Page 16 of A Merry Little Christmas

‘Nell? Are you asleep?’

It was ten o’clock and she was in bed with the lights off, feeling buzzy from the wine and almost asleep. Almost.

After a long candlelit bath, and as soon as she’d eaten her pierogi, she’d left the boys in the kitchen, still talking football, and watched an episode of Married At First Sight, knowing that neither of them would come within twenty paces of the living room while that was on television. Then, while Olek had driven Max home, she’d gone up to bed, intending to be asleep before he returned.

But she hadn’t been able to sleep, and now he was back. He’d tiptoed around, using the bathroom and getting undressed, taking care not to disturb her.

It would be so easy for her to fake deep breathing; to put off the difficult conversation she knew was coming until tomorrow. But that would only mean that she’d wake up with a feeling of dread, and besides, it wasn’t fair to keep Olek in the dark any longer.

‘I’m awake,’ she whispered.

He climbed into bed beside her, lying on his back and reaching for her so that he could scoop her into his side. ‘Come here, darling.’

She shuffled nearer, wrapping one leg over his until they were as close as possible. At once, she felt the press of tears at her eyes, the constriction in her throat. She loved this man so much, why could it not have worked out for them? Why was life not treating them fairly?

‘I’m so pleased for Max,’ she whispered, avoiding the subject for as long as possible.

‘Mmm.’ Even in that one word, Nell could sense Olek’s joy. ‘Me too. Your child’s success is even sweeter than your own.’

‘It must be.’ Nell let out a breath; this was so hard. So incredibly hard.

‘Sometimes it’s easy to take for granted the effect that the next generation has on our lives and then something like this happens and you realise that whatever we have to go through for them is worth it.’

‘Like when you and Yvonna divorced, you mean?’

‘Yeah. She didn’t always make it easy for me to see Max, not at the beginning.’

‘I know, darling.’ Nell tightened her arms around him. It didn’t matter how many times she heard this story, it always made her love Olek more. He was such a wonderful father to Max, which was why today’s results were all the more difficult to process.

‘Then, of course, Viktor quickly became the man Max had the most contact with. I had to work hard to keep a father-son bond, when sometimes it felt like the easiest thing to do would be to let it go, start again.’

‘And now you have an …’ Her voice stuttered, and she blinked back tears. ‘An unbreakable bond with him. I’m so proud of you for that.’

‘Thank you, that means a lot, and, darling, it’s partly down to you that I’ve been able to keep playing an active role in his life, you always include Max in everything we do. I love you for that.’ He paused for a moment. ‘I don’t want you to think that Max would always be my favourite child. I’ve got plenty of love to go round. You and I could have any number of kids and I’d love them all the same.’

Nell felt a sob form in her throat. ‘I know you would.’

‘Do you want to talk about today?’ he murmured. ‘You don’t have to, if you don’t want.’

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut. This was it. Whatever she said now, she’d have to stick with. There’d be no going back.

If Olek found out that he was infertile, he’d want more details from Dr Bajek. And more details would inevitably include the fact that he might never have been able to father a child. Could it really be true, might Olek not be Max’s father? She remembered Olek and Max dancing in the kitchen earlier, Olek’s love for his son on display. She hated the thought of lying to him. But she hated the thought of doing anything to damage the father-son bond even more. Surely it would be better to lie to him than break his heart? She had never felt so conflicted in her life. It was an impossible situation, she concluded, but this time, the truth wouldn’t work. It just wouldn’t. She was going to have to lie to her husband.

‘I can’t have our baby, Olek,’ she blurted out. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘So the test results—’

‘Proved that I’m a faulty model,’ she butted in.

‘Oh, darling.’ His eyes found hers in the darkness and the pain in them almost undid her. ‘Don’t apologise, please, there’s no need.’

‘So if you want more children, you’re going to have to swap me for one with fully working parts.’

‘Nell!’ He pulled away from her, a look of disbelief in his face. ‘We’ve always been in this together, no fault, no blame. And no more talk of swapping you for another model. I can’t think of anything worse.’

‘Well, that’s a relief.’ She made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

‘Did the doctor give you any more details; was she able to pinpoint any particular issue?’