Page 125 of Homewrecker

“I’ll make the appointment.”

The clinic was so gloomy. We had gone the day before for something like a consultation. A nurse explained everything carefully.

I got an ultrasound, but I turned my head before the screen came on.

“I don’t want to see.”

The technician nodded. “Okay.”

I stared at the wall, but Caleb didn’t. I knew because when it was over, the technician asked if we wanted a copy.

“No,” I said immediately.

“Yes,” Caleb said at the same time.

The technician printed it, folded it, and handed it to him. Caleb tucked it into the inside pocket of his jacket.

“I’ll keep it.”

I said nothing.

“You’ll never have to see it.”

I didn’t understand why he wanted it. Maybe guilt. Maybe love. I couldn’t take on another maybe.

The procedure itself became a blur. I kept telling myself I had made the responsible choice. The smart choice and the choice that prevented a child from entering chaos. The choice both parents agreed on. The choice that protected me from being permanently tied to a relationship that was still legally attached somewhere else.

It was all true but none of it made me feel less empty.

Caleb drove me home, helped me inside, brought me water, pain medication, a heating pad, and food. He moved around my house without talking much.

When he finally helped me into bed, I pulled the comforter over myself. He sat beside me and that was when it hit. My face crumpled and the sound that came out of me didn’t even sound human.

Caleb immediately pulled me against him. “I’m sorry.”

I cried harder.

“I’m so fucking sorry.”