Page 25

"Yes. At the same bar. I swear the universe thinks I haven't suffered enough this year."

"He didn't follow you, did he?"

"No," I laughed, "He was there with his teammates. They won their game tonight and were out celebrating. He saw me with Hank and came over and introduced himself as if he owned the place. Hank turned into a fanboy. He talked to Marshall about skating speed and stats and I had to remind him we were on a date. Then I sent Marshall back to his teammates. After that Hank kept talking about hockey, pulled up clips from games to show me. I knew at that point the date was over, and I sat there watching Marshall sit across the bar from me, smirking. Like he'd come over on purpose to sabotage my date."

Mila was silent for a bit. "Lillah."

"Don't, Mila." I warned, knowing full well what she was going to say.

"No, listen. Maybe I was wrong setting you up with Hank. Maybe you should date the hockey player."

"Mila!"

"No, I'm serious. You can't stop talking about him. Every time we talk, he seems to come up in our conversation somehow."

"No, he doesn't."

"Yes, he does. Did you know your voice changes when you say his name? It gets tighter and higher-pitched, almost like you are holding back from telling me something."

"It does not." I said.

"You went on a date with a good looking financial advisor and say you had zero chemistry. You know what has chemistry?"

"Mila, don't say it." I warned.

"Whatever is happening between you and the guy who lives next door to you."

"Mila…" I said, pressing my forefinger and thumb against the bridge of my nose. "He's an athlete."

"Yes, I know. I was checking him out online. He's very hot."

"Again, he's an athlete, and you know how I feel about them."

"Lillah, Marshall isn't Brett."

I let out the breath I had been holding. "You don't know that. You don't know him. I don't know him. He could be exactly like Brett. Brett was charming first and controlling afterwards. He could be the same, and that charming smile could be the costume he takes off when no one is watching him."

Mila was quiet, and when she spoke, her voice was softer.

"Lillah, you are right. I don't know him. But what I know is that Brett never made you nervous. He made you careful. When someone is nervous, it means they care about what happens. When they are careful, it means they are managing a threat. Which one does Marshall make you feel?"

I went to speak but sat there with my feet on the cold stone, watching Cooper roam the yard.

"I will not answer that." I whispered. "I can't date another athlete. Not when I'm still…" I stopped for a moment and thought.

"Okay then don't. Don't date him. I won't set you up on any more blind dates either, unless I'm asked."

"Good, thank you."

"Now go pet your dog, have a glass of water, and get some rest."

"Night."

I hung up my phone and sat there enjoying the quiet. Once Cooper and I went inside, I locked the door, and we both headed upstairs. I climbed into bed after changing into my t-shirt and shorts, and Cooper settled against my legs.

I lay in the dark, thinking about my conversation with Mila. Nervous versus careful. I'd not considered that. Brett had never made me nervous, not even when we first started dating. More often than not, he'd made me watchful, alert, and hyper-vigilant. I was always scanning for danger, reading every shift in his mood.

Marshall made me nervous. My hands shook and my body hummed when he was near. The two feelings had the same physical symptoms, but weren't the same thing at all.