Page 8 of These Wicked Hearts

I have a lot to do before Saturday, but I can’t bring myself to give one solid fuck about any of it.

Which is really fucking sad.

This isn’t what things were supposed to be like, but I guess I traded happiness and artistic expression for money and fame.

Fame. I nearly snort with the thought. I’m not even famous. I’m a shell. An object for fans to project their feelings onto. No one knows me. No one knows what I’ve done to get here. Least of all my friends. None of them know I’m a fraud.

My phone lights up again, but I grab it when I see Chen’s name instead. “Hey.”

“Don’t you sound absolutely tickled.”

“What the fuck do you want?” I lean back against the couch. My spacious apartment feels more like a looming giant than my safe space right now.

“You okay?”

“Perfect.” Because what else am I going to say?

“Hey, one more, alright. Then we get a break. I know you’re tired.”

More than my best friend will ever understand. And I’ll keep it that way. No one needs to know what a fraud I am, especially my friends. It’ll break them. I don’t mind being broken for them.

“I know.”

“You want some company? I’m out right now but I can swing over.”

“No, that’s okay.”

Chen groans. “Come on, man. The whole point of this is that we still get to live our lives.” I kick my black boots up on my coffee table. “You never leave your apartment.”

“I go to Ruby’s,” I counter.

“Yeah, well, that’s it. You need to get out more.”

“I’m just not in the mood right now.” Tomorrow is so close, and I’m already envisioning Jim walking up here to see me. Sooner or later, he will.

“Fine. Oh, Jim’s been calling me. He’s looking for you.” Oh, I know it.

“I’ll call him back in the morning.”

It’s wonderfully quiet for a few moments. “Gage, talk to me. What’s going on with you lately?”

I tip my head back against the couch and stare up at the ceiling. Oh, nothing, Chen. I just sold my fucking soul to give us all the life we wanted, and the thing about selling your soul to the devil is he’s never satisfied. He always wants more. Until you’re broken down to nothing and then he’ll still want the scraps like a scavenger scrounging around a carcass.

I’m so tired.

“I just hate traveling. You know that,” I lie. It’s not that I mind traveling, it’s more that Jim gets bolder when we’re on the road without the buffer of other staff around. I do love traveling with my friends, though. Declan, Jesper, and Chen have been my family since we were kids, and I will never let them down. We came from nothing, had nothing, and worked so hard to have something.

We dreamed big, but dreams cost money.

And then we met Jim and I took a short cut.

I thought it was our break. Instead, it was the start of my nightmare. “Gage?”

“Huh, sorry. I’m fine, okay. Don’t worry. I’m just happy we’re going to have a break.”

He’s quiet for a moment, and I know I can’t get away with acting like this for long. I love all my friends, but Chen is the closest to me, and I know he won’t be satisfied much longer with my short replies. I know he thinks something’s going on, and he’s not wrong. I’ve done a shitty job lately of hiding how I’m feeling. The mask I wear is starting to slip.

Oh, the fucking irony of that.