite Charlotte, you didn’t even try.” I can’t help but start to cry, and I need him to go.

He pulls me to him, and I cry on his chest as he speaks. I see the tears in his eyes. And I hear the desperation in his voice. I’m spent and raw from too many emotions and orgasms. “I’m so sorry. Give me some time, and I can figure it out. I can do it if you’re by my side. Tess. Be with me. I can’t leave you again, knowing I’ll never hear your laugh or smell your skin or taste you again. Tell me what to do.” I back away, and he tries to pull me back, but I put my hand up.

“You have to figure out for yourself where the line between genuine caring commitment and her cruel obsession is.”

“Will you wait for me to figure all this shit out?”

I rush my answer, “I can’t. That’s not fair of you to ask me.”