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I don’t fully trust Helen, either, but she makes the process a little less scary. Not completely, but enough that I can get through a meeting with music executives where we talk about who to hire as my backing band. It helps that Quinn is by my side most of the time.

Though lately, he has been skipping out to hang out with his new girlfriend. She’s nice, pretty even, and makes him happy, so I try not to be jealous. It’s just Quinn is like my brother and all I have right now. So when he isn’t by my side during these meetings, I feel uneasy.

I know I just need to get past this part. Once I have a full band to back me, I can get back in the studio where I can sing and write music. That will be the only high for me now. One I can chase, one that I can increase with touring and being on stage. One that is far healthier than what I used to do.

Sex is another high I could have, but I’m choosing to be pickier about that. For so long my pussy held all my worth. I kept the fame with it, destroyed others’ fame with it, and let it pay my way out of trouble. It’s time I gave myself more value, and sex less.

So I haven’t had sex since that day. Choosing to take care of my own needs, and not entertain men for a bit. I need to get to know the new me before even thinking about letting someone else in my bed.

It doesn’t help that I can’t stop thinking about Wyatt, either. I need to get over him before I can consider being with anyone else. It’s kind of silly that I have to get over a guy who I was never in a relationship with to begin with. So he made me come a few times and slept with me while the man who was abusing me watched. He wasn’t my boyfriend. We weren’t in love.

But I know deep down, I did love him. I do love him. I may always love him in some way. He did something for me I never thought anyone would do. He set me free and made me want to be better.

As I sit outside the label’s office building, I try not to think about what it will be like inside there today. Helen and the rest of them have spent two meetings hearing what I wanted to sound like, what type of people I wanted to play with. Amongst themselves, they put together packages on people they thought would fit what I wanted.

From there, I assume Helen trimmed out the people she didn’t approve, and now today I get to go over them and veto people I don’t like.

It’s a big day. A huge step towards the goal.

I really wish Quinn was here, and I didn’t need to go in there alone.

I’m sitting on a bench, debating if I should call my sponsor or my therapist for support, or force myself to do it myself, when I see his dark hair and sharp cheekbones crossing the street.

I knew Helen was able to get him out of trouble, but I don’t know what that cost him. Haven’t seen him since that day. I wasn’t allowed to go to any of his court dates, and when he was released, I was in rehab. After, he never took any of my calls.

He looks different, or maybe I’m just different, so I’m seeing him different. Hard to say.

His black hair is shorter. He is still dressed in layers but his hoodie is unzipped and the hood down, giving a great view of the face that has lingered in my memories every night I touch myself.

I don’t move though. I stay sitting, silent, as he strolls right by me. He never even glances my way. I wonder if he even noticed me.

It hurts, but I shouldn’t expect more. We went through something horrible together, I’m sure all I am to him is another tragic memory.

I heard through gossip he’s been around the label. I assume he owes Veritas a mountain of money, or music, or both for his freedom. That can’t be easy for him. I know how much he values his music.

I glance at the ground, feeling the weight of all the things I said to him. The harsh comments about his dead family, taunting him with drugs, the long list of names I called him, the fact I sold the story of his drug use, and tried to destroy him. In some ways, I kind of succeeded in that part, and it doesn’t feel good.

I’m never going to be able to make it up to him. I can’t repay him. He may never know how he succeeded, either. He helped me get better, and I just have to learn to live with that fact. Learn to live with the guilt and hope one day, I can forgive myself.

“Hey.” His voice startles me.

Glancing up, I see two brown eyes looking down at me.

“Hello,” I say softly. I’m not prepared for the onslaught of emotions that’s hitting me right now. Wyatt is always good at stirring things inside me.

“You look good,” he says after a moment.

“Do I look beautiful?” I raise an eyebrow. I’m surprised by my own question, but it’s like second nature to me to try to get under his skin. I’m not sure I could fix that part of me if I tried.

He chuckles, his eyes lighting up a little. “So the attitude wasn’t all drugs.”

“No.” I smile. “The attitude wasn’t all drugs. Part of it came from hating you.”

“Fair enough.” He nods. “Do you still hate me?”

“No. In fact, I think I never hated you at all. I just wanted to.”

“And you don’t want to now?”