Page 141 of These Wicked Hearts

“I um, I need to tell you all something.”

All their eyes snap to mine.

“Oh, that doesn’t sound good.” Chen elbows Declan then turns his attention to me.

“You know, all our lives, all we wanted to do was be musicians. We had this romanticized vision of what that would look like. It’s all we wanted. Making music with you guys has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t even begin to tell you what you’ve meant to me.”

Chen watches me sharply, sliding forward and bracing his hands on his knees. I can’t stop now. I need to just say it.

“I lied to you all.” I take a breath. The truth. It’s what I need. I need to tell them all everything. “I’ve been very depressed for a while now, and a couple of months ago, I nearly killed myself.”

“What?!” Chen stands. “Gage⁠—”

“Wait, I know. Wait, please.” I swallow hard, blinking rapidly. “Just listen to me, and then I’ll answer any questions.” Come on, don’t stop now. “I almost did. Not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted this to stop. I fucked up. I fucked up really bad, and I can’t get out of it, and I don’t know what to do.” I feel an arm and realize Jesper is standing on my right with his arm across my shoulders, hugging me close as I tremble.

“Tell us, Gage. Holy shit. Just talk to us.” I feel his lips press hard into my temple. I take a watery breath and nod.

“I need to sit.” I turn and sit on the end of the coffee table, raking firm hands through my hair and tugging a little. “When we first met Jim, we thought ‘this is it.’ He pushed us into stardom, but it came with a price.”

“Gage—” Chen grits his teeth, his nostrils flaring.

Declan sits forward, his jaw clenched. “What about Jim?” I look at my friends and my eyes land on Chen. His eyes are hard, his jaw tight, as if he already knows what I’m about to say, but he’s praying he’s wrong.

I swallow hard. “When we first met him, he made me touch him. I mean he um, he told me in order to get signed I’d need to sleep with him. That’s all. He said I’d sleep with him, and that’s it. We’d get signed. We’d have our dream.” I stare at the floor. “At the time I thought, just once. It’s fine. Just once and all our dreams will come true. It was my choice. Or so I thought at the time⁠—”

“You were fucking twenty-one when we met him! He’s fucking fifty-three!” I look up and see Jesper squeeze Declan’s hand tight in his. “Sorry, continue.”

“He’s been assaulting me ever since, or at least I know now that’s what he’s been doing. Or sexual extortion. Whatever. For a long time, I thought because I willingly did it, that’s not what it was. I thought it would only be once, and that would be it, and then once turned into twice, and then he was threatening me. Threatening you guys. Every time, I’d say no. Then before I knew it, I was trapped. I didn’t know how to stop without destroying your lives and everything we worked so hard to build.”

I look up and meet their faces. Jesper looks like he’s going to murder someone, Declan’s head is in his hands, and Chen . . . Chen looks confused, like his brain is trying to reject the truth outright.

“Gage—” Declan begins peeling his hands away from his face.

“He’d get me alone after shows and when we traveled. He’d rarely come here, but lately he’s been getting bold. It’s why he always wanted me to have my own hotel room when we toured.” I ignore the hurt on Chen’s face. I’m already barely holding it together. “For a while I stopped fighting him. I just let him have his way because our careers were on the line. I’m the one who started this whole thing anyway⁠—”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Jesper’s jaw clenches.

“It’s true! I slept with him. I didn’t have to, but I did it to further our⁠—”

“Bullshit!” Chen stands. “None of this is your fault.” He looks away, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Gage, holy shit.” He chokes back a sob. “I knew something was going on, but this—” He clasps a hand over his face, shaking his head. He takes a moment then looks at me before opening his mouth to speak.

“That’s why you’ve been disappearing in front of us,” Declan says quietly. We all turn our attention to him. Jesper’s face has gone ashen. His knee bounces as if he can barely contain his rage. “I thought maybe he was threatening you or being a dick, but god, Gage. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because I was scared,” I admit, hugging myself tight. “I was ashamed. I didn’t want you all to go down with me.”

Chen closes his eyes, taking a minute. “I’m going to kill him.”

“No,” I say instantly.

“No, I mean it, Gage. I’m killing that fucking prick.”

“No.” I stand in front of Chen. “No you’re not. That’s not what I want.”

“Yeah, and I want that fucker six feet under for hurting you. You almost—” He drags in a breath. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he says softly, covering his mouth, his dark eyes shining. I grab him to me, holding him tight. His arms wrap around me, hugging me harder. “I knew something was wrong,” he whispers. “I should have asked more questions. Demanded more.”

“I wouldn’t have said anything.” I cup the back of his head. “I wasn’t ready. There’s nothing you could have done. I promise I don’t have those thoughts anymore. I don’t want to end my life. I don’t want that anymore.”

Chen pulls back, sniffing. “So, what do you want?”