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“Well, right now, I’m going to get my tail into that building so I can earn some money. I guess I’ll have to look for another apartment for Sam and me. I don’t know.”

She rubs my back as we both turn and head to work. “If I had the room, I’d have you guys move into my house, but with my son and his family living with me, there isn’t any.”

I know she means those words.

“I know, Martha, and I’m grateful for your friendship.”

Tessa

I submerge the dirty glasses into the soapy water, making sure the brushes attached to the sink scrub them clean. This is something I do every night before we open. I’m not dumb. I know there are bugs all around. This is a bar, in Los Angeles, so I clean the glassware that was just cleaned the night before.

“You know, I can do that for you?” Croy says as I pull the glasses out and drop them into the next sink of running water.

“It’s not a problem,” I tell him, and I continue on with my task. “You can always head in the back and pull the bottles we’re low on here.”

“You’re getting out of breath, Tessa. You don’t need to be doing all the manual labor.”

“It’s fine, and it’s part of my job.”

He grabs my hand, stopping my movement. “Maybe you need to cut back on some hours. I think you’re burning the candle at both ends. You’ve lost weight, you’re pale. I mean, you’re flushed from washing glasses for crying out loud.”

He’s right. I haven’t been able to kick whatever I’ve caught. It’s not your typical cold or flu. I’m just fatigued, a constant dull headache, and sometimes even dizzy. I pull my arm from his grip and turn to face him. “Yeah, cut my hours? I have two weeks, Croy. Two weeks to come up with the money to put down as a deposit on the apartment I found.”

I’ve been looking for two weeks for a place for Sam and me. After seeing dump after dump, I finally found something. It’s three towns over, but it’s in my price range, and I don’t fear for my life in the neighborhood. I’ve taken on an extra shift at both of my jobs because the apartment complex that I’m vacating informed me when I called the next day that I had lived there too long, so I wasn’t able to get my full deposit back—money that I was counting on to help with the new place.

“I told you that I’d give you the money, woman. Christ, Tessa why do you have to be so thick-headed all the time? You don’t need all this.”

“I don’t want your charity, Croy. You’ve given me enough. I’d like to keep some of my dignity.”

“Then move in with me. Move back. I’ll charge you what you’re paying now.”

That’s another thing about this new apartment: when I said I could afford it, I meant barely. It’s one hundred dollars more a month. I’m losing a bedroom, so Sam and I will have to share for a while, and I’ll be spending more money in gas getting to and from my jobs and Sam’s school since I don’t want to move his district. Plus, Sarah is still okay to watch Sam, but only at her place.

“I can’t do that.”

“You can’t or won’t?”

The night Hawk left flashes in my mind as soon as those words spill from his mouth. “Croy, I wouldn’t want to do that to you. Do you know how guilty I feel for everything you’ve done for me since before Sam was born? I can’t keep leaning on you.”

He takes a step towards me and lowers his voice. “What if I want you to, Tessa?”

“Croy.” I take a step back. I don’t feel right. He looks so far away even though I can tell he’s standing right next to me. Cold sweat rolls through my body. My mouth waters like I’m going to be sick.

“Tessa?” He takes another step towards me, lifting his arm towards me.

Before he reaches me, spots cloud my vision, and everything goes black.

Hawk

Things are changing back home. It seems like everyone is getting the life they want, but me. I’m living life at a fucking standstill because of one woman.

Every time I make the trip back to Los Angeles I feel like I’m on high alert. It’s highly unlikely that I’ll run into Tessa in the city, especially since my mom’s place is nowhere near where Tessa lives or works. But that fear is still there. I have no idea what I would say to her if I saw her again. Tell her I’m sorry? That I wish I could be the man she and Sam needs? That it wasn’t about putting the club before her. That I fucking miss her. Do I confess to her my guilt of how I’ve been living my life since she told me no, she wouldn’t move back to New Mexico? Do I tell her I see her face every time I fuck a woman? That’s she’s under my fucking skin and embedded in my soul.

Kicking down the stand of my bike with my boot, I lean the weight of it on the hard iron. The trip from home to here on my bike is torturous on my body, but sometimes I just need to get on it and feel the open road beneath my wheels. I lock my helmet to the bike and make my way towards my mom’s. I usually let Rhea know when I’ll be in town, but not this time. When my mom called me, she asked that it just be her and me.

I tap my knuckles on the wood of her door. She shares a room with another lady. Both are recovering alcoholics. I was worried when I met her shortly after she had moved in with my mom because I didn’t want anyone there to enable her to go back to the way she was, but this lady is on the right track and a positive influence on my mother.

Four rooms share one common area and a kitchen. It’s set up similar to a college dorm, at least that’s how my mom described it. She’s able to stay here for one year and one year only. In that time, she needs to find a job, therapy, group sessions and a place where she can transition to the next phase of her life. Rhea has mentioned that she’d like to get an apartment with her but putting those two together doesn’t sit right with me.