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The way I yelled at Delaney the night of the party played on an infinite loop, my heart continuously breaking when I remembered the way he looked that night. He looked broken. Like whatever pieces he had been holding together fell apart, the shards slicing him open. I was responsible for that, and I hated myself for it.

I stumbled to the kitchen, or tried to, when Jason stopped me. Taking hold of my arm, he guided me back to bed without a word. “You’re not going to say some therapisty bullshit?” I slurred.

Jason exhaled softly. “Do you want me to?”

Fully blaming the effects of the anesthesia, I began to pour my heart out to him, offering complete and total honesty about the situation and my feelings. I even told him about the dream. “I’m afraid I’ve already become the type of alpha I’ve always loathed.” Openly, I spoke about Delaney and just how much he’d come to mean to me in such a short amount of time. While I divulged information I spent months processing, some of which was already known, Jason sat quietly, listening.

When I fell silent, he took the opportunity to ask one question. “Have you considered the possibility this separation hurts as badly as it does because you’re in love with him?”

I blinked. My eyebrows pinched together, the corners of my mouth turning down. It was such a simple question, and I was struggling to figure out why I hadn’t considered that possibility yet. I replayed our past, as well as the time spent away from him, and how that made me feel.

After the party, I realized my reaction was, in part, due to my parents’ treatment of me and their attempt to force me into an arranged marriage. However, underneath it all was the fear that I wouldn’t be able to choose Delaney as my mate, the person I wanted to walk through life with. I knew then that I wanted to grow old with him, but I pushed it aside because of the uncertainty of my place in his life. After being asked not to call back by Tristin, I didn’t. I didn’t make a single attempt to reach out to him. Now, I’m realizing that I wasn’t doing so to be “respectful of his boundaries”, but because I was avoiding having to be truthful.

When I was a child, it made sense to hide the truth, especially after the physical and mental trauma I sustained. As an adult, I tried to be honest about who and what I was, but as soon as the truth was revealed, my partners would change how they treated me. They’d lose who they were in pursuit of showing me how they could be the perfect mate. Or they’d begin to ask for monetary favors, most often with a promise to pay me back. When they didn’t, and I was forced to set a boundary because of it, their true colors would shine through, and I’d see that they only wanted me for what I was able to provide. So, when I met Delaney, I wanted to build a solid foundation before sharing everything about myself. I needed to see if he genuinely liked me. Just… somewhere along the line I became terrified of opening up.

While I mulled over the question, Jason quietly folded laundry. The silence was broken by my admission.

“I am in love with him, Jace. And that—it’s equal parts terrifying and exhilarating. What if he switches up when he finds out I’m a dominant alpha? I wouldn’t be able to handle that.”

Jason hummed softly, allowing the confession to settle before he responded. “You’ve said he’s not that kind of person. So, why would that suddenly change?” I shrugged, unsure of how to answer. Jason set aside the laundry to sit on the edge of the bed beside me. “You’ve been hiding what you are for so long you’ve lost sight of who you actually are. I believe Delaney challenged your maladaptive beliefs and helped you, to some degree, begin to accept yourself. All of you. The parts you hate, the parts you’re ashamed of, and the parts you love. I think that’s what terrifies you. Just because your father and his father and his father before him were shitty, abusive alpha’s does not mean you will be. We are not our family tree. And we are definitely not our trauma.”

The temptation to crack a joke was strong, but I resisted, allowing the moment to remain what it was, what it needed to be. “What do I do now?” I questioned, my voice splintering little by little. “How do I fix this?” Heartbreak was a fragrance I’d never smelled before and when it hit me, when it filled the room, I nearly drowned in it. “I don’t know what to do to make it right.” When tears rolled down my cheeks, I didn’t hide them. I accepted the support I told Jonah I needed and cried on Jason’s shoulder.

Chapter Sixteen

The weeks bled into one month, that month slowly slipped into another, and before I realized it, three months had gone by. I knew I was being stubborn, to a point, but why should I have to be the one to apologize first? Why did I have to be the one to call first? I was always the one to give and give and get—

“Mr. Richardson?” The softness of the nurse's voice cut through my racing thoughts. “The doctor will see you now.”

I nodded, a sharp nervous motion, and crossed the threshold into the examination room. I sat on the table, crossing my legs at the ankles. The sterility of the room did not afford me distraction. My mind was foggy with thoughts I’d been trying to ignore, however, my brain declined my wishes and once again I found myself replaying the last night I saw Eli. Sadness sat heavily in my heart, an inexplicable longing and yearning serving to steal my breath before it left my lungs. I pressed the heel of my palm into my chest, inhaling shakily as I tried to control my emotions. I couldn’t stop the single tear that spilled from the corner of my eye, but luckily before the others fell, there was a knock on the door, and the doctor peeked his head in.

“Delaney. Nice to see you again. How are we—,” he paused, his nose crinkling. “Hmm, have you been going through something?”

I swiped away the tear. “How is that information pertinent?”

“Your scent output is quite strong, well not as strong as the—Ah, never mind.” The doctor shook his head as he put on latex gloves. “It’s been a couple of months on hormone boosters. How are we feeling?” He sat on the round stool in front of the examination table.

“Like nothing has changed.” I sighed heavily. “I’m emotional, but it’s situational. I’ve not been wearing scent blockers and yet no one can pick up on my scent unless I’m, apparently, significantly emotionally distressed.”

The doctor nodded as he rifled through my most recent lab results. “Unfortunately, this dosage is the highest that has ever been safely tested on an omega with your condition. I was hoping for positive results but—”

I held up my hand, cutting off the doctor mid-sentence. “I don’t need to hear anything else. Tell me what tapering is going to look like so I can go.”

“Well, you can stop taking the medicine immediately. The side effects are uncomfortable but few and not life threatening. You’ll experience something similar to a heat; emotions will be heightened, the pain will be significant, but there won’t be any of the… other… urges.” He scribbled on a prescription pad and tore off the sheet, handing it to me. “Pain killers.” He turned to the computer and quickly typed out a letter. “A note excusing your extended absence from work.”

I stared at the doctor, my eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. My voice held a note of incredulity. “Extended?”

“Yes. Since the hormones have been trying to aid your body in regulating, the absence will cause you to experience a lengthier ‘cycle’. Please, take the pain medication as prescribed, rest, and don’t make any important decisions during this time.” The doctor sighed softly, sadly, as he favored me with a small smile that fell short of reaching his kind eyes. “I’m really sorry this didn’t work for you. You would have made an amazing father.” He patted my knee as he rose. “If there are any of the complications listed on your aftercare paperwork, please come to the emergency room right away.”

The lump in my throat rendered me speechless. I fought back the impending onslaught of tears.

I was stupid to have hope.

I didn’t know how I made it out of the hospital and had no recollection of walking to the parking structure, but as I fumbled for my lighter and cigarette case, I had a strong sense of deja vu. I held my breath, waiting for a deep, pleasant voice to offer a lighter.

It never came.

“You’re actually taking time off from work?!” Tristin damn near screeched.