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“You wrote it.” She continued.

You’re so fucking stupid.

“Okay, damn,” I muttered.

Sydnee fought a smile.

You let a man make you stupid. You let him tell you the sky was green and stood outside arguing with everyone who told you it was blue. You’re a homewrecker. That’s what everyone calls you, so maybe that’s what you are.

Everyone hates you. Your friends are gone. People talk about you. Women look at you like you’re going to steal their husbands just because you walked into the room. People who used to smile in your face whisper when you turn around. Clients don’t call anymore. Everyone knows. Everyone knows what you did.

I wiped underneath my eye.

And the fucked-up part is you can’t even defend yourself. Because you knew. You knew he was married. He may have lied to you, but you knew. He manipulated you, but you knew. He made promises, but you knew. And I don’t know how to forgive you for knowing.

My shoulders shook.

I hate you for embarrassing us. I hate you for losing yourself. I hate you for terminating our baby for a man who went running after his wife the second she told him she was done.

I broke and a sob escaped before I could stop it.

Sydnee looked up.

“Keep going.”

She hesitated, but I knew that I needed to hear all of it.

“Please.”

She continued.

That hurt the most. Not Ravenna finding out. Not her calling you a homewrecker. Not finding out they were still sleeping together. Not even realizing how much he lied. Watching him choose her hurt the most. Because some stupid part of you still thought that was it. She knew. She didn’t want him. There was nothing standing between you anymore. You thought maybe after all the hurt, all the waiting, all the lies, you would finally get the thing you destroyed so much of your life waiting for. And he ran after her.

My tears wouldn’t stop.

Then when she really didn’t want him, he came back. He came back to you because Ravenna wouldn’t take him. And I think that’s when you finally realized what you were.

Second.

You spent three years thinking you were first and circumstances were keeping you second. But you were second. You were always second. And when Caleb came back saying he loved you, you wanted him so bad.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

You hated admitting that. You missed him. God, you missed him. You missed his voice. You missed his hands. You missed him sleeping beside you. You missed laughing with him. You missed your lunches. You missed his stupid little apartment. You missed the version of your future that only existed when he was talking about it. You missed a liar. How pathetic is that?

I sobbed.

Sometimes you still want to call him. Sometimes you stare at the wall because if you move, you might pick up the phone. Sometimes you hope he calls even though you know you shouldn’t answer. Sometimes you hate Ravenna because she got the part of him you wanted, and then you hate yourself for hating a woman you helped hurt. Sometimes you don’t know who to be mad at first.

Him. Her. You.

The room had gone completely quiet outside of Sydnee’s voice and my crying.

I don’t know if we’re ever going to be happy again. I don’t know if anyone is ever going to love us without knowing what we did and deciding we’re disgusting. I don’t know if we’ll ever have friends again. I don’t know if our business will recover. I don’t know if we’ll ever get married. I don’t know if we’ll ever be someone’s wife. I don’t know if we’ll ever be a mother… Maybe we don’t deserve those things. Maybe this is our punishment. Maybe being alone is what we get.

I cried harder because I remembered believing it. I genuinely believed loneliness was the sentence I’d been handed.

I don’t know how long I’m supposed to feel like this. I wake up tired. I go to sleep tired. Sometimes I sit on the couch and stare at the wall for hours because I don’t have enough energy to care that I’m wasting the whole day. Klair comes over and makes me eat. Janelle handles things I should be handling. Mom calls and I lie and tell her I’m fine. I’m not fine. I don’t know when I’m going to be fine.