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I don’t recognize my life. I don’t recognize myself. I don’t know how I let loving someone take me this far away from who I was.

But I didn’t take Caleb back. He came back. He cried. He apologized. He told me losing everything made him realize I was the person who had always loved him. He said we could finally do everything he promised me. And I wanted to believe him.

My chest shook.

I wanted to believe him so fucking bad. But I didn’t. I told him no. I don’t feel strong for doing it. I don’t feel brave. I feel empty. I feel stupid. I feel lonely. I feel like I cut off my own arm and everyone keeps congratulating me because the arm was infected. But I know I needed to do it because loving him was killing everything I liked about myself. So even though I don’t love myself right now, maybe leaving him was the first thing I’ve done in a long time that proves I want to.

I don’t know who you are going to be after this, Blair. I hope she’s better than me. I hope she laughs again. I hope people call her name without whispering afterward. I hope she gets her business back. I hope she has friends one day. I hope she doesn’t flinch when married women walk into the room. I hope she stops checking Caleb’s page.

I laughed through my tears.

I hope she doesn’t miss him anymore. I hope someone loves her one day and she doesn’t spend the whole relationship punishing herself. I hope she knows she deserves to be loved without others having to be hurt for her to receive it.

I bent forward and my face fell into my hands.

And if you’re reading this because somehow we actually made it to that woman. Please don’t hate me. I was doing the best I could with a version of us I didn’t know how to live with yet.

I’m sorry. I hope you forgive me.

—Blair

I cried into my hands until my shoulders hurt. Until my nose ran. Until I was mad at myself for wearing mascara.

Eventually, I felt Sydnee place the tissue box beside me.

“You did that on purpose.”

“Yes.”

“I hate this place.”

“You keep making appointments.”

I laughed through a sob. “That was mean.”

Sydnee folded the letter carefully. “No. It was necessary.”

I wiped my face. “Why?”

“Because you came in here today afraid of what might happen if you fall in love with Nash.”

“And?”

“And I wanted you to remember the woman who was afraid she’d never be capable of loving herself or anyone else again.”

Sydnee held up the letter. “This woman thought her life was over. She thought everyone would hate her forever. She thought her business was gone. She questioned whether she deserved marriage, motherhood, and happiness.”

Sydnee leaned forward. “And yet here you are.”

My lips trembled.

“Your business survived. You survived losing friends.”

She smiled. “You survived Caleb. You survived people talking.”

She held up the letter. “You survived her.”

I looked at the paper. That version of me felt so far away.