Page 102 of Somewhere Only We Know

He had his hand on my shoulder and gently led me towards the exit. ‘I am glad. How long are you in Bali?’

‘I’m not sure. But I’m not ready to leave yet.’

‘Then come back again, Magnolia.’ He gave a bow to say goodbye.

I hesitated, wanting to press him for more information about Jackson, but Utt seemed keen for me to leave.

‘I will,’ I said, touching his arm gently. ‘Goodbye.’

There was a taxi parked outside. Ayu was leaning up against it and we waved at each other. I didn’t know how he’d found me but my legs were shaky and I was glad he had.

‘What’s up, Utt!’ Ayu shouted.

The two men exchanged greetings in Indonesian while I got into the car.

‘Don’t tell me,’ I laughed, doing up my seat belt. ‘Utt is your cousin, right?’

‘No, no, no,’ Ayu cried. ‘Utt is too old. He is my mother’s cousin.’

Silly me, I thought, hiding my smile.

‘But I have good news, about my cousin, Miss Maggie. The one with the phone shop. He has a beautiful phone for you, and he will be waiting for you at your hotel.’

‘That is good news, Ayu. Thank you. Can you drive me back there now, please?’

I leaned my head back against the head rest and closed my eyes. I was exhausted. My past and my present had collided in the most extraordinary way today. I mulled over what Utt had said about the universe only showing you the right path when you were ready to follow it. I’d waited a long time to revisit this beautiful country and I had a feeling that I was ready for the universe to show me what it had in store for me next.

Chapter 36

Bali

I ran my fingers through my hair, still damp from my shower. As promised, Ayu’s cousin had been here when we arrived. I was now in possession of a second-hand iPhone and Ayu had left with a hefty tip for being such a wonderful driver. As soon as both men had gone, I’d headed to my room.

Today had been a lot to deal with. It felt as if a cyclone had whirled through my life and turned everything upside down. The conversation with my boss about the ‘restructuring’ would have been enough on its own to unsettle me, but the trip down memory lane and meeting Utt had ignited a restlessness in me that I didn’t know what to do with.

Being on our beach, swimming in the ocean where I’d first met Jackson and then learning from Utt that he’d been back to Bali not once, but multiple times – all this had propelled Jackson from being buried deep in my past to here in the present. My head was full of if-onlys and what-nexts.

Could Utt contact Jackson for me, and if so, did I want him to? I needed to organise my thoughts properly. If only I hadn’t lost Brontë’s book, I’d probably be journaling in it now. So my next job was to go into town and buy a new notebook. Ten minutes later, I left my room and headed out.

My new phone was in my bag, but I hadn’t yet set it up properly. I could make calls, I could surf the internet, but after logging into Facebook I’d stopped.

There was something liberating about being disconnected for a while. I needed to stop scrolling and checking emails; and I did not want to be available should Anna decide to call me again. I wanted to find some stillness, look inwards, and figure out what the hell I was going to do with the next year or two of my life.

The street my hotel was on was crammed with interesting places, from crystal and reiki healing to massage parlours and sound bath classes. Any of these would give me respite from my inner turmoil, but the time had come to face up to some things and stop escaping from them.

Because that was what I’d been doing ever since Brontë died. I’d thought that I was protecting myself by carrying on as if my world hadn’t shattered. In fact, I had done the opposite. I’d put myself, my heart, my life on ice, refusing to acknowledge that I faced a future without her in it.

I picked up a little notebook from a gift shop, found a table inside a highly Instagrammable café and ordered a fruit smoothie. The café was full of lush greenery and had a spiral wooden staircase suspended by what looked like jungle vines. The words Open up to the magic of life were written on the floor in marigold flowers. The vibe was relaxed and peaceful and I couldn’t have picked a more zen location to pin down my whirling thoughts.

‘Terima kasih,’ I said to the waitress delivering my drink, hoping I’d got the translation for thank you right.

‘You’re welcome.’

As she walked away, I picked up my pen and turned to the first page in my new notebook.

I put the date in the right-hand margin, as I had at school, and after a hesitation wrote a heading: What do I want?

Where to start? I sipped my smoothie.