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“I apologized for the sex dream thing, that was shitty, I said it without thinking, but everything that happened the night before was real for me. It’s not a lack of attraction that’s holding me back. I kissed him because he’s… just everything—I was overwhelmed! If he wanted a casual thing like he has with Nathalie with me, I would be all over it…”

“He’s not going to screw over Hasan for some pre-deployment panocha. For real, girl, it don’t matter how dope you are. Homeboy’s got a code like no one else I know.”

“I know! I know he’s loyal. I’m just not meant to be anyone’s girlfriend. He knows that. It’s a ‘me’ problem.”

“That’s the stupidest shit I ever heard.” Jesus, Ortiz, tell me how you really feel. “And that don’t mean you need to be about my boy—that’s between the two of you—but for your sake? Figure your shit out.”

Announcer: “Good God Almighty! Can she even stand up?”

The call had been rough but honest. I hadn’t untangled anything, but Ortiz was a solid substitute for Hasan in terms of verbal gut checks, which I needed from time to time. It was clear I’d crossed a line. Will was honest when he said he was a boyfriend by nature; I didn’t have the right to treat him like the fuckboy I wanted him to be.

But I was surprised, and maybe a little hurt, that Ortiz hadn’t been aware of anything that happened between Will and me. Had Will really not said anything to him? The only reason I knew my anxiety was based in reality was that he was clearly avoiding the dorm. Midterms my ass.

I buckled my helmet and took off toward the studio on Scooter McGavin, and I decided to take the scenic route in the hopes of unwinding my dreadball. The wind cut cold against my cheeks, and my mind wandered like it always did when I wasn’t distracted enough.

Will’s playfulness made him approximately one thousand degrees hotter. In the hallway at Wilderness, I could physically feel everything he wanted to do to me radiating off him. Every cell in my body wanted it. If I hadn’t known how it would have ended—me, fucked and satisfied, and our budding triad feeling suddenly awkward—I would have unhinged my jaw and swallowed him whole.

At the time, it had felt inevitable, and I hadn’t been able to help myself, but I did regret kissing Will, and not only because Christian thought it was low. I didn’t anticipate the combination of electricity and melancholy being so potent. Like emotional vertigo. I’d never felt that before, and the weight had lingered.

I cared about Will’s friendship—it was physically painful to close that door even though I knew I was doing the right thing. I had a feeling that kiss was responsible for my dreadball, at least in part. Whatever else was involved, I didn’t have a name for it.

In the dream, the hallway kiss ended a little differently. I’d pulled away, and he’d responded by sliding his hands into my hair and pulling my face back to his and his mouth to mine. I whimpered, and he inhaled it. I opened my lips for his tongue, and he growled into my mouth like an animal.

He pressed me up against the wall, kissing me hungrily and forcing his thigh between my legs. And when he gave me the old hand necklace—I know, girl—he squeezed my throat just enough to make me feel feral while he kissed the fuck out of me. His big hands gripped my hips and rocked my clit against his muscular thigh while I hummed with pleasure, snaking my hands up his shirt to feel his skin.

That was when I’d woken up, tickling his nipple. It’d been a couple of weeks, and just thinking about it still had me deep cleaning my wheel.

My phone rang with a FaceTime call, and I answered without slowing. Has didn’t even greet me, just started bitching immediately, and I tucked my phone into the front pocket of my coat, camera facing out, so he could ride around the neighborhood with me.

“—and he’s been spending a lot of time with her—” Has was saying.

“Who with whom? Sorry, I missed a bit there.”

“I said Will was kind of a mess when we first got back from the city. I think he missed Nathalie, or maybe they had a come-to-Jesus. He hasn’t been here, so I assume he’s been sleeping over at her place almost every night. Maybe they’ll give it a shot. They look good together.”

I wobbled on my scooter. It felt like something was pressing on my chest, so I slowed down and stepped off to the side to catch my breath.

“What did he say when you asked him about it?”

“He claims he’s hung up on this chick he met a couple of years ago and just wants someone to have fun with until he deploys and doesn’t get any ass for seven months.”

“Uh—yeah, he’s mentioned that,” I said. Tears pricked my eyes from the cold.

“But he can’t help himself, our boy is the type. He’ll want to wife her up before Christmas. Nathalie is gorgeous.”

“What happened with the woman he’s hung up on? Did he say?”

“Just wanted different things from what it sounded like. He likes older women, so if I had to guess, I’d say he wanted to wait until he was out of the military to have kids and she was staring down her biological clock.” Oh.

“Do we like Nathalie?” I asked. I needed to make my way to the studio, but I felt exhausted all of a sudden.

“Yeah, she’s beautiful and boring, but they seem smitten with each other. Bread is as bread does.”

I chuckled half-heartedly. What’s wrong with bread?

“She’s a rich girl dating an enlisted Marine from Southie, she’s definitely dating down to piss her parents off.”

Anger heated my cheeks. “What the fuck, Has? Don’t talk about him like that!”